Wildest Dreams
by WitchyVampireGirl
Summary: Heaven can't help me now and I know nothing lasts forever. He was wild and free, and I was going to hold on for as long as I could. A/H Mature situations Drabble-like story
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: No.. you're eyes are not deceiving you... it's me with a new story!**

 **Much love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and encouraged me to keep going and to Sally for waving her red pen to make it pretty. I always tinker after- any mistakes are mine.**

 **I'll see ya at the end... ENJOY!**

BPOV

The sun was shining down on us as we stole a few moments of peace. Smoke curled around us as we puffed on cigarettes. I was barely listening to the other girls near me as they made plans for the weekend. Instead of focusing on their inane chatter, my eyes were drawn to the loud yet sleek motorcycle that pulled into the auto shop a few stores down from where I worked. At first, all I noticed was the chrome, blinding in the summer sun. It sparked images of coasting down the highway, hair blowing, and holding on tight. Then I saw him. He was casual and wild at the time. The ease with he handled the bike spoke volumes and had me wanting more.

 **A/N: Yeah... I know... this will be a drabble-like story.. not all chapters will be this short, they will vary a lot. It's mostly pre-written, so please don't ask for them to be longer- I have it all formatted out. For the next week I'll post daily, then move to every other day.**

 **We will be in BPOV for a while.. later there may be a POV switch. *winks***

 **There will be some triggering situations much later- please PM if there are certain situations you want to avoid- I'll let you know.**

 **Show me some love and I may be nice and post another chapter later today. I want to hear your thought! I've missed you and them!**

 **WVG**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: A few of you asked nicely for a 2nd chappie... how could I say no?**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen magic. I love to tinker, any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

His back was to me, covered in a leather jacket, and wearing jeans that hugged all the right places. I was a sucker for a man in well-worn jeans, and he was my dream come true. Frayed bottoms skimmed black boots that had a fucking-for-real steel toe. It gleamed in the sun. Moving up, I saw sculpted calves, thick thighs, and an ass I wanted to bite and squeeze. I clenched my own legs together and sucked deep on my smoke, hoping for a bit of calm. Then he turned around, and I was a goner.

 **A/N: I swear that not all the chappies will be this short! See ya tomorrow.. but until then.. please leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Ohh goodness... you guys make me smile with your reviews! I LOVE THEM!**

 **A huge thanks for Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and to Sally for adding all the commas I forget! I tinker after, so any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

He was too perfect, a man among men, and he was trouble. I could see it in the cocky smirk he wore as he talked to the guys near him. It was there in the way he never stood still. His confidence oozed from him, and it smothered me. I wanted to drown in it and run away in the same breath. Yeah, he was trouble, and as much as I wanted to run screaming, I stayed rooted to the spot of asphalt where I stood. Don't know if he sensed he was being watched, but when he looked my way, our eyes locked. Minutes, hours, years passed; I don't know which. What I did know was how my heart raced, and I forgot how to breathe. Fuck if he wasn't smiling at me.

 **A/N: And he has a killer smile... so many of you love a guy in good fitting jeans.. how do you feel about a dazzling smile?**

 **Happy Mother's Day! If you ask nicely.. I may post another later!**

 **Let me know what you think!**

 **WVG**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Shall we see how Bella responded to his smile?**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. All mistakes are mine as I tinker!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

How I broke his gaze, I couldn't tell you. Just one moment I was feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin and the next I was in the air-conditioned coolness of the store. The jolt of awareness to my surroundings was disconcerting. It was as if my brain was on fast-forward and someone switched on the slow-mo; I needed time to adjust. Unfortunately, a customer invaded my personal space bubble with a request for me to look something up.

"Um, sure, let's go over here." With practiced ease I led her the nearest kiosk and immersed myself back in work. I didn't need to spend any more time on the guy who would be bad for me. Even if my heart raced at the thought of him.

 **A/N: Ohhh Bella... she is flummoxed! Some of you are as well! This is the last one till tomorrow...**

 **Until them.. leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Your reviews make me smile! Sorry for the late update- work was nutso!**

 **Love like always to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and to Sally for beta duties! All mistakes are mine due to tinkering!**

 **I think you'll like this one... ENJOY!**

BPOV

Time inside a retail store can pass by in strange lurches and lulls. By the time I punched out a few hours later, all that was on my mind was comfy jammies and a beer or two. My head hurt from a little kid who screamed the entire time his mom tried on clothes. Days like that made me hate my job. Needing a little treat for not punching anyone, I walked over to the Caribou Coffee that was next to where I worked. My mind was filled with a delightful iced chai. I could almost feel the chilly sweetness on my tongue. That was how I failed to notice that he was there, leaning against the brick on the building, watching me. I didn't, not until he spoke as I walked out the door five minutes later sucking on the straw, eyes closed in bliss.

"Man, I wish I was that straw."

 **A/N: So... they kinda met.. hehe**

 **Until tomorrow... leave me some love! xoxo**

 **WVG**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: You peeps crack me up! Loved all the reviews!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and falling in love with this story and Sally who did beta magic. All mistakes are mine.. I love to tinker.**

 **Shall we see what Bella does? ENJOY!**

BPOV

I hate when romance novels describe men's voices as silk or honey. It's all too sweet, too fake sounding to me. But his voice? It was like a kitten's tongue- rough but still gave you goosebumps. It washed over me, shivers raced down my back. When his words registered in my flustered brain, my eyes opened and flashed over to where he stood. I couldn't help but gasp. Green eyes like new spring grass greeted me. They looked too perfect, and a fleeting thought that they had to be contacts befuddled my thoughts.

"What?" It was the only word I could say. My tongue, which was enjoying a sweet treat seconds ago, felt thick and heavy.

His response was to smirk at me, and I wanted to kiss it off. Or maybe smack it away. Either way would bring me too close to him. So I slid a half step back. It didn't help, but I kidded myself into thinking I had space.

"You seemed to enjoy the straw." He paused and watched me. "Lucky straw."

My mouth fell open.

 **A/N: Ohh Bella... she's gobsmacked! *giggles***

 **Ok.. let hear what you got to say! I can't wait!**

 **WVG**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: You all crack me up! Seriously! Don't stop.. I love it!**

 **Love to my gals: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for making it pretty. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering!**

 **Shall we see if Bella can string together more than one word?**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

There were no words, just an answering blush that I felt from my toes to my hair. I hated it. It meant he got to me. His laughter only confirmed my thoughts. With an undignified huff, I whirled away from him, walking blindly away. Heavy footsteps chased me down. I wanted to run, but it would look stupid. I'm not afraid of him. Heavens no. I wanted to mount him like a fucking pony and ride him until he cried uncle. He made my body come alive, and I haven't felt that way in so long. But my instincts screamed danger, and I always listened to them, much to my lady bits' dismay.

"Hey! I'm sorry. It was a bad line." I felt his warm hand on my arm, and I froze. My brain became overloaded with sensations- the tingles that raced from where he touched my arm straight to my core, the insane urge to fall to my knees and worship his cock, or how his voice seemed to find each nerve ending and stroke them into a frenzy. Never had one person overwhelmed me so completely.

I didn't turn around, so he moved so we were face to face. Gone was the smirk, and in its place was a smile so damned adorable, I couldn't help but smile.

My instincts waved the white flag. I was doomed.

 **A/N: Ohh Bella.. me thinks you're over your head! *giggles***

 **OK.. give it to me... what do you think? Do you want to mount him like a pony!?**

 **See ya tomorrow!**

 **WVG**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: There are no words for you all... I love all the comments and reviews! Also, the line for... umm pony rides is over to the left. No saves!**

 **To my ladies Dawn and Carmen- thanks for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **See ya at the bottom! ENJOY!**

BPOV

"I'm Edward." He stuck out his hand; I placed my hand in his without thinking. Once again, warmth infused into my bones. I wanted to wrap myself around him; he was so much like the sun.

"Bella," I replied.

"Ahh, beautiful. Suits you."

Damned blush got deeper. His dimpled smile turned into a smirk as he noticed my blush. "Such an innocent response." There was an edge, a playful challenge, to his words.

"I'm not innocent," I retorted and too late realized I played right into his hands.

"Good, cuz I like girls who have a little bad in them. Tell me, Bella, do you have a little bad in you?"

The sound of my name from his lips broke whatever last remnant of control I thought I possessed. I gave him a casual shrug and prayed it didn't come off as if I was having a seizure.

He laughed and I smiled. "You got spunk, Bella. I like that." Grabbing my hand, he pulled me toward the sidewalk that led to the auto shop.

"Umm, where we going?"

"I'm gonna see how bad you really are."

 **A/N: We have names people! YES! Before we move on, just want to say that daily posts will go through this Saturday and then go to M,W,F. I may drop extra chappies, but, I need a little leeway to finish the last third of this story!**

 **So now that business is out of the way... I want to know- Where do you think Edward is taking her?**

 **Leave me your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: You're all pretty darn smart... *giggles***

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving the red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Less than ten minutes later, a helmet was strapped to my head and my arms were wrapped around his torso. I wanted to run my hands all over his chest and abs, but I also wanted to live. So I settled for lacing my fingers across his stomach.

If you asked me what he said to convince me to get on the back of a stranger's bike, I would've made up some bullshit. If only to ease any judgey comments. Truth be told, he just asked, and I agreed. It was crazy, it was stupid, but the bad girl in me wanted a little fun. I was under no delusion that this meant anything. He was still an unknown mystery, one that would only lead to heartbreak and a spectacular flame out. That I knew without a doubt.

But as we flew down the road, all that was forgotten. In that moment, we were recklessness, we were spontaneity, and we were living. I forgot how life could be exhilarating, that it should be filled with careless moments and memories never forgotten. I'd been too wrapped up in trying to be normal and stable that I forgot how to just … be.

That night, Edward reminded me of all I'd missed and all I'd tried to forget.

 **A/N: So you were right... he took her for a ride! So.. I'm feeling a bit generous... the next chapter is kinda cute... so...lets see how many of you want another one tonight.. or instead I post two tomorrow. Most votes win!**

 **Tell me what ya think. Would you all go riding with Edward?**

 **WVG**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Cuz I love to spoil the shit out of you...**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for all her red pen polish. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

A few hours later we were back in the parking lot of the strip mall we'd left from. It was a harsh reminder of the reality we left behind. I watched as he packed away the helmet he'd loaned me. The ease at which he handled the bike and now this simple task mesmerized me. He was an enigma and sex rolled into a neat package.

When he turned to face me, we were suspended in silence. I had no words to say, and even if I did, what would they be? Thanks? See ya later? I knew nothing but how his body felt as we hugged a curve. Or the smell of his neck as I hid in the crook of it. But I knew that knowing stuff about him would be dangerous. He would give me pieces and bits, and the curious girl in me would want to solve him. Trouble was, once he was solved, he would be gone. I wasn't ready for him to be gone. So I stayed with the silence.

Unfortunately, or maybe not, he was much more courageous than me.

"Give me your phone." It was a command, not a request, and the hand he held out wiggled impatiently.

Against my better judgement, I held it out. His face scrunched as he did whatever he wanted. A faint ping had me guessing he had texted himself.

"See you around, Bella?" His hand held out my phone.

He looked at me expectantly. Now it was my turn to scrunch my face as I reached for the phone, still mute.

"You work at Kohl's, right?" I could only nod. How did he know?

He smiled. "I was watching you." He said it so matter of factly there was no apology whatsoever. "I work at the auto shop, Jasper's, a few stores down."

"Oh." I mentally slapped my forehead. Could I have been less lame?

"Love leaving a girl speechless. I'll call you, beautiful."

With a wink and a smirk, he was back on his bike. A few minutes more, he was swallowed up by the inky blackness of night.

 **A/N: I love this chapter... So here's a challenge... start from the beginning and play T-Swift's Wildest Dreams... it was the song that inspired this whole story. I listened to it on repeat as I banged out a shit ton of chapters... But this chapter... it was my first image... GAH.. I love it!**

 **So as I go to bed.. I want to wake to lots of love... Sweet dreams...**

 **WVG**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thanks for all the love I woke up to, it made me smile. Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Back home, I sunk into my squishy couch. My eyes scanned the ceiling as if it held the answer to what in the hell did I do now. I had no clue. Edward was … he was … gah! I had no idea what he was. He was sex, life, sun, moon, light, and dark. He was a red flag, and every cell in my body wanted to surrender to him. But I knew his type. I've seen the destruction guys like him caused.

After my dad died in a car accident, my mom went a bit crazy in her grief. She started in such a depression that I worried I would find her dead in the morning. Each sunrise brought a feeling of dread as I tiptoed to peek into her room. Breathing only started once I saw she still was.

Then one day, she was a different person. She changed her hair, her clothes, and got us the hell out of Forks. We bounced from place to place up and down the California coast. Along the way, Renee lived her life. It was filled with flights of fancy, booze, and men. Men just like Edward. Quick with a wink and flirty smile. They could make your body tingle with just a look. But they were never in it for the long haul. Each guy left my mom heartbroken, and weeks later we were gone.

College was my first taste of stability. Too bad I had no clue what the fuck I was going to do with my life. So I quit halfway through sophomore year. I stayed in this crazy place of freezing winters and warm, humid summers. My life was predictable: work, out with friends, sleep, rinse, and repeat. Edward threatened to obliterate that safety. Problem was I didn't know if I could stay away. He sparked me to life. Seemed like the only thing left to do was to hold on tight until I burned out.

 **A/N: So we have a little bit of Bella's back story and can see why she is a bit hesitant with Edward! This is the last of the daily chapters... for now. There will most likely come a time when I go back to daily, but I want to give myself time to finish the last little bit of the story. So now we will go to M, W, F postings and I may throw a weekend one in.**

 **So, what do you think of Bella's story?**

 **WVG**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: WOW! You guys are all wanting Bella to not pre-judge Edward! She's not judging... she's cautious! Sorry for late in the day posting, I forgot my flash drive with the story at home.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for red pen awesomeness. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

A few days later, I was headed back to work with a game plan in mind. I wasn't going to throw myself at Edward. Realistically I was getting all worked up for nothing. It was one ride and a little flirting. So what if my lady bits drooled at the memories of him. I was made of sterner stuff. We could talk, hang out, hell, we could even be friends. Didn't have to be nothing more or less than that.

Parking my car in the back of the strip mall, I glanced over to see Edward's bike shining like a beacon. I swallowed and then gathered my convictions. I could do this.

Too bad the universe wasn't on the same page as me. I ran into Edward during my first break as I ducked into Caribou for an iced chai. His wink had me giggling, and when he asked to join him for lunch later, I nodded and acquiesced like a leaf in a hurricane.

At lunch, he had me laughing so hard I worried I would pee myself. His mind was sharp and his humor devilishly wicked. He dodged my weak and rather passive attempts to get to know him. Which, like I predicted, only made me curious.

Edward had thrown out the lure, and I was fish hooked. As his lips brushed my cheek when he was saying goodbye, I wondered if Kohl's sold flame retardant panties. I was going to need them.

 **A/N: Ohh Bella... you need a life preserver! She is sooo smitten!**

 **Tell me what ya think! See ya on Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:You're reactions to last chapter made me giggle! Freaking Fluve you all!**

 **Big shout out to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and to Sally for placing commas where they should be and other beta stuff. I always tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Each day went the same way. Edward would corner me at Caribou, then invite me to lunch. I learned he was twenty-five- just two years older than me. He was originally from Chicago, and for reasons not quite clear, he migrated up here to Minnesota. Jasper, the owner of the shop he worked at, was an old friend from back home.

I wanted to know more. Did he have any siblings? Why did he move to Minnesota? What about his parents? I could've asked him, yet I instinctively knew he wouldn't answer. This thing that was between us was tenuous, and as much as I knew it wouldn't end well, I wasn't ready for it to stop. Just not yet.

But as I watched him, there was an air of escapism that surrounded him; it added to the wild energy that swirled around him. I'd bet everything I owned that Edward was running from something. Nothing illegal like the law, but from life, from something he just wanted to shake. I understood that feeling; I felt it. Difference was I stopped running, and I wasn't sure Edward had.

So on Thursday when we were munching on our Chipotle burrito bowls, I couldn't help but smile when he asked me if I had any weekend plans.

Trying to be casual, I shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing much. Why do you ask?" To prevent myself from saying too much, I shoveled a forkful of rice and chicken in my mouth.

"Was hoping you'd want to go riding with me. Taylors Falls is having their River Days Festival, and the drive up is spectacular." He was so calm it was unnerving. While my insides were doing the cha-cha and threatening to reverse my lunch. Edward was chowing down chips and guac like he didn't have a care in the world.

Regardless of all that, there was only one way to answer him.

"When are we leaving?"

 **A/N: Hmm.. so they have a date... of sorts? Taylors Falls is a wonderful place... the festival is all made up!**

 **I'll see you on Friday and until then.. let me know what you think!**

 **WVG**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: You're all excited for their date... *giggles* Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. I tinker so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Bright and early Saturday morning, Edward was knocking on my door. When I opened it, his sexy smirk greeted me, and I wanted to melt into a puddle of goo. One corner of his lip always tilted up a little more, giving his smile extra oomph. So fucking kissable.

"Ready, beautiful?" My heart raced at his nickname for me, and I had to remind myself for the millionth time that he was just saying what my name meant.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I slung my small fabric purse over my head and watched Edward's ass as he trotted down the stairs of my apartment building. When we got to his bike, Edward held out what I secretly called my helmet. He waited patiently for me to get it on and then get situated onto his bike.

As I secured my arms around his waist, I was jolted by the feel of his hands squeezing mine. "Hold on tight, spider monkey, we're going for a ride." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but smile. With one last squeeze, he started his bike and the rumble beneath my thighs made me laugh.

"Let's go, monkey man," I yelled, making damned sure my lips grazed the shell of his ear. I smiled when he shivered. Maybe Edward wasn't as immune to me as I had thought.

 **A/N:I love using dialogue from the books and movies... I know this one isnt much.. but.. since its the start of the holiday weekend.. I'm gonna be nice and post a second chapter later tonight.**

 **Leave me your thought!**

 **WVG**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Because I promised you all...**

 **Love to my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. I tinker.. all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The ride to Taylors Falls was breathtaking. The sky was a clear blue, hardly any clouds, and the sun was warm, negating the effects of going ninety miles an hour down the freeway. Before Edward had ever taken me on a ride, I was never an enthusiastic road tripper. The thought of being trapped in a car for hours on end seemed like torture. But with Edward, I could see the allure. Maybe it was the fact we were on a bike, or because I was with Edward, or a bit of both; either way, I was having the time of my life.

After an hour on the freeway, we turned off onto a county highway. Here the trees were closer, taller, standing as sentries as Edward navigated the twists and turns. I'll admit to loving the way I got to hug his body as we leaned into turns. My imagination always conjured images of us being in this same position only skin to skin. I felt as if I was the matching piece to him. Not that he was my soul mate, I wasn't crazy, but more just how our bodies molded around each other. There was a sense of comfort and rightness. Try as I might, I didn't let it, or him, go to my head. I had to remember there was an expiration date on us.

 **A/N: Short and sweet... just like you all!**

 **Happy Memorial Day to those in the US. I may be slow in replying to reviews as we leave for the cabin in the morning and get back on Monday.**

 **Leave me some love...**

 **xoxo**

 **WVG**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Ok.. real quick... Bella's being a realist... she doesn't get the sense that Edward is 'forever' type of guy. So she's going into this with no expectations and just have fun. So many of you felt she was being negative or trying to end it before it starts.. and thats not the case... Remember.. she's been burned with her mom, so shes a bit, cautious with Edward.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

When we arrived in Taylors Falls, it was exactly how you would picture a small town festival. Families pushing strollers filled with excited kids. Groups of teens laughing and plotting mischief. Older adults sitting in the shade, content to people watch. The smell of fried foods, beer, and trash mingled in a not so unpleasant mixture. Rigged games filled with stupid prizes that would see the inside of a trashcan in less than a year lined one side of a street. There were even a few of those carnival rides that went from place to place. I wasn't insane enough to go on them; they looked like they were one screw away from chaos.

Yet, with all that going on, all I could really focus on was the feel of Edward's hand in mine. He surprised me when he grabbed it after we had parked the bike. It was effortless and without preamble. I felt his touch everywhere. Electricity zinged from our hands, up my arm where it pinged-ponged inside my chest. It was exhilarating.

We snacked on mini donuts, cheese curds, and funnel cakes, only to wash it down with ice-cold beer. At the water pistol game, Edward won me a small, chocolate brown bear wearing a purple T-shirt that said "Beary Cute." I'd keep it for forever.

We swayed as we listened to some local bands and took pictures of us on the huge John Deere tractors. He tried to get me on the scrambler, but I dug my heels in, and when that didn't work, I pouted.

"You're too adorable, Bella." With that, he kissed my cheek and we continued down the street. I wasn't ever washing my face.

 **A/N: Aww... they are too cute!**

 **Now.. let me know what ya thought!**

 **WVG**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: You guys are loving the date.. lets see how it continues...**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta skills. All mistakes are mine cuz I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"Do you mind if we go someplace real quick? It's not too far, and we'll back in time to watch the fireworks over the river."

I shrugged. "Sure. I'm kinda at your mercy, seeing as you're my ride." I winked at him, feeling a bit feisty.

Edward smirked, and I was so caught up in it I never noticed his hands that were silently creeping toward my sides. Lightning fast, he moved his fingers over my skin, making me shriek.

"Being so cheeky, Bella. I'll show you what being at my mercy looks like," he warned with a smile on his face. Being bigger and stronger, I was no match for him. He easily corralled my flailing hands in one of his.

"Stop! Stop it! Uncle!"

His hands immediately ceased their torment. Edward's face was awash in his win. Green eyes twinkled with mirth, and his lips curved in a glorious smile. I was panting with exertion but smiling like a fool. Surprising me even more, Edward kept hold of my hands and pulled me close to him. Touching his forehead to mine, I forgot how to breathe. Air whooshed out of my lungs only to be filled with the scent of Edward- earth, cloves, and musk. I kept my eyes open, not wanting to miss a single fucking thing. We stayed that way for just a moment or two, but it felt like a lifetime. Then with surprised gentleness, Edward kissed my nose and then moved us toward his bike. Good thing I had already decided I wasn't going to wash my face.

 **A/N: Are we feeling swoony yet?**

 **Leave me some love! See you Friday!**

 **WVG**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: SURPRISE! I was going to do this last night, but it slipped my mind. Anywho... this is a chapter inspired by: Granma Dee who made me laugh last chapter, to CSG who had a shitty day and I want to make her smile and in honor of my kid graduating 5th grade.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally who waved her red pen to make it pretty. I tinker- mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

In no time, we were back on the twisty side roads as the sun was beating down on us, and I'd never felt freer. If you would've asked me my opinion of motorcycles, I would've shrugged. They were never something I'd considered. But being with Edward changed my mind. Seeing him ride was a fuck-hot sight. He looked so bad-ass, like he couldn't give a flying fuck about anything. Then there was the feeling when I'm riding with him. Being pressed up against his back made my lady bits drool, then when he reached back to stroke my thigh as we're cruising down the road … ugh … thigh clenching for sure. There was also a sense of freedom. The wind, the sun, the road, they all mixed up to provide an experience you need to experience to believe.

I was in awe of the confident way in which Edward handled his bike, like it's an obvious extension of him. The thought of me trying to handle a bike was nerve-wracking. Yet Edward maneuvered it as if he'd been doing it his whole life. I wouldn't be surprised if he was born with a leather jacket, combat boots, and keys to a Harley.

I stopped thinking about Edward long enough to see us pull into a tree-lined road. It eventually led to a small shack where I realized we were riding into a state park. Edward paid the entrance fee, and then we were slowly making our way deeper.

All around us, trees towered over us, their impressive spans blocking out the sun. The light that managed to get through was diffused, creating a hazy look. Taking a deep breath, all I could smell was clean air. It was cool and refreshing.

Edward pulled into a parking lot and helped me off the bike. I looked around, trying to discover where we were and what he wanted to show me. A teeny voice wondered if he was taking me to the woods to have his evil way with me. The hussy in me was trying to fluff her tits just in case.

Some days I think I'm totally certifiable.

 **A/N: That last lines cracks me up! So, what do you think? Leave me some love.**

 **See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I love all you hussy's! *mwah***

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn: pre-readers of wonder and Sally who added all my missing comma's. I tinker, all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Wordlessly, Edward grabbed my hand and headed toward a faintly marked trail.

"Um, where are we?" I inwardly cringed at my suspicious tone.

Of course, if Edward noticed, he didn't say anything. Instead, he just squeezed my hand. "It's called Interstate State Park. I know, stupid name. We've always called it Lake of the Dells."

 _WE?_

Who were this "we" that he mentioned? I wanted to ask, but something told me to hold off. A nagging feeling that Edward was starting to peel away the many layers that made him, and I wasn't going to do or say anything to make him stop.

"Cool," was my only reply.

In silence, we trekked over a well-worn path until it emptied out at a clearing. On one side, there was a grassy area with several occupied picnic tables. The other side had a stone building that I was certain held restrooms. But a completely still lake loomed in front of us. A wide expanse of sandy beach lined the shore where people laid out and kids dug large holes.

"A beach?" I quipped. "I'm not exactly dressed for sun-tanning."

Edward just shook his head. "Smart ass. We're not here for the beach today. We're headed over there." He pointed to something on the far side of the grassy area.

"What's over there?"

"Trust me."

I nodded because that was something I've done since the second I met him.

 **A/N: Where they are is real... I've been there.. and its soo beautiful! Like Edward, we always called Lake of the Dells.**

 **So, who is he talking about when he said 'we'? Hit me with your thoughts and love.**

 **There will be a special weekend post.. just not sure when.**

 **WVG**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I love all the theories you have about Edward... let's see if I can give ya a little hint!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally with her beta magic. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The trail was well worn and easy to follow. Even better, it wasn't always wide enough for us to walk side by side, so I got plenty of opportunity to ogle his ass. We met a few people along the way, which prevented me from grabbing a hunk of it in my hands. One day, I promised my inner hussy I'd grab it, maybe even spank it. With a silly grin on my face, I followed Edward.

About fifteen minutes later, he deviated from the path, which was going up a slight incline, to take a lower, less obvious, trail. Wordlessly, Edward reached back for my hand, and I slid mine into it. "Be careful," he warned as we walked over rocks and stepped down slight declines.

"Um, Edward?" I questioned him.

"Trust me," was his only reply.

Moments later, the path gave way to one of the most spectacular views I had ever seen. We were situated on a high bluff that overlooked a slightly churning river and across from us was another bluff. Blue sky dotted with big puffy clouds stretched out endlessly before us. It really made you realize just how small you were on a grand scale.

Edward pulled me back so I was nestled into his chest, his chin rested on my shoulder. His hands rubbed soothing circles on the back of my hands, and I was enthralled by it all.

"I used to come here all the time as a kid. I have family in Cambridge, and I would spend summers up here. It was my escape."

I held my breath, worried, that if I moved he would stop talking. I tried to picture Edward as a kid and failed. He was so masculine that it was hard to imagine him as an awkward adolescent. What I didn't fail to notice was the trace of sadness and wistfulness that tainted his words. His vulnerability made my heart ache for him. He looked so strong and virile; it was incongruent with the idea that he could ever be weak.

Silence descended over us. My mind frantically scrambled to find the right words to let him know I heard him, that I wasn't going to judge his past. We all had them, and I implicitly understood the desire to keep it behind you. So when I failed to find the words, I did the only thing I could. I snuggled closer and threaded our hands together and gave his a squeeze.

His reply was to hold me closer and squeeze me tighter.

 **A/N: Just as an FYI, Cambridge is a city in Minnesota... where this story takes place. So, Edward came to MN to escape. On Monday we will get a teeny glimpse into his story.**

 **Leave me love to wake up to.. I'm going to bed!**

 **WVG**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Are you ready to hear a little glimpse into Edward's story?**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen magic. I tinker, so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"I spent summers up here with my aunt and uncle. It gave me a break from shit at home, ya know?" In a weird way, I did, so I nodded and kept on rubbing his arms. We had been standing, cuddled together, for a while. It was heaven and hell, as I wanted to see his face but not wanting to disrupt his need to share bits of his story.

"They wanted to do more, but their hands were tied. My uncle Carlisle was my mom's older brother and played the overprotective sibling to the max. I think he was the only person my dad was ever scared of."

Dread filled the pit of my stomach; there were too many implications in his words. They were ominous and heavy and filled with pain. The urge to kiss Edward stupid, just so he could feel something other than hurt, overwhelmed me.

"Some of my best memories of them is being here, spending the weekend camping, hiking, and cliff jumping."

"Cliff jumping? Seriously?" I gave into my urge to look at him. When I did, there was the devilish smirk I was used to seeing.

"Oh, yes. From this place and few others on this trail." He winked and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You're pulling my leg. You jumped from this spot?"

He gave a casual shrug that infuriated me. "Yep." Then without warning, he uncurled us and pulled me closer to the edge.

"Edward!" I shrieked. "No!"

"Trust me, babe."

Shock over him calling me babe rendered me stupid, and he ended up pulling me down an unseen, barely worn path. In less than a thousand feet, we were standing on a little outcrop with the river churning below us.

"I'm NOT jumping, Edward." I took a few cautious steps back. I was never a huge fan of heights.

Edward rolled his eyes at me. "I didn't bring you here to jump. That will be another time. I just thought a pretty girl like you would appreciate a pretty view."

My mind didn't know what to concentrate on. The fact that Edward would bring me back, the idea he thought I was going to ever jump off a cliff, or how it felt when he called me babe.

 **A/N: I have done the cliff jumping from where they were... when I was younger and dumber! So we have a teeny look into Edward's life and it doesn't sound pretty.**

 **Let me know your thoughts! Until then, see ya Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: I love how you all rallied around this cute couple...**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta love. I tinker, all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The air that surrounded us when we got back to the festival felt different. It wasn't bad, just … different. I felt closer to Edward even though I knew how dangerous that was for my heart. I was almost certain I was correct when I had thought Edward was running from something. The unspoken words that lingered in between what he had told me painted a bleak picture of a past worth escaping.

I felt drawn to him even more. The ghosts of my past recognized the need he had to run away. The soft, girly side of me felt compelled to soothe the scared little boy I was positive still resided in Edward. The in-control woman I wanted to be warned me to run far away. I wasn't going to be able to fix him. I couldn't slay the demons nipping at his feet. He had to do that all on his own. I knew that much.

But with all I knew and with all the red flags waving in my face, I still held his hand. I let him feed me funnel cakes and kiss my cheek. I allowed myself to melt into his body as we watched the fireworks, and I held him a little tighter on the ride home. I wasn't impervious to the danger of the fall that was ahead, I just had hope the fall wouldn't kill me, and I would eventually be able to move forward.

 **A/N: Aww...**

 **Just so ya know, in celebration of today being my birthday, you'll get a 2nd post later tonight! YAY!**

 **Until then.. share your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: THANK YOU for all the birthday wishes.. I feel so loved!**

 **Much appreciation and love for Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. All mistakes are mine due to tinkering!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

We had been outside my apartment for a while, just chilling. I didn't want the night to end, but there was a teeny part of me that worried if he got in my pants it would spell the beginning of the end. As I sat there having an internal debate between my brain and my libido, I let my eyes roam all over Edward. There was a lightness in his eyes that was new. The guarded look I was used to seeing was gone. I wanted to believe it was because he let me know just a little of what made him tick. He took a leap of faith, and I honored it with acceptance.

"Thanks for a great day," I whispered; the silence felt deafening, and I needed to break it.

"Thanks for coming with me," he murmured as he flashed his crooked grin.

I don't know what made me move closer to him. Maybe my libido had won the battle; maybe there were too many pheromones in the air. Whatever the reason, I was close enough to feel his breath fan over my face. My hands, which were hanging loosely at my sides, slid up his body to rest on his shoulders. Edward's eyes widened in response, which made me give myself an internal fist pump. Until that moment, I was content to let Edward lead. When I saw his response to my innocent but bold actions, it gave me a thrill of power, and I wanted to be drunk on it.

Without warning, I pushed myself up on my toes and pulled him down by his neck. At first, our kiss was soft, tentative. The taste of him on my lips made me delirious with want, and I wouldn't settle for anything less than a deep, possessive kiss.

What I got was beyond that. It took Edward just seconds to catch up, and when he did, I was consumed. His hands roamed over my body as they pulled me closer. My hands threaded in his hair where I grabbed fistfuls of it. Tongues stroked, lips tasted, and teeth nipped on whatever was nearby. Edward found the spot behind my ear that made me shiver with want. I learned that Edward moaned when I nipped the lobe of his ear.

Hearing that sound was my undoing. I wouldn't be satisfied until I heard him make that noise over and over. It was with that thought that I pulled back enough to choke out, "My place, now!"

 **A/N: *fans self* How's that for a first kiss?**

 **See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Ready to see what happens after that kiss?**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

24

BPOV

Edward didn't need to be told twice. In a series of quick moves, Edward had my helmet stashed, the motor off, and the keys in his pocket. We were practically sprinting up the stairs as Edward continued with his roaming hands. I laughed as he squeezed my ass, then moaned as he sucked on my neck as I tried to open the door to my apartment.

When I finally managed to get it open, Edward pushed me in and then into the nearest wall. He grabbed my arms and pinned them over my head. That small act of dominance had me grinding on him like a bitch in heat. With every squirm and movement, he pushed harder until his entire body covered mine. There was a wildness in his eyes; they glittered like bright emeralds. Seeing him on the edge of absolute chaos thrilled me.

In that moment, I reveled in his primal nature, and I longed to be his prey. With a strength I didn't know I possessed, I pushed him off my body, ducked down, and ran. I threw my jacket and shirt off in one move. When I made it to my room, I had my jeans down to my thighs by the time Edward regained his senses and recaptured me.

"You're going to pay for that stunt," he warned.

"I'd love to see you try," I challenged.

I smiled as he pulled my arms behind me and finished removing my jeans. The bra and panties I carefully picked out earlier in the day ended up in a pile of scraps. I giggled when I felt myself flying in the air and sighed when I landed on my bed. Edward was on me a second later, straddling my body as he whipped off his shirt and then shimmed off his pants. Seeing his body, naked, heaving, and sinfully sexy, I couldn't help but lick my lips.

"See something you like, babe?" he taunted.

"Yes," I hissed.

 **A/N: Swoony sighs...**

 **Leave me your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: SURPRISE! Extra chappie cuz I love ya all! Keep the fans handy peeps!**

 **Love to Dawna and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for using her red pen. I tinker, so mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Low light diffused behind my closed eyes as I came back into awareness. Shifting into a more comfortable position, my body protested and reminded me how thoroughly Edward used me. Images flashed on my eyelids: Edward's body draped over mine as he nipped and licked at my breasts, his hands in my hair as he guided my mouth over his cock, his fierce grip on my ankles as he pounded into me. All of that was only the first time.

The second round was filled with fingers digging deep, Edward punishing me from behind, and the feel of his teeth as they sunk into my shoulder when he came. I was exhausted after that, but Edward gave me just an hour nap before I found him between my thighs, lashing at my clit. His arms pinned my hips down, and without a shred of mercy, he brought me to orgasm three times before I cried uncle. With a hyper-sensitive clit and a still pulsing core, Edward slid into me easily to begin a lazy but deep pace. He hit my clit over and over, sending sparks of pain and pleasure throughout my body. It was only after he came to a shuddering climax that he collapsed. His breathing evened out, and it lulled me into a deep slumber.

In the early morning rays of a new day, I waited for the shame to come. While I was no prude, it wasn't like me to jump into bed with a guy who was practically a stranger. The problem was the stranger was Edward, and he drew me in, and I refused to fight against it. There was an attraction between us that I had yet to feel with any other guy I had been with. Last night, it stripped away the last barrier I had. I'd thought I could shelter my heart from Edward, now I knew how wrong I'd been.

As I rolled over to watch him sleep, I vowed to just enjoy him for as long as I had him. I would give myself to him- body, mind, and heart. I sent a fervent prayer to the heavens that I would be able to piece myself back together.

 **A/N: Not a complete fade to black.. Looks like Bella is all the way in! Are you?**

 **Leave me love! See ya Monday!**

 **WVG**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: I love that you're all in!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and Sally for her beta magic. I tinker so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Closing a retail store sucks. There's an endless list of shit that needs to be done and zero motivation to get it done. Luckily, I wasn't alone. On the other hand, unfortunately, I wasn't alone. We were in the juniors' section refolding a display of jeans, when my three coworkers descended upon me.

"So, what's the deal with you and that Edward guy?"

Tanya's voice was non-judgmental but filled with curiosity. Not sure what was up with us, I shrugged.

"Come on, Bella. You've got to give us more than that. You've been all glowy and googly-eyed. There's something going on between you two." Jessica waggled her eyes, and I smiled at her.

I was going to throw them a bone when Angela opened her mouth to spew shit. "He's probably looking for an easy fuck. He looks like the type to hit it and quit it."

For a brief second, my heart sank as I realized there could be truth to her words. Luckily, Tanya and Jess had my back.

"You're just jealous cuz you asked him out and he turned you down," retorted Tanya.

"More like she went down in a blaze of non-glory," snickered Jess.

Angela huffed, flipped us the bird, and stomped off to another part of the store. Curiosity got the best of me about what went down and more importantly, when.

"What's the story, morning glory?" I pinned my gaze on Jess as she was most likely the one to spill.

With a gleeful smile, Jess regaled me with what she witnessed.

"It was late last week, Angela cornered him when he was out for a smoke break. She tried to flaunt her tits, got all touchy feely, and then asked him out." Jess rolled her eyes, and I stifled a giggle. "You should've seen Edward! He had his sunglasses on, and when she was done fawning, he lifted them up and said, 'Did you say something?' He didn't even wait for her to reply before he walked away!"

The three of us howled in laughter, and my self-esteem bloomed. That was until it was Jess' turn to pin me with her gaze.

"So, really, are you guys like exclusive or something?"

 **A/N: Hmmmm... I wonder what the answer is...**

 **I'd love to hear your answers! See you Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: I think you'll love today's chapter! Answer to a very special question...**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta love. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Jess' question lurked in the back of my brain like a fly you just can't quite swat away. I tried in vain to ignore the nagging feeling of having no answer to her question. I didn't want a label to who we were or what we were. Intrinsically, I knew labeling what was going on between us would hasten the end of it. But after Jess' question, I just couldn't get the idea of what we were out of my head.

Later that week, Edward would take all of my musings and blow them out of the water. He invited me to a party at the house of his boss, Jasper and his girlfriend, Alice. I was a bit nervous as everyone there would be a friend of Edward's and I would be out of my element. With as much courage and spunk as I could muster, I put on a brave face, my favorite pair of ass kicking panties, and a killer red lipstick.

The ride over calmed me, so when we arrived, I felt equipped to handle whatever was thrown my way. Plan B would be to get stinking drunk and hope the night passed in a haze. Edward twined our hands together as he walked us around to the back of the small rambler-style house. The smell of grilled meats filled the air along with pulsing music. Jasper spotted us as soon as we turned the corner. He greeted Edward with a complicated man-shake and then turned expectantly to me.

Without hesitation, Edward put his arm around me and pulled me close. "Jazz, this is my girl Bella. Bella, boss man Jazz."

"Nice to meet ya," he drawled, his accent full on southern in origin. Just then, the smallest girl I had ever met bounded to Jasper's side.

"Bella, this is my girl Alice. Alice, this is Edward's girl Bella."

Alice's eyes widened minutely, but I caught it. My mind reeled with what caused such a reaction. Had she dated Edward at one time? Did she think I wasn't Edward's type? Did I smell bad?

I didn't have much time to ruminate as Edward was dragging me all over the yard introducing me. My smile grew wide each and every time he called me his girl. Forget Plan B, I was drunk on those two words.

Later that night, I was nursing a beer while staring into the bonfire when Alice sidled up next to me. It was the first time I got to really look at her. She was tiny, shorter than me, sported bright blue hair, and more than a few piercings. Yet it was her arms covered in tats that fascinated me. I had always wanted a tat, just never had the courage or an idea of what I wanted.

"How's your beer? Do you need a new one?" Her voice was calm, yet I felt on edge.

"I'm good. Great party. Thanks for letting me crash it." I gave her my best smile.

"Not a problem. So … how long have you been Mase's girl?"

"Mase?"

"Edward? His last name is Masen, and I call him Mase as he won't let me call him Eddie." She laughed at her joke while I panic as I realized I never knew Edward's last name.

 **A/N: dun dun dunnnnnnnn... LOL**

 **We got more than a few answers today! I hope you liked it! Please, let me know what you're thinking.**

 **See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Sorry this is a bit late.. crazy day! It makes me chuckle how so many of you have questions about Alice! Hopefully they will be answered... eventually!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. I tinker so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

28

BPOV

Alice is looking at me, expecting an answer to her question. I shrug and look skyward to buy me some time. How in the hell am I supposed to answer that? I go with the truth as much as I could.

"A few weeks? Right around when he started at Jasper's shop." Alice nods her head and takes a swig of a beer I never saw.

Silence fell, and I was desperate to fill it, if only to make sure we stopped talking about Edward and me and our relationship. My eyes roamed around looking for anything to talk about, when I landed on her arms, inspiration struck.

"Love your tats. I've always wanted to get one, just never knew what of."

Alice's face split into a beaming smile, the ring in her lip gleamed in the firelight. "I designed them all. A few I even inked myself."

"Really?" My eyes squinted in the low light to figure out which one she did herself. "Are you a tattoo artist?"

Her head bobbed enthusiastically. "Yeah, I work in a shop off 35W and 98th in Bloomington. If you ever want one, let me know; I'd love to ink you."

The rest of the night, we spent talking about her ink and the strange requests she's inked on others. I was happy that I managed to get her off the topic of Edward and me, but I was left with a nagging suspicion there was more she wanted to say.

 **A/N: Short chapter... and to make up for a late post.. there will be a extra one this weekend.. just not sure when!**

 **Until then... leave me your love, it always makes me smile!**

 **WVG**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Seriously... I love my readers! This extra post is for my pre-reader, Carmen- its her birthday! Love you sissy!**

 **Love to all my ladies: Pre-readers Carmen and Dawn and my beta, Sally! I tinker, all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

As I clutched my arms around Edward later that evening, my mind was whirling with all that I didn't know about Edward. Hearing Alice just casually tell me what his last name was struck a nerve with me. I had slept with a guy I didn't really know. I didn't think knowing he was hot as fuck counted as knowing anything substantial. My conscience screamed at me that I was nothing more than a brazen hussy.

So wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn't realize we had made it to Edward's place. He removed my helmet, then framed my face in his hands and tipped it up so he could stare into my eyes.

"What's going on in there? If you think any harder, your brain might explode." His teasing smile broke me from my crazy thoughts. I tried to smile back, but my mouth had other ideas.

"I never knew your last name was Masen." I winced at my accusing tone.

Edward's smile never dimmed. "You never asked, beautiful."

I opened my mouth to refute his statement but quickly realized he was right. Was my fear of losing him sooner rather than later holding me back from treating this like a normal relationship? My mind bit back that we were anything other than normal, but was that any reason not to do normal relationship things like, oh I don't know … learn Edward's last name?

Looking at Edward, he was still smiling, and I didn't try to hold back my scowl. His laughter only fueled my little hissy fit.

"It's true, my little tiger." He kissed my nose and then pulled me by my hands up to the door to his place. "Let's go get acquainted," he drawled with a wicked gleam in his eyes.

 **A/N: Hmmm... wonder what kind of aquainting they will do? I promise, thats a word!**

 **Let me know what you think!**

 **WVG**


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: Thanks for all the love! You make me smile!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and fell in love with Edward and to Sally who beta'd and is waiting patiently for me to send her more. I tinker, all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Hours later, we were lying in a sweaty heap of arms and legs. My head was on his chest; I drew lazy circles on his stomach as his hand caressed up and down my back. My body hurt in the most delicious ways. Edward had worked to make sure he knew there was no doubt I belonged to him. He fucked me with a savage need that only quieted once I was a quivering mass of goo. How he coaxed so many orgasms out of me, I'll never know.

In the hazy glow, I felt normal. This was how normal people acted, and it made me smile. Maybe it was because I was so relaxed, but the next words out of my mouth flowed easily.

"So, I'm your girl, huh?"

In that moment, my brain registered several things at once. The lack of tension in Edward's body, the way his fingers never strayed from the circuit they were making on my back, and the total conviction in his simple reply.

"Of course."

A warmth suffused throughout my body, and I was happy he couldn't see the cheesy grin that split my face in half.

"Cool," I replied lamely.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked me.

"Green." I giggled. Before he could ask me why, I questioned him right back.

"You're favorite color?"

"Brown."

The romantic in me melted once more into a puddle of goo.

The rest of the night, we learned about each other. When we'd exhausted all the questions we could think of, Edward loved me slowly. There wasn't an inch of my body that his lips hadn't kissed, or his hands had stroked. His touch had been branded into my every cell. I felt alive and buzzed. My body reacted to everything he did, and Edward played me as if I were his opus.

My last thought was worrying if all this knowledge would just hasten the end between us, and if so, I didn't care. I would burn through a million fires to feel as alive as I did in that moment.

 **A/N: I want to be a puddle of goo with Edward. Let me know what you think, it makes me happy!**

 **See ya Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Have you all recovered from being goo? I have extra glue!**

 **Thanks to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for making it pretty. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I had convinced myself that everything would change now that Edward and I grew closer. But as usual, I was wrong. Edward woke the next morning with a raging case of morning wood that he sweetly asked my help in fixing. Okay, so he flipped me over and entered me in one smooth thrust. Same difference.

Afterward, we showered together where I was surprised by how gently Edward could wash my hair. In harmony, we worked to make fried egg sandwiches for breakfast. There was no weird tension or silences, no regret or doubt about our late-night sharing. It was all perfectly normal. There was a part of me that wanted to second-guess it all, to let fear and doubt rule the roost. The bigger part of me gave that side of me the finger and just let go and enjoyed the moment. When it came to Edward, I wasn't going to regret one single thing, so I wanted to make it good.

 **A/N: See! I told you all she would get to a place where Bella would chillax!**

 **What would you like to eat for breakfast with Edward?**

 **See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: I got some naughty readers... wanting to have Edward for breakfast! I love it!**

 **Thanks to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and to Sally for beta pen. I tinker so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

A few weeks later, we were back in Jasper and Alice's yard celebrating Jasper's birthday. The music was blaring, drink flowing, and I was having a blast. Unlike the last time I was there, I was relaxed. I didn't feel the need to overthink everything I was doing. Instead, I was living my life. I was a young woman, too young to worry about everything. So I let my heart guide me.

I danced with Alice in a tame little mosh pit. I flirted with Edward as I jumped, bounced, and waved my arms. He was chilling on the other side of yard with a bunch of guys from work. When he would catch my eye, he would smile and wink. Later, when I was getting down and dirty with Alice, I watched as his eyes followed my every move. When the song turned to a slow one, he was behind me, hands on my hips, pulling me flush up against him.

His breath was warm on my ear as he flicked my lobe with his tongue. I could feel how much he enjoyed my dancing.

"You're a bad girl, Bella," he whispered.

His voice washed over me like a breeze, causing me to shudder.

"Am I going to be punished?"

His groan had me smirking.

"Yes," he hissed.

Before he could make good on his promise, Jasper yelled at him to get his ass over to the grill. With a kiss to the crook of my neck, he let me go.

"We ain't finished; I got plans baby girl."

Weak kneed, I stumbled over to the closest chair and fell heavily into it. That man was going to kill me, and it was going to be a lovely way to go.

 **A/N: UNGH... I get week-kneed when a guy calls me baby girl... *swoony sighs***

 **I will try to get a bonus chapter out this weekend.. but my daughter also has a dance comp... so we will see how much time I'll have!**

 **Leave me some love and maybe Edward will whisper baby girl in your ear!**

 **WVG**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: OMG! What a loooong weekend of dance! But we are done and she did amazing! Due to that, there was no bonus chapter. I am sorry about that.. there will be a bonus this week.. just not sure when!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and Sally who waves her magic beta pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"You're good for him," stated Alice.

Her words broke me from my crazy stare, which had been locked on Edward since he left my side.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Alice handed me a beer and sat back in her chair. Her gaze flicked over to Edward and then back to me. "You're good for him. You make him happy."

A warm tingly feeling filled me at her words. I knew how much he made me happy, and I could only hope I made him feel a portion of that.

"Um, thanks," I lamely replied. "He makes me happy."

Unsure what else to say, I shrugged. Alice's steel gray eyes never left me. There was no malice in her gaze, more like she was trying to figure me out, and it made me more than a little uneasy. A few moments passed before she spoke to me once more.

"He'd kill me if he knew I was saying this, but be gentle with him. I know he comes off tough and all, but deep down, he's a wonderful guy." She paused, her eyes finding Edward laughing at something Jasper was telling him. "We all have scars, and some of us carry them deep down. Doesn't mean we're not worthy, ya know?" She looked back at me.

Not quite sure what she was getting at, I nodded. "Yeah, of course. Edward's a great guy."

With a nod, she stood up. "Don't forget that. He may fuck up, just; give him a chance."

With those cryptic words, she walked away.

 **A/N: Hmm... Alice being cryptic...**

 **I know so many of you are worried about Alice.. trust me.. she is good... you'll see!**

 **Let me know your thoughts and I'll see you for sure on Wednesday.. or whenever I feel like posting a bonus chapter!**

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	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: You all amaze me! But let me clarify something: Just like Edward refused to tell Rosalie's story in Eclipse, Alice isn't going to tell Edward's story- its not hers to tell. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to let Bella know that there is more to Edward than Bella can see.**

 **Also, with how the next 2 chapters work out, I'll be doing a double post today! So you'll get one in the morning and the other later tonight.**

 **Much love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for working the red pen. I tinker so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Alice's words spun in my head like a merry-go-round for almost two weeks afterward. Was she anticipating that Edward would fuck up? Did also see this relationship was going to end in a glorious flame out? Those questions and so many more gnawed at me to the point that my nails were nasty looking stubs. I was so engrossed in trying to decrypt Alice's words that I had totally forgotten what day it was.

It was only when I got a text from my mom telling me she loved me and was here for me if I needed her that I remembered. It confused me at first until I saw the date, and then it all made sense. In the blink of an eye, I went from puzzled to depressed. My eyes drifted to a silver picture frame sitting in my entertainment center. I knew without seeing it up close what it held.

It was slightly faded and showed me about ten years old in pigtails with a huge smile as my dad held a brand-new bike. It was my birthday, and I'd wanted a bike more than anything. The happiness and love in that picture made me ache. Little did that sweet, innocent girl know that in four years, her hero would be dead, and life would never be the same.

That was how Edward found me a few hours later- on the floor, crying, and clutching that photo. Wordlessly, he scooped me into his arms and cuddled me close on the couch. One hand petted my hair as the other rubbed my back. I tried to stop crying, but my heart wouldn't let me.

What seemed like hours later, I finally quieted down. Edward held me the whole time, rocking me gently, whispering nonsensical words. It was the most loving thing anyone had ever done for me. He handed me a Kleenex and I tried my best to clean up my snot -crusted face.

"What's going on, babe?" There was such concern in his voice it made my heart ache.

"Today would've been my dad's birthday." For a fleeting second, I worried that divulging too much would only hasten Edward's and my demise. However, a stronger, more vocal part of me wanted to share my dad with the man I loved. So I did.

 **A/N: Poor Bella... We will hear more about her dad later today!**

 **Until then, let me know what you think!**

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	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Its been a day.. I posted because I thought it was Wednesday.. *smh* Oh well! You all seemed to love it!**

 **Props to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for doing her beta thing! Any mistakes are mine, I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"He was killed when I was fourteen. He was working for one of the logging companies in town and was crushed in a freak accident when some straps holding a bunch of huge ass logs broke." I waited for the tears to come, but they never did. Instead, there was a lightness inside me, a feeling of weight being lifted off me. I've rarely shared much to do with my dad- partly out of grief, partly due to never really being close enough to anyone to want to share it. Being Edward's girl changed all that, and I was overtaken by a desperate need to tell him who my dad was.

"He wasn't supposed to work that day; he switched shifts with a guy so he could go to a wedding or something. For years, I hated those people for their selfishness; it wasn't until I was older that I realized I was more pissed at my dad and his giving spirit."

For hours, I told Edward stories about my dad: him taking me fishing, how he spent hours late at night putting that bike together, or how he taught me how to catch and throw a baseball. I talked about how depressed my mom got after he died. They had loved each other so much that it nearly broke her heart when he died. I went on to tell him how when she finally snapped out of her grief, I followed my mother on her quest to find herself for most of my high school years.

"I went to seven schools in four years and over five states before she settled down. She's now married to a minor league baseball player. I give her two more years before the itch to run takes over." I shrugged. I loved my mom, but the way she dealt with her grief left me feeling lost and adrift.

"My dad would've loved you," I whispered as I peered deep into Edward's jade eyes. "He loved to tinker with cars and old dirt bikes."

Edward smiled, and I felt so safe.

"He sounds like a cool guy. You're lucky to have had a dad as great as that."

The sadness and bitterness that was woven throughout his words was unmistakable. I wanted to ask, to finally figure out the mystery that was Edward Masen, but as quick as the emotions came, he shut them back down. He rolled us until he was hovering over me and began kissing me. Soon, all I could think about was him and how alive he made me feel.

 **A/N: Poor Charlie... more of Bella's story. There will be a post on Wednesday... I spoil you all!**

 **Leave me love to wake to!**

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	36. Chapter 36

**A/N: Awww... be still my heart... you're all so sweet on these two... I don't blame you...**

 **All my love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. I tinker, all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I waited for the fall-out to happen. The proverbial other shoe hung like a ghostly specter over us, and I was on constant alert. But as days gave way to weeks, and the weeks to another month, I realized that sharing my dad with Edward did nothing but lighten my world. While I would always grieve for my dad, it was no longer this soul-crushing weight. I was a living piece of my dad, and that was fine by me.

So, I relaxed and enjoyed my time with Edward. The summer was at its height- warm, humid, and bright. I looked forward to long nightly rides where it seemed to be just Edward and me with the wind rushing past us. When we done, Edward would show me just how much he needed me. There wasn't an inch of my body he hadn't seen, kissed, touched, and imprinted with his desire.

In return, I poured my love into him. I wanted to say the words; they were always on the tip of my tongue. When the temptation to utter those three little words would get to be too much, I would kiss him stupid. Edward never seemed to mind my random need to kiss him. When I was finished, he would have the silliest grin on his face. It always filled my heart to see him so carefree. But there were times when darkness would cloud his heart, making me long for that silly grin.

Such a darkness came over him one day, leaving me puzzled as to what it all meant. We were back at Jasper and Alice's, trying to beat the heat in their new above-ground pool. There were a few other guys from the shop with their girls there as well. I was lying in the sun, getting some color and drying off from being in the pool when I heard some squealing. Looking over toward the commotion, I saw Alice and few of the girls hugging and laughing. A shadow was cast over me, and squinting against the bright sun, I looked up to see Edward standing over me.

"What's all the noise about?" I pointed over my shoulder.

"Pete got his girl knocked up. Poor bastard," he replied while looking at the excited girls.

I frowned, not sure why he would say such a thing. As he swung back to look at me, he noticed my face, and there was a darkness that settled over him.

"Don't like kids?" I couldn't help but ask.

He gave an indifferent shrug. "Some people shouldn't be parents." With that, he walked away.

 **A/N: *sprinkles bits of Edward's story***

 **Let me know your thoughts. See ya Friday!**

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	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: You all blow me away! Please see announcement at end of chapter.**

 **Much love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for doing her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I'd like to say I didn't obsess over that little nugget of information Edward dropped. But I'm a slightly obsessive girl dating a mysterious guy; it was the perfect recipe for overthinking. Not helping matters was the fact that the universe seemed to throw the idea of children all over the place, and it was making Edward restless.

It all came to a head over a week after the party. I was watching a rerun of _Friends_ when Edward came over. I was laughing at Rachel being in labor for forever. When Edward asked me what I was laughing at, I told him and quipped that I hoped when I had kids they'd just cut it outta me, no fuss no muss. Since I was engrossed in the show, it took me a few minutes to realize that Edward hadn't spoken, nor had he moved farther into the room.

Looking over at Edward, his face was pale, pain etched in his chiseled features. He wasn't looking at me; his eyes were glued on the TV where a happy Ross and Rachel were cuddling with their new baby. If I knew his past, I would've understood why he looked as if he was haunted by some old ghost. Seeing as I didn't, I could only guess at what was really wrong. So I watched him, uncertain what the best course of action was. After a few tense moments, I silently walked over to him and placed a gentle hand on his arm.

"Edward, you okay?" I whispered the words, but they startled Edward as if I had yelled in his ear.

"Umm … yeah … I …"

"I was just kidding; you know that, right?" When he looked at me, shivers ran down my back. There was such deep pain in his eyes.

"I can't be a dad, Bella. I'm no good for that."

With that, he spun on his heels and fled my apartment. I blinked twice, and I heard his bike roar to life and then speed down the road. He was gone.

 **A/N: Dun dun dunnnnn... Quick announcement- very soon and later in the story there may be scenes that could potentially be triggering to some readers. I wont name them here, as it will disclose certain plot points, but if there are subjects that could be triggering to you, please PM me and tell me. I'll let you now if that is a subject you need to worry about. I will post a trigger warning on each chapter that could contain a triggering subject.**

 **There will be a bonus chapter this weekend, I promise it will happen. Until then.. what do you think?**

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	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: You floor me with your words! I'm honored to have you read mine.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn who pre-read and Sally for making it shine. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I was out of my element. Obviously, Edward held some deeply unresolved daddy issues. Yet I hadn't the faintest clue what I needed to do to help him. Or if he even wanted to be helped. So I did the only thing I could think of; I called Alice.

As soon as she answered, I word vomited all over. In a rush of words and run on sentences, I spilled my guts. By the end, I was panting, desperately attempting to suck oxygen back into my lungs. Yet, even over my obnoxious labored breathing, I heard the silence that was on the other end of the phone.

"Alice?"

"Shit," she breathed. "Oh, Bella …"

She just trailed off, and it chilled me to the bone.

"You can't just say 'Oh, Bella' and not continue. Talk to me, Alice!"

"I can't."

"Can't or won't?" I spat at her.

"Can't." There was such anguish in her voice, and she sounded impossibly tired. I was going to argue with her when she continued, unaware of my rising anger.

"I wish I could, Bella. It's just not my story to tell. And if I told you, he would feel so betrayed, and I just can't do that to him. That doesn't mean you don't deserve to know; you do. But it needs to come from him."

"That's pretty convenient, seeing as he won't talk to me! You gotta help me out here, Alice." I huffed in annoyance.

"As cliché as it sounds, give him time and space. Let him tell you in his own time."

I couldn't hold back my derisive snort. "Well, that means he'll never talk to me. If you haven't noticed, Edward isn't very loquacious."

Alice chuckled. "He's not, and again, he has his reasons. But I have a feeling he'll talk to you. Just give him time."

With a resigned sigh, I acquiesced to her suggestion. "I guess I have no other choice."

 **A/N: Well... thats something... just in case you're worried... I'm not pulling a NM.. okie!**

 **Let me know what you thought and I'll see you on Monday!**

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	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: Sorry for the late post. I went to post and realized I left my flash drive at home. Oh well.. I managed to write a few more chapters... I can see the light on my end!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand.I tinker, any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I waited and then waited some more. I was pathetic in my attempts in trying to get a glimpse of him. I would drive past the shop in stalkerish hope that I would see him outside taking a smoke break. When I would hear his bike roar in the parking lot, I would rush outside, only to see he was nothing more than a silhouette driving away from me. It was painful. I tried to keep Alice's words at the forefront of my mind. But it wasn't easy. My heart was hurting.

I ended up resorting to the craziest things to keep me occupied so I wouldn't text him or go break down his door. I re-arranged all the furniture in my bedroom, deep cleaned my bathroom, and got into the habit of doing food prep on Sundays. I even found a really good series of books and grew to enjoy a few hours of reading outside by my building's pool. My tan was coming along nicely.

It was almost a month later, and I was painting my living room. I was frustrated by the number of coats it was taking to make it look good. All my stuff was in the middle of the room, and I was growing antsy to put it all back. I was in the mood for a Netflix binge. Instead of binging, I was up on a ladder edging the ceiling line and getting high off the fumes. I was jamming out to T Swift when there was a loud banging on my door.

Rolling my eyes, I set my brush down and prepared myself to find my upstairs neighbor complaining that I had my music up too loud. I had the door open just a few inches when it was pushed open, making me jump back. I barely registered what was going on before I was wrapped up and my back was slammed against the wall.

Instantly, my lips were attacked, and the familiar scent of Edward filled my nose. My body relaxed, releasing tension I never knew I held. My arms and legs wound around him without me even thinking about it. Our lips moved frantically, trying to taste, lick, and nip simultaneously. His hands roamed over my body, growing frustrated by the layers of clothes between us. With a growl, he set me down, and with both of his hands, he ripped my ratty, paint-spattered T-shirt in half. My panties were drenched by his primitive actions.

Who cared that we had yet to say a word to each other. He had come back, and that was more than enough for me.

 **A/N: Awww.. he came back! I told you he would! Even better than him coming back is the next chapter... OMG... *fans self***

 **Until then.. let me know how you like their reunion so far and I'll see you Wednesday!**

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	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: See me at the bottom.**

 **Luv to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The rest of the night, we got reacquainted with each other's bodies. It ran the gamut from fierce and painful, to so slow and tender that I couldn't help but cry. Edward kissed and caressed my entire body, causing shivers to roll down my back. The ever-present electricity that always seemed to arc between us was just as intense, maybe even more than before.

I gleefully attacked the spots on his body that always made him hard. I smiled in triumph when I heard his moan. Knowing I still affected him went a long way to heal the fractures in my heart. Having him so focused on bringing me to orgasm over and over didn't hurt either.

It was a few hours before dawn when we finally lay spent in my room. Edward was on his back, staring unseeingly at my ceiling. I was on my side, curled up next to him. My hand rested over his heart, and one of his hands was twined with it. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but they all died on the tip of my tongue. When I really looked at Edward, it wasn't hard to miss the dark circles under his eyes. His hair, which was always unruly, looked as if his hands had been pulling on the strands. His normally lean frame looked thinner, and there was an air of crushing defeat that clung to him like a second skin.

So instead of inundating him with questions, I held him close. Alice had been right; he came back, so I had to trust that when he felt ready, he would tell me what caused him to stay away for so long. Until that time, I decided I would show him just how much I loved him.

I rolled over, straddled him, and slowly ran my hands through his hair. My lips ghosted over his forehead, eyelids, cheeks, and nose, finally ending on his chin. I trailed my hands down the sides of his face to his neck and then resting on his collarbones. Methodically, my hands and lips roamed over his body. My teeth nibbled on his nipples while my hands roamed over his abs. I trailed kisses from hipbone to hipbone as my hands rubbed up and down his chest.

With every touch, the tension slowly leaked out of his body. I massaged and stroked, his calves working out the knots and tightness. When I made it back up to his hard cock, I engulfed it in one smooth motion. Edward's groan and shudder were all the reward I needed. I worked him steadily, keeping him at that line, but never giving him what he needed to fall over. I wanted him to let go; whatever demons he was running from, I wanted him to leave them behind and just feel what I was doing to him.

"Christ, Bella," he moaned. I smiled and gave him what he wanted. A few strokes, later he fell over with a roar. I pumped him until there was nothing left. Pulling away from him, I crawled back up to see Edward sleepily smiling at me.

"It's okay," I whispered. With a soft kiss, I covered us up and held him until he fell sleep. It took less than ten minutes.

 **A/N: Ok... there were quite a few of you that wanted talking before the sex. As mush as you want Bella to demand Edward talk... it won't work that way. HE needs to decide when its ok for him. So, until then, they needed to reconnect, reassure each other that they are there for each other. Have patience, the talk is so close, but only when Edward is ready!**

 **Would love to hear your thoughts! See ya on Friday!**

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	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: SURPRISE! We reached over 1K reviews and this is my THANK YOU to you all!**

 **Real quick- to a GR: Edward didn't leave Bella.. he ran from a triggering situation. There is a big difference. And if he was out dipping is wick somewhere else.. why come back? No, he was faithful! Next time sign in so we can chat!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and to Sally who adds commas where I forget them. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The sun was high in the sky when I woke to an empty bed. By the coolness of the sheets, I knew Edward had been up for hours. Panic fluttered in my gut at the thought that Edward left without us having an opportunity to talk. Sounds of pans being banged in the kitchen eased the panic, and I took a deep breath. There was no way Edward would talk to me if I was a nervous wreck. I had to get my emotions under control. Taking a few deep breaths, I proceeded to get dressed, throwing my hair into a messy bun.

What greeted me in the kitchen was the mouthwatering aroma of fresh coffee and food. Edward's concentration on his task was so deep, he never noticed that I had entered the room. He moved between the eggs he was scrambling and the pan filled with bacon. In that moment, I realized how young he really was. I was used to seeing him with a smirk or cocky arrogance that made him appear older than he was. It was refreshing to see the guarded look had left, if only for a short while. It made me want to make sure it never came back.

Drawing my attention back to what Edward was doing, I stifled a giggle when he got splattered by some bacon grease, causing him to swear like a sailor. I wasn't as quiet as I hoped as Edward's head whipped up and spotted me watching him.

"How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to know that you know some impressive swear words." I smiled at him as I walked over to him. I stopped just short of him, uncertain if a hug would be too much. Fortunately, Edward made the move first and pulled me into his arms. I melted into his arms, relishing the warmth and safety that radiated from him.

"Morning, sugar," he whispered as he kissed my head.

"Morning. Thanks for making breakfast. I don't think anyone has ever done that for me."

Edward's answering smile was brilliant. "Let's hope it tastes good. Can you get out plates and forks?"

I nodded and gathered what we needed. Edward plated up the food as I made up two cups of coffee. We sat down and ate in companionable silence. I could see Edward's brain working overtime; his eyes roamed all over the place and filled with emotions so fast they were impossible to read. To let him know I wasn't going to rush him, I filled the silence with stories of people from the store. His smile returned, and for a moment, I thought he flashed me a grateful look. I blinked and it was gone.

When the dishes were done and we were all dressed for the day, a tension-filled silence descended once more. Pain etched Edward's face; the guarded look was back. Helplessness washed over me. I didn't know how to help. My eyes flitted all over the place, hoping beyond hope that I could find something to save Edward.

When I spotted his jacket, sudden inspiration hit.

"Take me on a ride, Edward."

 **A/N: I know... I know... you want the talk... and its happening.. soon. In fact.. you can decide when its posted. The talk happens in ch 43. We can do a double Friday post or post the talk this weekend. Let me know!**

 **Again.. thanks for all the love you've shown this story.. It makes it so much fun to bring it to you! You will be happy to know that Sally has a bunch of new chapters in her possession... yay!**

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	42. Chapter 42

**A/N: Double post Friday it is! I love you all... so very much!**

 **More love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for beta skills. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

In a flash, we were on his bike, and I felt the tension leak from Edward's body as the miles flew under the tires. I wasn't sure where we were going, but it didn't matter. All I was concerned about was the man I was holding onto. I wanted to shelter him from his demons, but he'd been running from them for so long he didn't know how else to deal with them.

We'd been riding for over an hour before we finally stopped. The area didn't look familiar as I lost all since of direction once we left the main highway. All I knew was we were south of the cities. The vista in front of us held rolling hills and trees as far as the eye could see. There wasn't another soul for miles. It was just us and the wind. A perfect place to unburden one's soul.

Not wanting to push Edward, I got off the bike and walked a little way, taking in the beauty that was before us. There was a wildness to the land; it matched how I always saw Edward. I breathed deeply, letting the summer air fill my lungs. Closing my eyes, I tilted my face to the sky, feeling warm and at peace.

Edward's scent swirled around me a second before he spoke. "You look so beautiful."

I didn't turn around. "Thanks. It's beautiful here. How did you know about this place?"

Edward placed his chin on my shoulder; his arms snaked around me. "There was a time when all I did was ride and camp when I got tired. I found this place one night when I was looking for a place to crash."

There was no mistaking the wistfulness in his voice. My heart lurched at the idea of Edward all alone. As much as I hated my mother for her endless wandering, at least we were together. The thought of Edward having no one seemed almost criminal.

Before I could say anything to ease his pain, Edward surprised me by saying the one thing I never thought he'd say.

"I'm sorry."

 **A/N: Yeah..yeah.. a cliffie... hence the 2nd post later today. But as you can see.. he has apologized... the talk comes next chapter!**

 **Let me know if your ready for the next chapter! See ya later!**

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	43. Chapter 43

**A/N: My readers are fucking AWESOME! Grab your hankies and comfy blankies...**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and to Sally who makes it pretty. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

 ******TRIGGER WARNING- Contains possible triggering subjects******

BPOV

"You don't … "

"Yes, I do need to say it. I left without explaining anything to you. You've been the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time, and I freaked out. I'm pretty messed up, Bella. I'm no good."

"Edward!" I cried. "How can you say that?" I couldn't fathom that he would think of himself as anything but good. He's been nothing but wonderful to me.

He spun me around, and I could see how he believed the awful words.

"It's true, Bella." I shook my head. He sunk to the grass below and I followed him. His postured slumped, sadness permeated the air around us.

"My mom was a wonderful woman, so kind and warm. How she ended up with my dad, I'll never understand. He was a bastard. She claimed he wasn't always so mean, but I could never see him as anything but the person who tormented us every fucking day."

His words were rapid fire, as though if he didn't spit them out fast enough he would choke on them. In horrified silence, I listened. My hands clutched his, grounding us both to each other.

"He was a drunk and loved to use us as punching bags. When I was little, she would put herself in front of me, and he would hit her instead. Then the next day, they would act as if nothing was wrong. He would apologize, and she would accept.

"When I was older, I started to step in front of her. She was so worn down. I hated him, hated what he did to her. There were times I would beg her to let me kill him. It would be so easy to claim self-defense. But she refused, and then would make me take a walk to cool off when I got that upset."

Tears welled in his eyes, and I burrowed myself closer to him.

"I was walking one night- I had to get away. If I had known …" He paused as sobs wracked his body. A chill settled deep in my bones. A tendril of fear stabbed my heart. I could almost guess the rest of the story. I didn't want him to continue; I just wanted his pain to end.

"I came home; I could hear the screaming down the street. I ran, but I was too late. I found a bat I had gotten as a gift lying in the yard, and I was gonna go kill him. Her blood was everywhere. Cops were there, stopped me, and took him away."

His words were punctuated by his sobs, and I joined him in his grief. I could only imagine the gruesome scene he walked in on. I wanted to hurt his dad for causing him this pain.

"After that, I lived with aunt and uncle and Alice until I was eighteen. My dad would send me letters from prison, telling me how much of a fuck up I was and how he wished I would've come after him that night; it would've given him a reason to kill me."

He pulled away, looking up at me, his green eyes shining with his tears, a fierce look of determination on his face. "I vowed I'd never have kids; that way, I'd never fuck them up like my dad did me. I would be a horrible dad."

Words to refute everything he just said laid on the tip of my tongue. One look at Edward and how he was still haunted by his past, and I swallowed them all. Instead, I crawled onto his lap and engulfed him in my arms. Together, we cried and grieved for a little boy who saw too much and lost everything good in his world.

 **A/N: Are we all ok? *hands out hankies* One quick note... yes.. his story is jumbled and make little chronological sense.. and that is done on purpose. Its one of those things where you need to trust me. Either way, we all got the gist... Edward's father was a rat bastard.**

 **Let me know your thoughts and I'll see you Monday!**

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	44. Chapter 44

**A/N: You guys blow me away! But I do want to do a little PSA- It takes a woman at least 7 to 8 times before she leaves her abuser. As for Edward's mom- there is much more to the story.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and then yell at me and to Sally who makes it pretty. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Later that night, we were wrapped up in my blankets as the rain poured outside. I had the windows open, so the smell and sound of the rain filled my room.

We were lying on our sides, facing each other. Edward looked tired but also as if a weight had been lifted from him. I held one of his hands as I looked into his eyes.

"I didn't mean to freak you out," I confessed.

"I know," he replied. "I want you, Bella. You're too good for me, but I'm too selfish to stay away from you. But I don't want kids. If you do, it's better I leave now."

I brushed a soft kiss across his lips. "I didn't have the best role model for motherhood. Kids have never crossed my mind. I want you too."

"Are you sure?"

In hindsight, I was nothing more than a naïve girl, blinded by a man and a love so consuming. So the answer fell from lips without any real thought. It was an "in the moment" gut response.

"I am. Now kiss me."

He did more than kiss me. He took control of my body and became the master of it. The rain picked up, as if it were mirroring the fierce actions taking place in my bed. Together, we howled and created our own perfect storm of passion. As the thunder crashed and lightening lit up the sky, the familiar energy between Edward and me sparked and crackled. At the height of the storm, we both declared our love. I just wish someone had warned me; heated passion, like storms, never last long.

 **A/N: Things will settle for a bit for our crazy kids! See ya on Wednesday and until then, let me know your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	45. Chapter 45

**A/N: Thank you for all the support! You guys are the best!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally who waves her red pen and makes it all better. I always tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

In a land where snow and cold rule for most of the calendar, summer was always greeted with excitement. The sun, warmth, being outside, lazing by the water, pasty bodies turning golden. It was idyllic perfection. In the brightness of the summer, it was easy to forget that in a short few months the sun dims, temps cool, and the depressing cloud cover returns. I was acting the same way when it came to Edward and me. Too focused on the warmth and beauty of it, I failed to guard myself from the ending I always knew was coming.

After Edward's confession, we were on fire. Full of desire, needs, and joy. Back where the long lunches threatened to get me fired. Long nights riding with Edward to quiet places. Nights where were made sure to imprint our love on the other. Even Alice commented to me how she had never seen Edward happier. She thanked me for sticking by him after he shared his story.

"Of course," I replied. "I love him."

Plans were made for a future that just included us. Seeing the fall colors in Duluth, a long winter weekend in Vegas or Florida. I only wished I knew destiny held all the cards, and she had yet to show her hand.

 **A/N: Yes... I know Bella is sounding all gloom and doom. Remember, I have certain 'rules' I write by so fear not! Those 'rules' can be found on my profile as well as a link to my FB group. I have a poll up regarding contributing to a fandom charity compilation. I would love to hear what you'd like me to write.**

 **Until then, see you Friday and let me know if you're ready for a crazy ride!**

 **WVG**


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N: My readers amaze me! I fluv you all! See below for a exciting announcement!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and to Sally who makes this shine. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Labor Day weekend found a group of us at Interstate Park. It was nice to come back to the place where I felt our relationship had taken a turn toward bringing us closer. The guys were manning the grill while we girls were setting the table, filling it up with fruit, pasta salads, and bags of chips. Coolers of beer and pop littered the area we occupied.

After a filling lunch, some of us headed to the lake for swimming and lounging on tubes. Edward pulled me toward the group that was going on a short hike as they wanted to go cliff diving. In no time, a small group of us stood on the same ledge Edward and I had been on earlier in the summer. Butterflies filled my stomach as a million what-ifs floated in my head.

They were all silenced when Edward took off his shirt. Rippling muscles rendered me mute. His heated gaze mesmerized me as he stripped down to swim trunks. With a lick of his lips, he lifted the hem of my shirt up and over my head.

"I got you, babe," he whispered into my lips. "It will be fun!"

Screams from those who had already jumped broke through the haze of lust Edward created. My eyes looked over in time to see two more people run and jump. With baited breath, I waited to hear the splash and only resumed breathing when I heard it.

"Take my hand." I hesitated. "Trust me."

I did. So I placed my hand in his, and on the count of three, we ran and jumped. For a split moment, we were flying. There was an exhilaration in defying gravity. As we splashed down, destiny played her first card.

 **A/N: Strap in people... some turbulence is ahead!**

 **If you're a part of my FB, you've may have heard that I'm participating in a Fandom Charity Event: Babies at the Border. For a small donation to one of several organizations, you will receive a compilation of stories from a HUGE list of fandom writers. I will be donating 2 pieces: a kinky O/S and the start of another story. Please check out the FB group- Babies at the Borders for how you can donate and receive the bundle of stories. I also have a pinned post in my group with information.**

 **I will see you all Monday- until... what card do you think destiny played?**

 **WVG**


	47. Chapter 47

**A/N: Aww.. so many of you thought the same thing... We shall see how close you are!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and for Sally waving her beta wand. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I put my head back as the chair massager rolled up and down my back. The warm water swirled around my feet. To my left, Alice was in the same positon as I was. We both had a day off and decided we would treat ourselves to a little shopping and a pedicure. I sipped on my iced chai as the technician worked on my feet.

"Edward told me you guys are going to head up to Duluth in a few weeks. You should bring that black nightie."

I blushed and laughed at her lewd expression. "Why do you think I got it?"

"You go, girl!" She held her hand up and we high fived. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah, I think I had a touch of the flu. I'm glad it passed; I hate throwing up." Alice shuddered.

"Nothing worse than that. Where are you guys staying?"

"We splurged and staying at one of the hotels right on the lake. I can't wait." We spent the rest of our time talking about the trip Edward and I would be taking in a few weeks. I'd never seen the north shore when it was in full autumn color, and Edward was excited to show me.

When our toes were painted, Alice and I went our separate ways. I wanted to get some cleaning done before Edward got off work. I was making him my homemade stew and was going to try my hand at making some bread from scratch.

The bread was rising, and I was in my bathroom, scrubbing and washing everything down. When it was gleaming, I decided to organize the cupboard under the sink. I couldn't believe how much junk there was under there. Old shampoos, leaky bottles of bubble bath, sugar scrubs that had hardened, and a jar of bath salts that had spilled all over the place.

It took some time, but I managed to get everything cleaned up and was starting to put everything back. It was after I restacked the toilet paper and arranged all the cleaning supplies when I was organizing my period supplies. I was condensing all my tampons when it hit me; I couldn't remember getting my period in a while.

With dread, I dropped what I was doing and ran into my room where my phone was charging. With shaky fingers, I opened up the period app I used to track it. My breath whooshed out of me when I saw the last one I had entered was in July. There was none for August.

"Fuck."

 **A/N: Soo... do I need to hide? Will it help if I tell you that there will be a extra post this week?**

 **Leave me your thoughts.. I'm happy to hear them...**

 **Until Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	48. Chapter 48

**A/N: Are you all still with me? I hope so! See below for a few special announcements.**

 **Love to my ladies: Carmen and Dawn who pre-read and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I had no memory of the night. It was a haze as my mind whirled with the idea that I could be pregnant. All I could think about was what would Edward say; what would he do? My dreams were filled with all my anxieties. Several times, I woke Edward up with my thrashing and screaming.

The next morning, I was in Edward's arms, and he was trailing his hand up and down my arm. It was calming, and I was so exhausted and wished for nothing more than to go back to sleep. But I worked the afternoon, and I wanted to go to the store to get a pee test. I had to know if I was pregnant; the not knowing was killing me.

Before I could do that, I had to get past Edward, who was holding me tight. "You okay, love? You had a rough night."

I choked on my sassy comeback.

"Yeah, sorry. Not sure what that was all about. Sorry if I kept you up." I turned in his arms and gave him my best smile. He regarded me thoughtfully, his gaze studying me intently. I prayed he wouldn't see the panic on my face.

"I'm fine. I was just worried about you." His loving smile almost broke me. Instead, I launched myself at him, kissing him to distraction. When he surrendered to the kiss, I knew I had him. I threw in a morning blowjob, and an hour later, he was leaving with a satisfied smile on his face. I should've been disgusted with myself, but all I could think about was getting that test.

An hour later, I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom. The stick was laying on the counter above me, and my phone was on the floor, ticking away, counting down from three minutes. My stomach threatened to expel the bagel and coffee I had forced myself to eat. When the chime sounded, my gut lurched, and I had to close my eyes and force myself to calm down.

With a deep breath, I moved to my knees and reached for the stick. Like a child who didn't want to know, I closed my eyes until I felt my hand grasp it and bring it to eye level.

 _Come on, Bella, don't be a chicken shit!_

My brain screamed at me to just get it over with. My heart was another matter; it knew just how much I had to lose. Before I could talk myself out of it, I opened my eyes and furrowed my brow at the _not pregnant_ that was displayed.

 **A/N: Well... that's an interesting twist... *smiles***

 **Two announcements: 1) I've decided that I'll be posting pic teasers in my FB group. They'll most likely post on the weekends and be pics for the whole week. Link to my FB group on my profile. 2) I've also decided that the kinky O/S I'm donating will be exclusively for the Babies at the Border compilation- meaning you will only find it there! Please check out the FB group for the compilation (link to it in my FB group) for how to donate as well as check out the banners and sneak peaks of the stories to be featured!**

 **This weeks extra post will be tomorrow... until then... tell me, how do you feel now? *smirks***

 **WVG**


	49. Chapter 49

**A/N: There was a collective sigh of relief from you all last chapter. Let's see if that feeling continues!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. I tinker, mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

It wasn't the result I had feared, but it did lift a huge weight off my shoulders. After a little online Googling, I learned that stress can mess up your period. I was stressed about Edward and our little mini-break, so I chalked it up to that and didn't think twice. After all, I had a wonderful weekend with Edward to look forward to.

So I put my period into the back of my mind and focused on my upcoming trip. Alice talked me into shopping for new clothes. "New clothes for new adventures," she quipped. It made sense to me. When all was said and done, I owned a couple cute sweaters and a pair of jeans that made my ass look fabulous.

Later, when I arrived at Edward's place, it took three of his kisses for all concerns of periods and pregnancy to evaporate. When dawn broke, I was sitting in front of Edward's computer, looking at all things I wanted to do while we were in Duluth.

 **A/N: Short I know... but Friday we have the start of their vacation!**

 **Util then... would love to hear whats on your mind!**

 **WVG**


	50. Chapter 50

**A/N: Love how there is a call for vasectomy and BC! Should we do a car pool?**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and keep me sane and to Sally who make this shine. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The end of September arrived in a blink of an eye, and I was excitedly waiting for Edward to get his ass moving. My car was packed, and he was trying to find his charging cord, which was taking forever.

"Found it!"

"About damn time," I retorted. "Let's get a move on, mister." Edward just laughed as he climbed into the car.

In no time, we were on the road. Music blared from a playlist that Edward created; we sang to each and every one of them. It wasn't a long trip to Duluth, a little under three hours, but I still badgered Edward into playing the alphabet game. We stopped halfway in Hinkley to get a box of Tobey's giant cinnamon rolls. Edward swore they were to die for, and if the smell coming from the box was any indication, I couldn't wait.

I was in awe when we came over the hill coming into the Duluth city limits, Lake Superior stretched out before us as far as you could see. It was almost like looking at an ocean. I let out a very unladylike squeal at the sight. "It's so cool!"

"I knew you'd like it," Edward replied with a touch of smugness. "I remember the first time I came here with Alice and her family; I thought the lake was the ocean." He squeezed my hand affectionately. I loved how he felt free to share little tidbits from when he was younger.

"So where do I go from here?"

"Follow the signs for Canal Park; we are literally on the lake."

Ten minutes later I was pulling into the parking lot. Edward wasn't kidding; the hotel was on the shore of the lake. Any closer and we'd be in the lake. But the outside of the hotel was no match for our room. It was on the third floor, looked out over the expansive Great Lake and had a ginormous king-sized bed with a fireplace facing it.

This was going to be a trip of a lifetime.

 **A/N: First off.. Tobey's... to fucking die for.. their cinnamon rolls are to die for! When you come over the hill and see Duluth.. its a cool sight. I went to school there, and its one of my fave places to visit. I have pics in my group to go along with this chapter. I'll more pics for next week chapters up on Sunday. Next post will be Monday... so.. leave me your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	51. Chapter 51

**A/N: If you haven't checked out the pic teasers I posted yesterday... go do it!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn who pre-read and to Sally for making it pretty. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

That night, we had dinner at the famous Grandma's restaurant, which we followed up with a nighttime stroll along the canal walk. It was kind of eerie standing at the farthest point, looking out at the lake, and it was like this black void. Edward was huddled up next to me as the wind swirled around us.

"It will look more impressive in the daylight hours. Now, why don't we work off dinner by the fireplace." His lips grazed my neck, sending shivers down my spine that had nothing to do with the chilly air.

"I like how you think."

In no time, we were back in our room, the fireplace was blazing, and we were skin to skin. There was an air of tenderness and romance in the air. There was no rush, just the need to explore, consume, to fuse as one soul. The reverence in which Edward loved me was like no one had ever shown me before. As I came with one last shuddering climax, tears sprung from my eyes.

Edward's brow furrowed as he saw my tears. I gave him my best watery smile. "Happy tears, babe. I love you."

His forehead touched mine. "Love you, too."

 **A/N: Awww... they are so cute! I LOVE Grandma's... the food is good! When I was in college there, its the place I'd go to dance.. I learned the Macarena there... don't judge! Until Wednesday, let me know what you think!**

 **WVG**


	52. Chapter 52

**A/N: Again... there are the pics in my group to go with this chapter. Sorry for the delay in this chapter.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

52

BPOV

The next day was bright and crisp. After a quick breakfast, we drove up the North Shore to Split Rock Lighthouse. There, we hiked all over, taking in the rich fall colors. Brilliant golds, yellows, and reds dotted the landscape. We hiked up hills that overlooked the lake and took a selfie of us kissing, the lake forming the perfect backdrop.

We traveled a short bit to Gooseberry Falls where I marveled at the natural waterfalls. I felt like a kid as I climbed rocks and jumped over shallow pools formed by the falls. I took zillion pictures just like a cheesy tourist, and I loved every second of it. Edward laughed as I went a little overboard in the gift shop. I stuck my tongue out at him as I added a book about the falls to my stack of goodies.

On the way back to our hotel, Edward insisted we stop by Betty's Pies. "They have the best pies in the world, Bella. You can't pass it up." I figured since he was right about the cinnamon rolls we got at Tobey's he had to be right about this. The food was simple but delicious, but the slice of caramel apple pie I ordered had me moaning like a whore. I gave Edward the stink eye when he laughed at my sounds.

"Shut it! This is so good." I scooped another bite, not caring how I looked.

"Told ya so!" I chuckled when I realized he was making the same sounds I was.

Before we left, we placed an order for a few pies to be delivered to my house. As we drove back to the hotel, my mouth was already anticipating the pies arrival.

 **A/N: Betty's Pies are like.. hella to die for! There is nothing like fall colors in Northern Minnesota!**

 **Will see you on Friday... until then.. would love to hear your thoughts!**

 **ENJOY!**


	53. Chapter 53

**A/N: I love that you're loving their vacation. Here is the last of it!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and to Sally for her magic beta pen. I tinker so mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The next morning, I felt a bit queasy, so much so that Edward had breakfast brought to our room so I could rest. By early afternoon, I felt better, and we made our way outside. The hotel was just a short walk from the canal and the maritime museum, so we decided to spend some time there before a ship was due to come in. I've always loved museums; they spoke to the learner in me. It was fascinating to learn about the different types of ships, the history of the lake, and the most famous shipwreck to ever happen.

But none of that compared to watching a huge freighter navigate its way through the canal. It was amazing how the ship was able to glide right into the harbor with just a few feet of space between the ship and the cement canal walls. I waved at the crewmembers who were on deck.

"Can you imagine being a guy on that boat? I bet half of them are gonna be looking for a way to get laid."

"Edward! Must you always be so crude?" I admonished.

He just shrugged. "Wanna play sailor and the village wench later?" He jumped out of the way of my hand. Laughing I chased him down the canal and back up to the spot we went to on our first night. When I finally caught Edward, I didn't care that he was kissing me stupid with dozens of people around. All that mattered was being with him and thinking nothing could be better than that moment.

 **A/N: If you look at the pics in my group, you'll see the 2 cement walls the ships have to navigate through..its quite impressive what they do. I decided that there will be an extra posting this week. You might also want to grab your drama survival kits... it MAY be needed. *whistles* See ya this weekend... leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	54. Chapter 54

**A/N: Ready for the week? I know I am. I just ask for a little trust and patience!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

A few days later, I was back at work, and the high of vacation had worn off. Most of that was due to feeling like shit ever since I got back. I felt tired, achy, and my stomach barely tolerated food. Edward wanted me to take today off as he was concerned with how pale I was. I waved off his concern. I didn't have many hours of sick time and didn't want to waste them on a little bug I could power on through. Jess hovered around me nervously, driving me more than a little batty.

"I'm fine, Jess, really." I subtly attempted to lean against a display as a wave of lightheadedness washed over me.

"You don't look it. You look like shit."

I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for that self-esteem boost." I pushed off the display and wobbled a bit as the world seemed to spin around me. Jess reached out to steady me.

"Seriously, Bella. You don't look well. Go home. It's dead; we can handle it." We stared at each other, both too stubborn to back down. "I'll go get Edward, and he'll make you go home."

I sighed; she was right. Slowly, I nodded my head. "Okay, fine, you win. I'll go." Jess let out a sigh of relief. She walked with me to the backroom as I collected my stuff.

"Do you feel okay to drive?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll call you later." With a quick wave, I was out the door and on my way home. I was awake long enough to strip out of my clothes before I succumbed to sleep. I woke briefly in the middle of the night when I heard Edward come into my room. He maneuvered me under the covers as I never made it that far. His warm arms encircled me, and I drifted off once more.

 **A/N: The line for the drama survival kits starts over there *points* There is enough to go around.**

 **I'll see you on Monday, until, let me see into your mind! Thanks!**

 **WVG**


	55. Chapter 55

**A/N: You're all screaming the same thing at Bella... I freaking love it!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The next morning, I woke with a sudden lurch. I barely managed to scramble to the bathroom before I hurled out my guts. That was how Edward found me, curled over the toilet with my eyes closed. I heard him shuffling around, and then moments later, a cool washcloth was pressed to the back of my neck. I moaned at the coolness.

"I'd ask how you're feeling, but I think it's obvious," quipped Edward.

I managed a weak laugh. "Can you get me some water? I think my stomach has settled."

"Sure." With a kiss to my damp forehead, he headed off to the kitchen. He returned with a large glass that I used to rinse my mouth. A teeth cleaning and a gargle of mouthwash later, I felt slightly human.

"Wanna Netflix and chill …"

I barked out a laugh, and Edward rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean, perv."

"I'm kidding. That sounds like a good idea."

We hunkered down on my couch; a warm fuzzy blanket covered us as we argued over what to watch. I eventually got my way by giving him puppy dog eyes, and we turned on _Friends_. It was a mindless show, which meant it left a little room for worrying that if I didn't feel better, I'd have to face my fears once more.

 **A/N: Could it be... maybe Bella is starting to get a clue?**

 **Next post will be Wednesday.. until... leave me your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	56. Chapter 56

**A/N: There are no words for how awesome you all are!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

A week later and I was feeling only slightly better. I wasn't throwing up all the time, and if I made myself go to bed early, I didn't feel like something the cat dragged in. I had a suspicion as to what was wrong- but was unwilling to do anything to confirm or deny. Living in denial seemed the best course of action.

Unfortunately, my well-meaning friends wouldn't leave well enough alone. I was eating lunch with Jess, and she was WebMDing my symptoms. She was trying to convince me that I had the swine flu when Tanya walked in.

"Hey, Tanya. Do you think Bella could have the swine flu?" Jess asked without looking up from her phone.

"Um, hey, and no, I don't. What are you doing?" She plopped down in a chair next to me.

"Jess thinks her Googling skills will solve all the world's problems, including what ails me." I nibbled on some cheese and saltines. Tanya laughed.

"Well, Bella doesn't need you to ask Google what's wrong; I can tell you. You're pregnant." Tanya's answer was so matter of fact that it took Jess and I by surprise. I could hear Jess typing away as I attempted to swallow the lump of food in my mouth.

"She's right," crowed Jess. "Look," she demanded as she turned her phone toward me.

I shook my head. "I'm not pregnant, okay!" I begin to put my lunch away, no longer feeling like eating.

"How do you know?" asks Tanya. "You and Edward go at it like bunnies."

I snort because it's true. "I know because he wraps it up, okay." I grew angry that they were pestering me.

"Condoms break, Bella. That was how Ross and Rachel ended up with Emma," chimed Jessica. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"My life isn't an NBC sitcom." Exasperated, I waved goodbye and headed back out to the floor of the store. I threw myself into work, trying to rid my head of their ridiculous ideas. I had taken a test; it was negative, end of story.

But my mind wouldn't shut up. It constantly argued that it had been a few weeks ago that I took the test, and I still hadn't gotten my period. By the time I was done with work, I was ready to pee on another stick just to shut up everyone- Tanya, Jess, even myself. I ran into the twenty-four hour Walgreens and bought several tests. I was ready to put an end to this pregnant nonsense, once and for all.

 **A/N: I know.. I know... horrible cliffy.. but remember without that extra post on Sunday... THIS chapter would've been on Friday! So hold onto your horses and your comfy blanket, we get test results on Friday. Until then... leave me love!**

 **WVG**


	57. Chapter 57

**A/N: Are you ready for it?**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Fear, deep seated and paralyzing, coursed through my blood. It stared wide-eyed and unblinking at the life changing items before me. Bile churned in my gut, my eyes blurry with unshed tears, as my mind whirled and raced. I wanted to scream with rage; I wanted to hide with sadness. But I was unable to give in to those impulses, as fear held me tight.

Three different sticks, all with the same read out, whether it was two lines or the mocking words of "pregnant". In a panic after the first one, I took the other two after chugging three huge glasses of water. It just couldn't be. My brain just couldn't comprehend how I was pregnant. I was so sure of the first test I took. Maybe it wasn't surety; it was most likely denial and avoidance. Either way, I clung to that "not pregnant" like a security blanket and waved it for all to see.

The world was playing a cruel joke on me. Or maybe this was how it was always going to end. As much fun as we were having, for as deeply as I loved Edward, maybe this was how our downfall was written. I knew he wasn't mine forever, but I wanted just a little longer with him.

Thoughts of keeping this from him flitted in my brain. As quickly as they came, they left. I couldn't deceive him, the betrayal of that would cut deeper than the knowledge that he was going to be a father. Although I knew neither would spare me his leaving. I toyed with abortion. I was a young woman who was just coasting in life. I had no purpose or sense of direction, and I felt ill equipped to be anyone's mother. My own mother wasn't a role model for outstanding parenting. As I contemplated all the options available to a woman in my position, there was just one thought I always came back to.

This was a piece of Edward and that was all that mattered.

 **A/N: I know.. there was never any doubt! To those who said they wouldn't continue reading if this was the result, I thank you for sticking around this long and for reading. To those of you who are willing to stick by me.. YOU ROCK! We have some bumpy roads ahead for these guys. I'd love to explain why the story is going in this direction, but I can't without giving away later details. I only ask that you trust me and give both Bella and Edward some patience.. they may surprise you. Not sure if there will be an extra chapter coming.. there are many mini-cliffies.. so.. hard to avoid them. Leave me your thoughts and I'll see ya soon!**

 **WVG**


	58. Chapter 58

**A/N: Fun fact.. I modeled Bella's pregnancy discovery after mine for my first. Period in July, none in Aug or Sept- none of the tests those months came up positive until early Oct! HEHE**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. Any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Two weeks later, I was lying on crinkly paper with a too big cloth gown covering my shivering frame. My arm still ached where the lab technician took several vials of blood as I waited for the doctor to come into the room. I knew the blood test would come back positive. In my obsessions to make sure what was happening was real, I had pretty much taken a test every other day. Each came out the same.

There was a soft knock at the door which was followed by the doctor. I had scoured the web looking for who I could go to. I didn't have a regular doctor; why did I need one, I was twenty-three and in relatively good health. However, if I was going to keep the baby, I was going to do this right. If there was one thing Renee taught me, it was how _not_ to be a parent. All the websites said to get into the doctor as soon as you suspect you were pregnant, so here I was. Terrified as hell.

When I ran across Dr. Rosalie McCarty's bio, I felt at ease. She had a warm, open smile, great experience, and she was a general practitioner. I liked that last part as it allowed her to be my doctor before and after the baby was born. Seemed like a good decision.

Her warm smile quelled the butterflies rioting in my stomach as she told me the blood test was positive. We talked about my wonky periods, and she scheduled me for an ultrasound in a week to try and pinpoint how far along I was. She kept up a friendly stream of chatter as she felt me up, both outside and inside my body. When she declared me fit, I felt proud, like I did at least one good thing for this kid.

Yet, none of that mattered the second she let me here the whooshing of the baby's heartbeat. It was so foreign, yet, it soothed me as if I had always known it. Tears fell uninvited down my face.

"Sounds perfect, Mom," Dr. McCarty commented with a warm pat to my arm.

 **A/N: Awww... decided that extra post will be on Wednesday. A prep yourself.. Friday may have a cliffie. *evil smirk***

 **Leave me love and I'll see you on Wednesday.**

 **WVG**


	59. Chapter 59

**A/N: Shoot.. sorry.. work got busy.. I wanted to post this much earlier. You'll still get a 2nd one today.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Another two weeks later found me pacing my apartment as I waited for Alice to arrive. Several times, I ran to the bathroom thinking I was going to vomit. I needed to talk to her about the baby. I needed her help in figuring out how in the hell I was going to tell Edward. He knew something was up. I was distracted, jumpy, and my libido had taken a nosedive. However, I needed to make sure there was no doubt, in his mind or mine, that I was pregnant.

The ultrasound pictures were tucked under a magazine on the coffee table. I wanted to be the one to tell Alice, not her accidentally finding the pictures. There was also a part of me- maybe it was my blossoming maternal instincts, which wanted to show them off. It was the kid's first picture, and while I could barely make out where the baby was, I knew it was there.

A knock on the door startled me. With a few deep breaths and a small internal pep talk, I opened the door to a smiling Alice. "Hey," she greeted me. I opened my mouth to say hey back, but all that came out were gut-wrenching sobs.

"Bella, what the hell is going on? Are you okay?" She pushed us back into the apartment and shut the door. "Talk to me, girl."

I tried to quiet down, to stifle the crying long enough to tell her. But it was useless. "I … I'm … p-p-pregnant. Ed-Ed-Edward will … h-hate m-m-me!"

"Oh fuck!" was her only reply.

 **A/N: Yes... yes... she is stalling telling Edward... but do ya blame her? She will tell him.. I promise! I'll drop the rest of Bella and Alice's conversation later tonight. Leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	60. Chapter 60

**A/N: Here is part 2.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic red pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

She moved us to the couch, where, in her arms, I bawled like a baby. All my pent up emotions came pouring out. I'd refused to give in to the hysterics that simmered just below the surface. I felt the need to be strong, to prove I could do this. Yet, seeing Alice made everything all too real, and there was no way I could contain it any longer.

Eventually, my sobs quieted down to small hiccups, and I was able to face Alice. Before I lost my nerve, I told her everything. How I had been feeling, what prompted the first test, then all the other tests, and ended with showing her the ultrasound pictures.

"They think I'm about nine to ten weeks pregnant. They'll do another ultrasound in a few months to get a better gauge on how far along I am. Right now, they have my due date in early June." I paused; guilt fell heavy on my heart. "I need to tell Edward; there's no doubt about it. He deserves to know. But I don't know how to do it, Alice. I know he'll freak. He'll leave me. Not because he doesn't care, but because he'll be too worried that he'll turn out to be just like his dad."

Facing Alice, I implored her to understand. "But I know he's nothing like that bastard. He's sweet and loving and kind. He couldn't hurt me or the baby. I know it, Alice. I know this deep down in my bones he will be an amazing dad. He just doesn't see it. So how do I tell him his worst fears have come to life?"

Alice hugged me close. "I know that, you know that, he just can't see that, Bella." Her face turned serious and I knew what she was going to say. There's only one thing you can do. You tell him the truth and hope for the best."

 **A/N: Aww.. Alice..a woman of few words, but they do count. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. On Friday is what you've been waiting for! EEEK! Leave me love!**

 **WVG**


	61. Chapter 61

**A/N: It's FRIDAY! Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen magic. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"I'm pregnant." The words floated in the air, oppressive and stifling. My eyes were glued to Edward's face, watching the emotions play across his face. His eyes, unseeing, stared at some point over my head while his whole body was frozen.

I didn't mean to blurt it out like that. I had all sorts of words in my head, but when he walked into my apartment a few days after I told Alice, nerves got the better of me, and it was out before I understood what I was doing. But now that they were out, other words tumbled out. They came fast and furious, as if I'd die if I didn't say them.

"I know you're scared, Edward. I am too. But I have no doubt you'll be a great father. You're nothing like _him_ , Edward. You couldn't hurt me if you tried, and I know you wouldn't hurt the baby." I dared to touch him; my hand rested on his arm that hung limply at his side.

His eyes found mine and worry etched in his features. His mouth was a thin line, his brows so furrowed, they made his eyes nothing more than slits.

"It'll be okay, Edward. Neither of us had the best parental role models. But that just means we know what not to do."

He tried to talk; his mouth moved, but there were no words. The worry I saw was replaced with terror. His eyes were wild, and his body vibrated. "How?" he eventually croaked out.

I shrugged. "Not sure. A broken condom?" A sliver of fear crept up my spine at the thought what he's really asking was if it was his. As hurtful as it was that he could be thinking that, it was a reasonable response as he grappled with my bombshell. "It's yours, Edward. You know there's no one else for me. I love you." My voice was soft. He gave a terse nod. I breathed out a tiny sigh of relief. But it was short lived.

"I … I … it's just …. Fuck, Bella!" He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I just can't do this."

My heart dropped as he walked out the door.

 **A/N: Don't hate on me! We all had an inkling he would react this way. Good new, he's not pulling a NM this time. Let me know what you think.. I'm dying to know!**

 **Also, a reminder that I'm donating 2 pieces to the Babies at the Border compilation. There are over 100 authors (many coming out of retirement) writing as well several published fandom authors donating their books for a raffle. Search FB for Babies at the Border for more information. It going to be epic!**

 **See ya Monday!**

 **WVG**


	62. Chapter 62

**A/N: WOW! The reactions from the last chapter... floored me. Let's see how Bella is faring!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine, I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

How I kept myself from running after him, I'll never know. Somehow, I resisted the urge. I'd prepared myself for this exact reaction. I had a few weeks to wrap my brain around the idea, and I still felt panicked. To expect Edward to be excited about this was a fool's idea. His fear of being like his father was too ingrained. He needed time to work things out for himself.

That didn't mean I wasn't worried about him. I texted Alice a few minutes after he left. Her reply was simple but conveyed it all. _I'm sorry, B._ I loved that she didn't try to placate me with pointless reassurances. She knew better than most just how freaked out he'd be by this information. She was also straddling the line between being my friend and supporting Edward. They were family after all.

I indulged in a few tears and gave in to the fear that Edward was going to be gone for good. But after a few moments, I wiped them away and forced myself to keep going. Everything was in Edward's court. I could only take care of myself and pray that Edward would come around. So, I cleaned my apartment, did some reading on where I was in this stage of my pregnancy, and did a few loads of laundry.

When I'd finally crawled into bed, my body was exhausted, but my mind was going a million miles a minute. It circled around to Edward so many times that I was making myself dizzy. I tried to fall asleep, but it was elusive. Edward's fearful face danced behind my closed eyelids. I was contemplating getting up and making myself some hot milk when my phone vibrated. Snatching it up, I breathed a sigh of relief as I read it. _He's here. I'll watch over him._ Alice's words were welcomed beyond relief. A small smile turned up my lips as sleep made my eyes heavy.

 **A/N: See... Bella understood his reaction and he's with Alice. This is a busy week for me, so not sure there will be an extra chapter. but if the opportunity comes, I'll take it. Until then, would love to hear your thoughts and I'll see you on Wednesday for sure!**

 **WVG**


	63. Chapter 63

**A/N: I LOVE how you're ALL rallying around Bella... warms my little author heart.**

 **So much love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. I tinker, so mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

It's amazing how I was able to act as normal as I did in the days after Edward walked out of my apartment. Outwardly, I smiled and laughed at my co-workers jokes. I was helpful to customers and able to act as if my heart wasn't in my throat. Inwardly, my brain always had a track on Edward. I wondered where he was, how he was doing, and most importantly, if I would ever see him again. I replayed my words and worried that I said too much or too little. I had yet to hear from Alice again, and that was fine by me. I loved the idea that Edward had her. He needed her more than I did.

Nighttime was the worst. I was alone, and it was harder to fight the panic that clawed at me. Thoughts of raising the baby by myself swirled around, and suddenly, all bravado I thought I had evaporated. More than a few times, my brain wished I could call my dad. He always had a way of making the big, scary things seem manageable. In one real low moment, I wondered if I should call Renee. The thought left as soon as it came. She would do nothing but bemoan how I fucked up my life.

So I did the best I could. I smiled when I needed to. I took care of myself, eating and sleeping because I knew I had to think of the baby. I even gave in to the impulse to drive by the auto shop, hoping for a glimpse of Edward. I tried to quell the disappointment when I saw he wasn't there.

When five days had passed, I couldn't hold back the need to text Edward. I just needed to reach out to him. I needed him to know I was still here. So I let my heart speak for me.

 _I love you. Please come back._

 **A/N: Aww... Bella is showing that she's human after all... Let me know your thoughts..**

 **See ya Friday... I think you're gonna like it! *winks***

 **WVG**


	64. Chapter 64

**A/N: You make me smile! Let's see if I can make you smile.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and the wonderful Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

It was a rainy fall day, and I was trying my hardest to get into my building with my umbrella and a few Target bags. My focus was on my feet, watching for any puddles, trying desperately to keep my feet dry. So, it was no surprise that I didn't see who was sitting in the lobby, until I'd almost passed them.

"Hey, Bella." His voice washed over me, and I closed my eyes in sweet surrender. Turning around, I watched as he unfolded his frame from the floor. Silently, he took the bags from me. His eyes were watching me just as I was watching him. Aware that we weren't in the best place to talk, I gave him a small smile and nodded toward the stairs. Relief that I invited him up relaxed his tense body.

My whole body was more than mindful that he was trailing behind me. Not caring if he saw, I peeked back a few times, smiling every time. He held the door open to my apartment and helped me with my coat and dripping umbrella. When there was nothing left to occupy his hands, he jammed them into his jeans and rocked on his heels.

Needing to ease his anxiety, I touched his arm, smiling when he finally looked at me. "Why don't you make yourself comfy while I get out of these damp clothes? I think I have a few beers in the fridge, so help yourself." With one last squeeze of his arm, I made myself walk to my room.

I was digging in my drawer, looking for a pair of flannel pants, when I finally heard Edward move from the entryway to the living room. I couldn't hear if he grabbed a beer as music filled the apartment. When I was finally dressed, I paused at my closed door. My forehead rested on it, my eyes closed as I worked to calm my furious heart. Whatever happened tonight, I had a feeling nothing would ever be the same.

 **A/N: He's back! I know... some of ya are gonna hate on him. Can I just ask for time and patience? Edward is a complex man, just give him a chance. I know I promised an extra chapter and I hope to deliver that this weekend!**

 **Until then, leave me your thoughts.**

 **WVG**


	65. Chapter 65

**A/N: Bonus chappie! Real quick to some GR's.. if you're gonna ask questions.. log in so I can answer. To the one GR who asked about the beer- it's left over and can be used for her guests. Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta work. I tinker so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

He was seated on my couch, knee bouncing a mile a minute while his hands picked at the label on the bottle of beer. I couldn't read the air around him to get a sense of what was coming my way. So with one last deep breath, I walked over to him. When he raised his head to look at me, there was so much fear in his eyes. It killed me to see him so scared, so I did the first thing that popped into my head.

Taking the bottle out of his hands, I placed it on the end table and pushed him so his back hit the couch. I placed my knees so I was straddling him, looking him right in the eyes. My hands went to his and moved them to my hips and then mine went to twine behind his neck. I stroked the fine hairs there, hoping to infuse him with some calm.

When his eyes finally closed, and he let out a stuttering breath, I brought my forehead to his. "Whatever you need to say, it's okay, Edward. There's nothing you could do that would make me love you less."

"I'm scared I'm going to fuck up, Bella. I don't want to be like my old man, ya know? But he always said I had his temper, and that scares the fuck outta me."

Tears fell from my eyes and dripped onto his chin. "I know you're scared, baby. But I know you'd never hurt me or the baby. I trust you. I love you."

"Love you too, Bella, so fucking much. I want to stay, but I just don't know if I can. But I want to try."

"It will all work out, Edward. I got you."

Maybe I shouldn't have glossed over his fears so quickly. But my heart just heard he would stay. I could be strong for the both of us until he realized he was as strong as I always knew he was.

 **A/N: Hmm.. so, is she being a bit naive or does she get it? Things to ponder over the weekend. I'll see you Monday!**

 **WVG**

 **P.S. I dropped a waaaaay future teaser in my FB group- check it out!**


	66. Chapter 66

**A/N: Ohh goodness! So sorry for the late update. Monday FF was down and yesterday I was gone most of the day and when I got home I crashed. There will be 2 posts today to make up for it.**

 **Love to my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

For a short time after that night, I worked hard to make things look normal. Problem was I didn't feel normal. The air held a heavy weight of expectation that I couldn't dispel. It probably didn't help that I walked on eggshells around Edward and never mentioned the baby. It was for him that I tried to keep life as if nothing had changed.

We managed to get in a ride a few days later, and I wrapped myself just as tight around him. I loved him just as hard and let him brand himself on my skin late into the nights. I wasn't ashamed of being pregnant with his kid; I was more worried that at any moment Edward's fear would be louder than my words and he'd bolt. So there was a sword of destruction hanging over us, and I had no idea if there was a way to get rid of it.

Two weeks later found me smoothing my sweater as I climbed out of my car. Edward had invited me to dinner with his aunt and uncle. I wasn't nervous to meet them; I just didn't know if they knew about the baby, and I was too chicken to ask Edward. As I walked up the sidewalk, Edward slipped his hand into mine, and the worry vanished.

"They'll love you, Bells." I smiled and hoped he wouldn't see my true fear. I should've known he knew me just as well as I knew him. "They, um, know about …" His voice trailed off as his eyes flicked down to my stomach.

"Cool," I replied as calmly as I could. I squeezed his hand, and we walked to the front door together.

 **A/N: Aww.. poor Bella is feeling jittery. I can't wait for you all to meet his Aunt and Uncle! See ya later today!**

 **WVG**


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N: OMG... FF must hate me! It wouldn't let me post! Again, sorry! Love you guys! Half of you are like Edward is trying, the other half is like... guuurrl... Bella needs to take care of herself. But you ALL want to meet his fam!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta wand. I tinker so mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

His aunt and uncle were nothing like I had pictured. However, they were just as awesome as I had heard. Esme radiated peace and love. She was how you would picture a pastor's wife. It was the smattering of ink on her body that had me floored. She didn't have much, but it was more than I would've imagined.

If Esme was a surprise, Carlisle was a walking contradiction. I had pictured him as thin and willowy. Instead, he was tall and barrel-chested. He looked as if he had done nothing but manual labor his whole life instead of standing behind a pulpit. It was when he rolled up his dress shirtsleeves that I spied his arms full of tats.

Alice chuckled next to me when she caught me staring. "Dad loves to shock people with his ink."

"Sorry, didn't mean to stare, I just …" I didn't want to finish my sentence, as my preconceived notions seemed stupid now.

Alice just laughed harder, and that was the scene that Esme walked into as she carried a tray of after-dinner coffee. Without saying a word, Alice managed to convey what was so funny, to which Esme smiled and patted my arm.

"It happens all the time. He's trying to show off." I finally laughed with them and accepted a steaming cup of java.

"How are you feeling, Bella," Esme asked with real concern.

Purely out of habit, I looked to make sure Edward was out of earshot. "Fine; no real morning sickness, more like mild queasiness. I'm more tired than anything." I rubbed my stomach, wishing there was a little bump there.

"Are you excited for the baby?" There was an undercurrent to her rather simple question.

My reply was just as loaded. "I am, for sure, but of course, there are things that worry me." My eyes never left Edward as he stood talking to Carlisle.

 **A/N: Aww... I just LOVE this Esme and Carlisle. And did ya all catch it... Alice is Edward's cousin! We will have some more family time on Friday. Today I'm taking my daughter and her friend to our state fair (its one of THE best ones in the US) and they are going to a concert there while I eat more fried foods and stuff on a stick (like maple bacon) than I care to admit. Leave me love! See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	68. Chapter 68

**A/N: It makes me smile that you all love my Carlisle and Esme. The fair was so good. Kid had a blast at the concert and I ate too much at the fair!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. I tinker so mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Half an hour later, Edward was gathering my coat as I was saying goodbye. Carlisle engulfed me in a tight warm hug that made me think of my dad, and I had to blink back a few tears. He kissed my forehead as he whispered a simple request. "Don't worry too much, it'll be okay." I smiled and nodded at him.

Esme hugged me tight as well, but when she pulled back, her warm green eyes peered deep into my heart. "Don't coddle him, Bella. He needs to deal with what's going on, and when you avoid it, it just makes it easier for him to ignore it. That baby is a reason to celebrate, and you need to enjoy this pregnancy."

The tears I held at bay hugging Carlisle fell in tiny rivers down my face.

"I'm scared, Esme." Even though she was practically a stranger, she had that mothering presence I was sorely lacking. "I'm sorry to say that; I shouldn't dump my stuff on you." There was more I wanted to say, instead, I sighed, deeply.

Esme waved her hand and rolled her eyes. "I'm here for you if you ever need it. But what I said is true. Edward needs to confront his fears. I'd like to say it will all work out, but I know how stubborn he is, and he just won't let the ghost of his dad rot in hell. With all that, I see how you love him, and you need to keep loving him. If there was ever anything that could help Edward, it's being loved."

As I walked out of their house, my soul felt lighter and freer. Esme was right. I couldn't ignore the baby. It was our reality, and we both needed to deal with it.

 **A/N: Seems like Esme had the words Bella needed to hear. Would love to read your words.**

 **See ya on Monday!**

 **WVG**


	69. Chapter 69

**A/N: OMG... I'm soooo bad! I've such a hectic few days that posting just slipped my mind. To make up for it, I'll post a chapter a day for the rest of the week!**

 **Thanks to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"Are you serious, Bella?" I tried to ignore the sharpness of his tone. His eyes were wide with fear, and I knew that was the only reason he was so short with me. But then, I couldn't blame him. He was standing in front of the baby section at Target.

I had taken Esme's words to heart. Yet, at that moment, I felt nothing but guilt. I knew what it felt like to be ignored by a parent, and I refused to do that any longer to my child. It wasn't planned, but that didn't mean it wasn't loved. So I talked about the baby when I wanted and didn't hold back anything. Unfortunately, Edward was nowhere around when this happened. Our schedules had been opposite since dinner with his family. That had changed on this little trip to Target.

He'd stopped over just as I was headed there and didn't mind tagging along. It also happened to be the day I'd planned to browse the baby aisle. I figured there was no time like the present to start preparing for the baby. However, before that could happen, I needed to talk Edward off the ledge he was on.

His face was pale, his eyes darting over the rows of clothes and diapers. His hands gripped the cart until his knuckles were white. My heart fell for him, but we could no longer disregard that we were both going to be parents. Looking around and seeing there wasn't anyone nearby, I stood by Edward.

"Yes, Edward, I'm serious. The baby needs stuff, and I figured it doesn't hurt to get an idea of what we need and start getting some stuff."

"Why now?" His words were bitter. In that moment, I realized how much of a disservice I had done by pretending as if the baby weren't real.

So, it was time to rip off the Band-Aid. "Because we can't pretend it doesn't exist. We're going to be parents, Edward, and we need to prepare for its arrival. We need to use these months to do all we can to get ready, and that starts with getting the stuff it will need." I rubbed my hand soothingly on his arm. "We can show it that it is loved and wanted by doing this. This is the first step- do the things a good parent does."

I let those words hang in the air. He needed to come to his own realization that being a good parent was a choice. He could be like his dad, but he could also make better choices and be the type of parent he wished his dad would've been. My eyes were glued to his face as he battled the voices and doubt in his head. For the millionth time, I wished I could hop into his brain and whisper the words he should listen to, not the negative ones that resided there.

If I weren't watching him, I would've missed the way his shoulders relaxed and the deep breath he took. What took me by surprise was the need in his eyes.

"I want to be a good dad, Bella. I just don't know how."

"We'll learn together. Let's start small and look at diapers."

His smile was weak, but I didn't care. "Do I have to change the shitty ones?"

I laughed. "Of course!"

 **A/N: Go Bella go! Again, so sorry for the delay. Leave me your thoughts and I'll see you tomorrow!**

 **WVG**


	70. Chapter 70

**A/N: I think there was a collective cheer of FINALLY after ast chapter! LOL**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her little red pen. I tinker, mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

After that trip to Target, Edward was like a new man. He no longer shied away from talking about the baby. He asked how I was doing and feeling. He would rub my still flat tummy and talk to it. In fact, he even went shopping on his own, and I couldn't get over the beaming smile he had as he showed me all the motorcycle-themed onesies he ordered. I was so proud of Edward and how hard he was trying to do the right thing.

Due to his change in demeanor, I decided it was time to bring up the one topic I'd been dying to ask him about. Of course, I wouldn't be me if I didn't bring it up after we'd made love. He was curled around my body, his hands splayed across my belly. My fingers traced invisible patterns on his arms.

"So, I was thinking about something and wanted to get your input." I bit my lip, grateful that I couldn't see his face.

"Shoot," was his relaxed reply.

"Do you have any ideas for names?" I held my breath, praying this wasn't going to freak him out. It wasn't fair of me to still have the fear. Even funnier was Edward, who had also stopped breathing.

"You want my input on the name?" There was so much hope and awe in his voice, it made me cry. Which wasn't hard; I cried easily these days- damned hormones.

"Of course, baby. In fact, I'm okay with the baby being a Masen, if you want."

His arms tightened around me. "I would love it!"

We spent the next few hours throwing out names and ideas. When sleep finally claimed us, we were both sporting matching silly grins and our hands twined over my stomach.

 **A/N: Can I get an awwwwww? So.. he is really trying and seems to be doing good! Let me hear your thoughts and I'll see you tomorrow!**

 **WVG**


	71. Chapter 71

**A/N: You all cheered Edward's small steps! Made me happy!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine for tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"I'm stuffed, Esme. I don't think I could eat another bite." I rubbed my hands over my belly, bloated from too much of her delicious food. My thoughts drifted to when it would be bloated due to a growing baby. Esme beamed at me as she slid the pie plate over to Edward and Carlisle. I watched in awe as the boys piled their plates with pumpkin pie and mounds of whipped cream.

"How can they eat more?" I shook my head as Edward smirked at me. I laughed at him as I kissed off the smear of cream at the corner of his lips.

"Give them ten minutes; they'll be draped on the couch, moaning and groaning that they ate too much. Happens every year." She gave them both an affectionate smile and began cleaning up.

"Let me help." I stood up and helped Esme clear the table.

"You don't need to, Bella; go rest."

I waved off her concern. "I want to. One way I can say thanks for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal. I appreciate you inviting me." My voice trailed off.

She followed me into the kitchen, both of our hands full of dirty dishes. "Edward told me about your conversation with your mom. I'm so sorry she was less than excited about the baby."

I tried to smile, but it felt all wrong, so I shrugged instead. "It was expected. When my dad died, it messed with her. I get that." Again, I could only shrug. I was tired of how my mom made me feel.

In the blink of an eye, Esme wrapped me up in her arms. "No matter how old we are, we always want the love and support of our mother." I held her tight, relishing in the feel of her motherly embrace. Tears welled in my eyes, and my throat clogged with too many emotions to reply.

Pulling back slightly, she regarded me thoughtfully. "Good thing is you'll never do that to your little one." She kissed my cheek, and I vowed to be a better mom than mine.

 **A/N: I've said it before and I'll keep saying it- I love this Esme! I'd love one of her hugs! Love to hear your thoughts!**

 **See ya tomorrow!**

 **WVG**


	72. Chapter 72

**A/N: Makes me happy you love Esme like I do!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta love. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

After Thanksgiving, the days flew by. Being in retail during the Christmas season meant you were always busy. I worked as much as I could, trying to save money to prepare for when the baby was born. Edward was a giant worrywart, always asking me if I was okay, making sure I was eating and resting. He learned to give the best foot rubs after a long day of walking and standing.

We had our first full-fledged doctor's appointment. Edward cringed when he saw all the tubes of blood they were taking from me. I patted him on the knee and gave him a smile. He breathed a bit easier once we were shown into the exam room. When Dr. McCarty came in, it was my turn to be a little flustered.

My first appointment with her was to confirm the pregnancy and get me on pre-natal vitamins; this one was a whole different beast. I've never had to answer so many questions about my health history and bodily functions. Yet, in the end, it was all worth it as she held the heartbeat monitor to my tummy.

When the sweet swishing sound filled the room, I was breathless. It was definitive proof that I was pregnant, growing a tiny person in my body. Simultaneously, I was filled with awe, fear, happiness, and worry. Looking over at Edward, tears filled my eyes. His mouth was open, eyes glued to the wand on my stomach. His hands tightened around mine. I understood what he was trying to say without words.

That sound, echoing in the room, made the situation real. We were parents to that heartbeat.

 **A/N: Awwww... I love that last line.. Leave me your thoughts. I'll see you on Monday!**

 **WVG**


	73. Chapter 73

**A/N: Thank you for all the support! You make me smile!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"What's wrong, baby?" Edward's alarmed voice rang in my ears. His beautiful eyes were wide with concern as they roved over my body, looking for the source of my tears.

Of course, that just sent me into another round of tears. Through sobs that were loud and obnoxious, I told him how I started to crave olives as I was watching Mr. Holland's Opus. Right as I got to the part where his students performed his song, I ran out of olives, and it was just too much for my pregnancy hormones.

"You're crying over olives and a movie?" His booming laugh as he slumped back onto my couch scared me. "Here I thought something was really wrong." He laughed so hard his face got red. Mine got red as well as I started to cry harder.

"You don't care," I blubbered. I rose from the couch and bolted into my room where I slammed the door. The click of the lock was loud as I made my way over to my bed. There I curled around a blanket and bawled my eyes out.

I heard Edward knock on the door a few times, begging me to let him in. I ignored him and eventually fell asleep. When I woke several hours later, there was a bouquet of peach carnations- my favorite flowers. A simple card rested against the base of the vase with Edward's messy message of, " _I'm sorry_ ". But that wasn't the end to Edward's apology. When I opened my fridge, I had an entire shelf filled with jars of green olives. As I reached for one, my eyes began to water.

Damn hormones.

 **A/N: Some parts of this may have happened to a certain witchy.. but I'm not saying anything more. Any weird food cravings out there? Leave me your thoughts and I'll see you on Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	74. Chapter 74

**A/N: I loved all the cravings you shared.. made me laugh!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"Merry Christmas, Bella," boomed Carlisle as he opened the door. I laughed as I looked at him. Even after all the times I've been around him, my mind always pictures him as a prim and proper pastor. That was dashed yet again when I read his ugly, but naughty, Christmas sweater. It showed a snowy scene with Santa standing next to one of his helpers with the words: When I think of you, I touch my elf.

"Really, Carlisle? You get your jollies off shocking me?" He laughed and stood aside to let me pass.

"Always, Bella. Let me help you with something." He grabbed for the bags of presents that were dangling from a few fingers as I balanced the two pies I was carrying.

"Thank you. Is Edward here? We came separately as he had to pick something up."

"He just called; he's on the way. Esme's in the kitchen with Alice. Why don't you take in the pies while I put these presents under the tree." I smiled and nodded at him.

Esme and Alice hugged me as I came in. I reveled in their exuberance. Of course, it lasted a hot minute when they saw how popped my belly was. I had hit nineteen weeks, and the bump was finally noticeable. I smiled as they cooed over the baby. Warmth settled over me. This was what Christmas was all about- family, joy, and love. Now, all I needed to make it perfect was the love of my life.

 **A/N: Awww... its Christmas time! I had a blast Googling naughter Christmas sweaters! Do you have any funny ones to share?**

 **Leave me love and I'll see you on Friday.**

 **Ohh.. a quick reminder we may be coming up on chapters that could be triggering, please contact me with any concerns. It will be different than what we've seen so far.**

 **WVG**


	75. Chapter 75

**A/N: Real quick: I received a high number of guest reviews last chapter, if you didn't get a reply that could be why. Please sign in so I can reply! You all seemed to love Carlisle's sweater.. I know I did.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her red pen. Any mistakes are mine cuz I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"Ohh, Edward, you didn't have to!" Wide eyed, I stared at the gift I unwrapped- a beautiful mother-child necklace. "It's perfect." Everyone around us cooed as he kissed me and helped with the necklace. I snuggled into his arms as we watched everyone around us open gifts.

"I forgot it at the shop," he whispered in my ear as Esme unwrapped earrings from Carlisle. "Sorry for the grease smudges." I turned my head to kiss his jaw.

"I love it," I murmured.

There wasn't an extraordinary number of gifts, just a few from each, but they were all deeply personal. Esme gave me two scrapbooks to document my pregnancy, and eventually, the baby. Alice got me and the baby a gift certificate to get pictures done, both before and after. Of course, everyone spoiled the baby; it was overwhelming. Esme and Carlisle bought the crib, which caused me to cry. Edward held me as I tried to quell the overactive hormones.

Later that evening as we were all relaxing after Esme's scrumptious meal and watching _White Christmas,_ I was snuggled up to Edward. I was feeling content and sleepy. It didn't help that he was lightly trailing his fingers up and down my back. I was drifting off when Edward kissed my cheek. "Merry Christmas, baby. Love you." I knew right then- everything was going to be okay.

 **A/N: Can you all breathe now? All he had to do was get a gift! Sounds like a perfect Christmas! My favorite Christmas gift was a pair of Ugg like boots.. sooo warm. What was your fave gift? I'll see you on Monday!**

 **WVG**


	76. Chapter 76

**A/N: Loved all of your favorite gifts! Thanks for sharing!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. I tinker so mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"I look like a beached whale, Alice!" Her laughter grated on my nerves. Didn't she see what I saw? She knew how badly I wanted to look good for Edward. We were going to Jess' New Year's Eve party, and I wanted to look hot. Or as hot as a pregnant woman could.

"You look gorgeous. Trust me! It's all the rage in maternity fashion to flaunt your bump. Plus, it's not _that_ huge!"

I rolled my eyes at her through the mirror as she teased my hair. "Like you know what's trending in maternity clothes."

"Okay, so maybe I don't. But I do know what makes you look good and what Edward likes, so just trust me, okay, Bella?"

I let out a reluctant sigh. "Fine." Alice laughed.

"Good girl. Now close your eyes. I'm gonna spray."

Ten minutes later, I was praising Alice's name as Edward's eyes roved over me. He couldn't decide where to focus his attention; on my suddenly larger pregnancy boobs that were framed in black lace, my ass that popped out enough to be spankable, or my round belly. Maybe he was captivated by the smoky eyes Alice gave me or the "come fuck me now" red lipstick I swiped on. Unable to decide, he pulled me close, his hands kneading my ass as his lips attacked mine.

"Do we have to go out?" he whispered between breathless kisses.

"Yes. But I promise you can take this dress off any way you want later."

We were so close I could feel his cock twitch at my words. His moan vibrated in my mouth, and I had to find the willpower to get us out the door and not horizontal on my bed.

 **A/N: Need to hose these two down! More party time on Wednesday! Until then, send me love!**

 **WVG**


	77. Chapter 77

**A/N: I should've sent a bucket of water to you all...overheated readers are not good! *giggles***

 **Love to my ladies- Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The party was a blast, and Edward was a hit among my coworkers. It was more than amusing to watch him blush and stammer a reply when he was hit on by Ben. When he blew Edward a kiss, I couldn't help it and laughed so hard that I started to cry. Edward was next to me in a flash, arms caging me in.

"Not funny, Bella!" he hissed. The heat in his words were lost when his lips found my neck. Wordlessly, I arched my neck to the side, giving him more real estate to cover. He chuckled darkly when I shivered. He knew what his kisses did to me, especially on my neck.

"I'll make it up to you later," I promised.

"I'll make sure you pay up on all your promises." Anticipation and desire laced each word he spoke, and the groan was out before I could swallow it.

"Stop making out you horn-balls," quipped Jess. It was like ice water had been doused over us. We jumped apart as if we'd been caught by our parents. "It's a few minutes before midnight, and we're passing out the champagne. I brought you some apple juice, Bella."

She handed me a plastic champagne flute filled with golden liquid. "Now, get out there so you can count down with us."

She shooed us back into the living room and the crush of people. Edward was so sweet as he angled himself in front of me. I had already been bumped into more than a few times and was tired of being jostled. Finding a somewhat quiet corner of the room, we watched as Jess got the room assembled, and when seconds remained 'til midnight, she led us all in counting down.

We all yelled, "Happy New Year!" Edward spun me to face him. Instead of a kiss of deep passion, he kissed me sweetly, his lips nothing more than butterfly wings on my own. His hands held my face, so I was helpless to deepen the kiss. I wanted to devour him, make him feel how much I desperately loved him.

But this was _his_ kiss, _his_ passion, _his_ desire. Once I stopped fighting him, then I could feel what he was trying to convey. His slowness and deliberateness were all ways of him saying he loved and cherished me. The way his lips traveled across my cheeks, across my jaw, and down my neck screamed that he needed me. When our foreheads touched and all we did was breathe each other in, he was declaring that I was his life.

I couldn't think of a better way to start our new year.

 **A/N: Awwww... a new year for our couple has begun! Have you had any memorable New Years? Would to hear your thoughts on our couple! See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	78. Chapter 78

**A/N: Hey all! Sorry for posting so late... the day got away from me! I'm still getting a lot of guest reviews..please sign in, I'd love to reply. To the GR asking how far along Bella is.. she is about 20-ish weeks, due end of May/early June.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering!**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Defeat was laid bare before me, and I was waving my white flag of surrender. How anyone who didn't have a Ph. D in crib assembly could put a crib together was beyond me. I'd been trying for the last hour to get the stupid thing put together, but all I managed was the base. I was trying not to cry. I hated being one of those super hormonal pregnant ladies who cried at the drop of a hat. But seriously, what kind of parent was I if I couldn't put together a stupid crib?

So it was no surprise that when Edward made it over to my place after work, he found me crying and yelling at the instructions that were looking more and more like Greek than English. I tried to explain with words what was wrong, but all that came out where high pitched cries and garbled words between hiccups. I waved the instruction sheet over the mess in front of me and then slumped into his arms.

So much for not being hormonal.

To Edward's credit, he didn't laugh or tell me I was crying over nothing. He learned that after the olive fiasco. Instead, he just lifted me off the floor and into the bathroom. With tenderness I knew he only showed to me, he started the bath, stripped me of my clothes, and helped me into the steaming pile of bubbles.

"You relax and I'll tackle the mess in the living room, okay baby?" I nodded, and he turned on the radio that was sitting on the counter before kissing me on the forehead.

I was mellowing out to Adele when I heard the first "Fuck!" come from the living room. It was followed but a few other muffled curses before another F-bomb came flying out. I stifled my laughter at Edward also losing to the crib. Sinking deep into the tub, I smiled. No longer did I feel like I was failing at crib assembly.

 **A/N: Crib assembly is like IKEA assembly.. I just dont get it! My hubs is a master IKEA assembler... I just supervise!**

 **Next week things may or may not get intense... again.. if there are triggering issues you may have.. please let me know and I'll tell you if we'll face them. Until, Monday... leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	79. Chapter 79

**A/N: You all make me smile!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Who ever said that Valentine's Day was for going out to dinner never ate Chinese naked with a man like Edward. I had texted Edward earlier in the day that I was craving Chinese. So, like a good daddy-to-be, he brought over enough Chinese food to feed an army. He had all my faves: chicken lo mein, pork fried rice, cream cheese wontons, dumplings, and spring rolls.

We made a picnic in my room as 80s' cheesy movies played in the background. It was then that I realized how good Edward was with chopsticks. Not only could he feed me noodles with them, but he was dexterous enough to pinch my nipple with them. It was hard at times to figure out what I wanted more- another spring roll or to ride Edward until he screamed. Let's say it was pregnant girl rules that allowed me to do both at the same time. No judging!

It was the perfect way to spend the holiday. There were no mushy cards or flowers that would die in a few days. No need to get overly sentimental. We did what we always did- showed how much we loved each other with kisses and lovemaking. It was laughing when he licked a line of sweet and sour sauce off my belly. There were the noodles I threw at him when he wouldn't stop tickling my feet.

Then there was the best moment of all. Edward finally got to feel the baby kick. It had gotten good at only doing it when I was alone. So when Edward was lying on my chest, absent-mindedly rubbing my stomach, and the baby kicked, he bolted up and stared at where he felt the movement.

"Was that a kick? Did the baby kick?" He placed his hand back on my stomach.

"It was!" In silence, we waited for another kick. When it came just a few moments later, Edward could only stare.

"Pretty cool, huh?" I asked him.

His only reply was to kiss my stomach.

 **A/N: Awww... so much fun! Can't wait to hear your thoughts!**

 **Hmm... what is that sound? Where did this other shoe come from?**

 **See ya Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	80. Chapter 80

**A/N: The fandom lost a wonderful soul and I lost a dear reader and friend-Judyblue95. I dedicate the rest of this story in her honor. Be at peace dear friend.**

 **Do you all have your drama kits handy? Its time to dust them off and strap in.. its gonna be a bumpy ride.**

 **Love to my pre-readers Dawn and Carmen and Sally for her beta magic. They rock and I tinker- so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

There are days girls never forget. For some it's prom, the first kiss from the boy you liked, maybe it's your dream job, or so many other options. For me, it was St. Patrick's Day. Not because of some silly parade, or a drunk-ass dude making a fool of himself. No, this day would forever be etched into my psyche as one, giant shitstorm.

Edward and I decided to go out with Alice and Jasper. Since I was so big, or at least felt like it, we opted for something not as crazy, so we ended up at a pool hall in Maplewood. It was surprisingly chill there. Which made sense, as most people partied at several of the Irish-themed bars in St. Paul. So, we had no problem finding a table in the back corner.

For the first few hours, everything was cool. Jasper and Edward laughed at Alice's and my lame-ass attempt to play pool. We girls watched them play games that were filled with crazy shots and a few trick ones. I cheered Edward on as he was challenged by a guy at the table next to us. When he won $200, he kissed me and stuffed it down my bra.

Toward the end of the night, Alice and I were goofing on a table while we waited for Edward and Jasper to come back inside they'd gone out for a quick joint. Edward thought he was being sneaky about it, but I saw him flash it at Jasper.

"I need another drink. Do you want some more water, Bella?" Alice held up her empty beer bottle and gestured toward the bar.

"That would be great. Thanks," I replied. To this day, I wondered if I'd paid more attention to my surroundings instead of working on a few shots would the night have gone differently.

"Hey, baby, you alone?" The words were slurred and rough, not at all like Edward's smooth timber.

I glanced up to see a guy leaning up against the other end of the table. Not wanting to encourage him, I looked back down at the table. "Nope, I'm not." Trying to show my disinterest, I shot the cue ball. Of course, I missed, which amused the stranger.

"I can teach you how to play, baby."

"Not interested." Just then, Alice came over. She raised her brow at the dude, and I just rolled my eyes. She handed me my water and stayed standing next to me. At seeing this and my rather pregnant stomach, stranger guy's eyes bugged out.

"You dykes?" He leered at us both. "No biggie if you're are. I can still do you, baby. Don't need to worry about getting you knocked up; you already are. I bet I can change your mind about pussy. Mike's got the better equipment." He grabbed his junk, and I couldn't contain my laughter.

"Fuck off," yelled Alice as she angled herself in front of me. "Get lost, loser."

"Get outta the way, shrimp." He started to head our way when our saviors appeared.

"Make one more step, asshole, and you'll regret it."

That was all it took for hell to break loose.

 **A/N: Awwww... snap! What do you think will happen next?**

 **Because I'm nice..there will be an extra chapter this weekend.**

 **Until then...**

 **WVG**


	81. Chapter 81

**A/N: Everyone strapped in? Good... cuz here comes the ride!**

 **Love to my ladies Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen love. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

What happened next was a giant blur. Edward, all glassy-eyed and agitated, confronting Mike. Mike being too drunk to realize he was out-gunned and out-manned. Mike asking Edward why he cared about a bunch of lesbos, and Edward warning one last time to get lost. Mike must have felt indestructible as he threw a punch toward Edward and missed.

Then someone must have lunged for someone. I wasn't sure who did as Alice kept moving me out of the way of trouble. But then there were grunts, punches, and insults being hurled. Jasper tried to break it up but got pushed out of the way by another guy I assumed was Mike's buddy. Alice and I were yelling at the guys, and I never felt so helpless.

The bouncer, seeing the fight, rushed over, breaking through the crowd that had formed around us. However, he was just one guy against four. Panic spiked through me as I tried to keep my eye on Edward. The bouncer managed to get Mike's friend out of the fray, then pushed Jasper out. Alice yelled his name, and he went over to her.

Giving in to my anxiety, I inched closer to where Edward and Mike were locked together. Blood trickled down Edward's face, and all I could think of was getting to him. It clouded my judgement. The bouncer managed to lock up Mike, leaving Edward alone, chest heaving, eyes wild.

I placed my hand on Edward's back. He whirled and his hand shot out around my neck and squeezed hard.

"Edward! NO!" screamed Alice.

It lasted just a heartbeat or two, then he realized it was me and let go. It didn't matter, the damage had been done. I gasped for air as Edward was dragged out by another bouncer who had finally come to help. His wide, wild eyes never left me.

"Take her home, Alice," ordered Jasper. Without waiting for her to comply, he ran after Edward.

I resisted the best I could, but Alice won, and she pulled me out a side door and gently pushed me into the car. Tears leaked as my mind replayed Edward's horrified expression.

"Alice, he ... he'll never forgive himself," I sobbed.

Silently, Alice reached over to grasp my hand. Nothing more was said the whole way home.

 **A/N: Aww.. snap! Bonus chapter coming tomorrow, until then, I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

 ***dives into bunker***

 **WVG**


	82. Chapter 82

**A/N: After reading the reviews... I just want to send out a huge evil laugh... I am sooo bad!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine, cuz I tinker.**

 **Enjoy... *evil cackle***

BPOV

Alice helped me once we got to my place. She got me in the shower and then, afterward, redressed and tucked me into bed. The red marks around my throat were a visual representation of how fucked up the night had gotten. I couldn't stop staring at them.

Several times, I begged Alice to let me call Edward. Each time, she told me he was with Jasper and that the police had been called. She sat with me on my bed, her hands running through my hair.

"Go to sleep, Bella. We'll figure everything else out in the morning." I didn't want to listen, but I did.

A few hours later, I felt the bed dip, and the familiar weight and scent of Edward surrounded me. There were no words; he just gathered me in his arms. Knowing he was safe and with me was all I needed to go back to sleep.

When I woke, sun streamed through my window, bathing the room in warmth and light. I stretched, moving muscles that had been tightly wound all night long. It took my sleepy brain a few minutes to figure out something wasn't quite right. A few more to turn over to see the other side of the bed was empty and cold.

My heart stopped as I spotted a folded piece of paper. For several long and agonizing minutes, I just stared at it. Everything in me was frozen. I knew there would be nothing good written on it. I knew it like I knew the sun always rises. I was spared from reading it when my phone rang. Needing anything to delay the inevitable, I answered without looking at who was calling.

"Yeah," I croaked. My eyes were still glued to the paper.

"Bella, it's Alice." It was the breaking of her voice that tore my eyes away from the paper and focus on what she was saying. It was hard to understand, but all I needed to hear were two words, "Edward" and "gone". The phone dropped from my hand as I reached over to the folder paper. There, I was greeted with two more words.

 _I'm sorry._

 **A/N: Yeah... he's NM'ing fo shizzle... Keep your hands and feet inside the roller coaster at all times... Spare drama kits are over to the right, support group to the left.**

 **See you Monday and I can't wait to hear your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	83. Chapter 83

**A/N: Ready to keep going? Keep your hands and feet inside the coaster at all times.**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her red pen and adding commas. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

The other shoe had dropped, just as I had predicted all those months ago. As much as I had deluded myself into believing that Edward was mine, he never was. He always had one foot out the door, and we all ignored it. The only thing I got wrong was how badly it hurt. It was as if I had been sucker-punched. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't move. I couldn't even cry. I was numb. The only thing keeping me sane enough to resemble being a functioning human was the tiny one kicking away inside of me.

Jess, Alice, and even Esme kept popping in, checking in on me. Jess would bring me to work; Alice would hang out with me. But Esme was my saving grace. She kept me fed and would bring me to my doctor appointments. It was all a blur as I came to grips with the idea that Edward had left. Like a thief in the night, he stole my heart, my love, and my life.

The break in the dam of my emotions came over a month after he had disappeared. No one knew where he was. I heard Alice whispering to Jasper about the fact that he packed a few bags and just left. My note was the only one he left. There was a part of me that cherished that knowledge, that he chose me as the one person he'd say something to. But it was all bittersweet.

I was in my room, cleaning out space in my closet for a dresser I had bought the baby. I reached blindly toward the corner for a pile of crap. Most of it was old bags, but among everything was an old shirt. As I shook it out, my breath caught. It was one of Edward's. Without thinking, I pulled it close to my nose, inhaling the scent I missed so much. That was all it took for tears to stream down my face. Esme found me, hysterically crying, as I held his shirt close. In her arms, I yelled, cursed, mourned, and let go of everything I had held back. When it was over, she wiped my eyes and reminded me of what I had left worth fighting for in this world. She caressed my belly.

"This is the most important thing for you, Bella."

She was right. It was all I had of Edward, and I was going to hold on to it with all I had.

 **A/N: Awww... poor Bella... Don't be fooled peeps... the ride is just getting started. Will see you on Wednesday.. until then.. leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	84. Chapter 84

**A/N: The fact you guys are sticking with this story and me.. makes me happy. My mad reasonings for all I do will have a pay off.. eventually!**

 **Love to my ladies Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Miss Sally for her magic beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

To most people, I looked as if I snapped out of the funk I was in. Outwardly, they were correct. I smiled, laughed; I was normal. But inside, when I was alone, that's when I would feel the pain. That was when I would give in to the loneliness. I tried to be strong; most days, I was. But there were times when a sight, smell, or sound made me think of Edward. So, I did what I could; I got up each morning, continued to breathe, and put one foot in front of the other.

It was late April when it didn't hurt so much to think of Edward. My belly was huge, and I was down to my last month. Esme and Alice were godsends to me. They brought me into their family, never made me feel like an interloper. Strangely, throughout all this, I grew closer to Carlisle. In a lot of little ways, he reminded me of my dad. When we girls couldn't figure out how to put the playpen together, Carlisle came, not only to help, but with food. His gentle demeanor grounded me, and he never let me forget just how strong I was.

So, it was nothing new when, as I was leaving the Cullen's house one Sunday evening, Carlisle pulled me into hug. I sank into it, relishing the strength in someone else for once. When we finally pulled back, Carlisle's clear blue eyes were on mine. They were kind, but intent.

"Remember, we're always here for you, Bella. You're a Cullen. We love you, baby girl." With that, he kissed my forehead. Relief washed over me. I reached up to kiss his cheek.

"Love ya, too."

 **A/N: For the reader who wanted fluff... here's as much fluff as I can give ya for now. Would love to hear your thoughts. Until then, see ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	85. Chapter 85

**A/N: Are you ready?**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and telling me I'm not crazy and Sally for adding all the commas I lose. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

I woke with a start and pain. It was pitch dark in my room, and my belly was painfully tight. I ran my hand over it, wondering what was going on when I felt wetness.

"What the …?" Flipping on a light, I looked down to see my sheets were all wet. Another cramp-like feeling had me crying out. "Shit, I'm in labor."

With Edward gone, I had to rethink how I was going to get to the hospital. If it was during the day, I had any number of people to pick from. I never considered a middle of the night arrival. Trying my best to breathe like they taught in class, I cleaned myself up and got re-dressed. I called a cab and gathered the hospital bag that had been packed and ready to go for the last month. Slowly, I made it down to wait for the cab. When it came, the driver helped me into the back. He stated he had helped his wife give birth to three kids, and as he drove, he reminded me to breathe through each contraction.

When I got to the hospital, he walked me in to make sure I was going to be okay. It wasn't until I was being wheeled up to maternity that I realized I never paid him. All that was forgotten as the contractions kept up their steady pace. In my room, I was fussed over by nurses as they got me gowned up and the fetal monitor on me. A quick exam found me already at five centimeters.

"We've paged Dr. McCarty; she should be here soon," said the lone nurse who remained after getting me settled. "Try and rest."

I nodded. I wasn't sure if I could rest, but I closed my eyes and sent up a prayer to the heavens that Edward was okay and wishing he were here with me.

 **A/N: Welp... she is in labor. I know... it's a cliffie... but... it was the lesser of two evils to end here. I'll see ya Monday with 4 chapters! Would love to hear your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	86. Chapter 86

**A/N: Ok.. I need to clarify- there will be 4 chapters THIS WEEK not today! BUT there will be 2 chapters today. Sorry for the confusion.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and protect me.. and Sally for waving her magic beta wand. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"Bella, you need to push harder." Dr. McCarty's voice was firm but gentle. She knew how exhausted I was. The last five centimeters took close to 12 hours to happen. When I could finally push, I wrongly assumed it would only take a few pushes. Oh, hell no. Little peanut was holding on for all they were worth. I was going on hour two of pushing.

"I can't, Doc," I whined.

"You can. I can see the head, so you're close."

So I pushed and pushed and pushed. When I felt the head come out, I yelled. So did Dr. McCarty.

"Stop pushing, Bella. Something's wrong." I watched helplessly as there was a flurry of action near the doctor. When minutes passed and no one was saying anything, I lashed out.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"The cord is wrapped tightly around the neck."

I stared with wide-eyed horror at the doctor, who was focused intently on what was going between my legs.

"Call the NICU; get them down here! Stat!" A nurse scurried to do Dr. McCarty's bidding as she continued doing whatever she was doing.

"Push now, Bella. We need to get the baby out!"

With superhuman strength that I swear only pregnant women possess, I pushed hard, and in moments I felt the baby leave my body. Then I waited for a cry that never came.

 **A/N: *hides* I have a reason... one I will be able to tell you about soon. Until then, trust me that I have a mad plan. As for Bella calling someone.. they are there.. she just didn't want them in the delivery room. Let me know what you're thinking... but be nice... I still have one more chapter to post this week. See ya later!**

 **WVG**


	87. Chapter 87

**A/N: I'll see you at the bottom. Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **Hankies and comfy blankets are needed.**

BPOV

There were days I never remembered. They were sucked into one giant black hole of grief. Yet, it was odd the things I did remember. Thirteen hours and eleven minutes- the exact amount of time she lived, the sound of the heart monitor flat-lining, and the feel of the sun on my face when we buried her.

It was those around me who reminded me of the things I forgot- Esme holding me as I held her, Carlisle and his congregation as they supported me, Jasper holding me up at the cemetery. In the middle of the night, flashes of repressed memories flooded and caused nightmares where I woke screaming. The main nightmare was the doctor explaining the perfect storm of issues that prevented my little girl from surviving.

Those days were dark. Darker than when Edward left and never came back. I felt crushed by the pain, my insides were torn to shreds, and I longed to die. I begged Esme to make it stop, to end the never-ending crying, to help me stop hurting. As I raged and grieved, she held me, she took care of me, she mothered me. I survived only because I had Esme and Carlisle. Had they left me alone, I would've ended it. When I was discharged from the hospital, they took me to their house, no questions or discussion.

Each day, the sun rose, each day I reminded myself to breathe, and each day I took it minutes at a time. It was tedious; it was grueling. Yet, whenever I looked up, I was surrounded by people who loved me. Carlisle would take me on walks where he helped reassure me there was a special place for my new angel. Esme became the mother I longed to have, and when I called her that one dark, bleak night, we cried together. Alice provided me the perfect way to exorcise the rage I felt by making me do kickboxing in her garage.

The biggest help of all was Parents of Angels. It was a group of parents who, like me, lost a child shortly after birth. They also saved my life. As days merged into weeks and then moved to months, I healed. Those around me were never going to let me give up, so I fought, and I fought hard.

 **A/N: How we doing? I got plenty of kleenex and I'm here for hugs and cuddles. I have a reason for all... just let their story unfold. I'll see you on Wednesday... until then...let me hear your thoughts. xoxo**

 **WVG**


	88. Chapter 88

**A/N: I will say the last chapter surprised people.. including me. There were readers who never saw that coming and I never thought people would say that Edward doesn't deserve a HEA with Bella. All I can ask is that you give me a little trust and keep in mind, I have lots of story left to tell you.**

 **Love to my wonderful team of ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta skills. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"How? How do I?" The unfinished but completely understandable question hung in the air. Meetings like these were the worst, when someone new joined and shared their story and their pain. As they talked, you felt all those emotions and memories stir, barely scabbed over wounds crack and ooze. We've all been there, asking the questions that have no answers or, at least, none that make it better.

So we share the reasons we forced ourselves out of bed. For some, it was that they had other kids, jobs, or, in my case, Esme told me I owed it to my little girl to live. It was the first clear memory I had when the fog started to lift. Esme had crawled into bed with me as she normally did. It was comforting to feel her arms around me when the sun rose. I never told her how much I looked forward to those moments. For one blessed moment, I could let go of the crushing weight on me and just be. We would lay there in silence. Sometimes, I would cry, or Esme would run her hands through my hair, but there was never talking, just her arms letting me know she was right there with me. One day she decided to tell me her story.

"I was the oldest of four. I grew up on a farm, so death was nothing new to me. When I was about eleven, my mom was pregnant, and she went into labor early. I wasn't scared. I'd seen the vet deliver animals all the time. I ran to Mrs. Hansen's house next door like my momma told me. To make a long story short, like yours, the baby didn't live long. It was the first time I saw her so sad. The reverend was over to talk to her, and I stopped to ask him how I could help her. You see, I was used to helping my mom and this was one time when I didn't know what to do."

Esme paused. The tension in her body telling me she was reliving that helpless feeling. It was a feeling I had become intimately acquainted. With a deep sigh, she continued her tale.

"What he said to me has stuck with me ever since. He said, 'Es, all you can do is love her. She needs to find her reason to get up. When you lose something you love so much, sometimes you need to shift your priorities.' It took me a while to understand what he meant. I'm telling you this so you know that you're loved so much, and you will find your reason. Until then, you wake each day because your little girl is watching, and she's rooting for you."

It took another few days, but one day, the sun rose, like it always did, and I got out of bed.

 **A/N: Before I am asked.. there is a reason I am not using the baby's name and stating why she passed.. that will come later... like I said, I have lots of story to tell. Here is what you can all expect coming up: Friday another chapter, Sunday you will get a little glimpse into my thought process and then next week 4 chapters! Until then, let me know what's on your mind.**

 **WVG**


	89. Chapter 89

**A/N: I have to say.. I love this chapter. Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and sticking by me and for Sally for finding all my lost commas. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

Traumatic events have a way of altering your life's course. For some, they never find a new path; they flounder and wander in darkness and pain. I was at that point once, swirling in a mess of grief and pain. It seemed never-ending. Then one night helped me see that there was another way, a better one.

It all started with a dream, which is nothing big, but it was a dream of my little girl. It was the first time where she wasn't a part of my nightmares. Instead, she was all light and love. She was older, maybe six or seven, with long hair that shone in the sun. Her eyes were hazel, a perfect blend of her father and me. At first, there were no words spoken; we just hugged and cuddled. The searing pain in my heart eased, and I could take painless deep breaths.

We stayed cuddled up for a long while until there was a shift in the air. I knew instinctively what it meant, and I held on tighter. My sweet angel giggled, and then kissed me on my cheek.

"It's ok, mommy. I love you."

"I love you too, baby."

"You got to go, Mommy. They let me see you so you wouldn't be sad. They said you got lots of special stuff to do." She hugged me again and then whispered in my ear. "They said I had to be an angel for you and Daddy. I promise to do a good job."

In a gust of wind, she was gone, leaving behind a faint flowery scent. When I woke, I would swear up and down that my room was filled with that same flowery smell. It was the first morning where I didn't need to give myself a pep talk to get up. I took a shower, and I cleaned. For lack of a better word, I felt normal, and it seemed like it had been forever since I felt that way.

Later that day, as I was exiting the building where Parents of Angels was meeting, I felt the same familiar gust of air. I was passing by a community bulletin board, and a fluttering of paper caught my eye. I started to read it- it was about some college program, seeing nothing that caught my eye, I shrugged. I was turning to leave when I swear I heard giggling, and then the familiar scent of flowers. The paper I had been reading fluttered again.

Looking up at the ceiling, I sighed. Glancing around me and seeing no one, I reached over and pulled the flyer from the board. "Message received, baby."

 **A/N: I've had one of these types of dreams.. not for a child, but for my grandpa, a few days after he passed. It was surreal. I'll be back on Sunday with a little sneak peek/Q &A type of chapter. If you have story questions... let me know.. I'll answer all that I can. Until then... let me see into your mind!**

 **WVG**


	90. Author Note

Hello my dear readers!

Since its morning here- *sets out tea and coffee* Come sit and let's have a little chat!

First let me reassure you this is not an author note to say story is going on hiatus.. hell no.. I got tooo many chapters stockpiled for that. No, this is a chance to let you inside my head and maybe answer some questions you may have about the story so far and what's to come.

This whole story started because on ride on the bus to work, Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift came up in iTunes and instantly scenes began to play in my head. I hit repeat and for the next dozen or so replays, a story started to form. At first it was around the question, why would a girl get with a guy and stay with him if she thought it wasn't going to last? That was how my Bella came to be. An average girl, with some grief and upheaval in her life. Enough chaos to make her crave normalcy and stability. So much so, that she tried to do the "normal" things, pick out a school and go to college. When that didn't work, she settled into this "normal" life of work, friends, home. It was safe, it was predictable, which was what she wanted after Renee dragged her all over the place.

Next came the question of, what kind of guy would she be drawn to and yet still give her the feeling that things weren't going to last. Edward was born in a vague abstract. As I wrote the first dozen chapters and Bella was trying to figure out Edward, so was I. The more I thought about him, the more his backstory kept coming to me. As I fleshed him out, the type of story, the way I wanted to tell it and what was going to happen planned itself in my head.

So who is my Edward (yeah, I know, some of you are too pissed to care, but indulge me) he's a bit rough, but deep down he's a good guy. He's had a traumatic life and because of that, he's restless. He's searching for something he doesn't quite understand, but plagued by a past he's desperately trying to outrun. It was that dichotomy that drew Bella to him. A guy who looks like he's be comfortable in the middle of a biker gang, but with a soft and gooey center.

I decided to tell this story in drabbles, short and sweet chapters that got to the crux of what was going on. I also wanted to try my hand at laying small nuggets of information here and there, and doling out information not as exposition, but as a part of the story, and I was going for a sense of realism. In my mind, Bella's need for stability was going to color how she viewed and acted, just as Edward's traumatic past colored his. I also realized that many stories that have done this type of situation, start years after the baby died and works it way back, I wanted to put the readers right in the middle of it, to in essence be another character in the story. You know only what the character knows and so you're on this ride with them.

Which is why you will now hear from Edward. I know sooo many of you are pissed at him, and many do not want him to get a HEA. I find that shocking,but then as a wonderful reader pointed out, you don't know what I know. Because no longer was this as story of why a girl would stay with a guy when she knew the relationship was doomed, but more how these 2 imperfect people whose lives intersected and they found love, deal with the consequences of that love; the bad and the good. It was about how they grew up and away from the pasts they were both trying to outrun and figure out who they were meant to be. We've heard from Bella, it's now time that we hear from Edward. I ask that you keep an open mind, please, and give him a shot at redemption.

I'll see you later today.

Love always,

WitchyVampireGirl


	91. Chapter 90

**A/N: We ready for EPOV? Thank you for all your sweet words to my author note.. you guys rock my world!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic beta wand. I tinker, so all mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY**

EPOV

Pain. It's the first thought I had. It was everywhere. There was nothing that didn't hurt. Air, being … it was all pain.

Blackness. That was the second thing I noticed. It was comforting and weightless.

Both confusing, only one which provided relief. So, I slipped back to the blackness.

Pain. It was still there. An ever-present stink that covered me. Luckily for me, I still had my old friend the blackness. When the pain was too much, which seemed all the time, I let myself slip away.

Eventually I became aware of the cycle I was in. Pain, blackness, rinse and repeat. That was when other things reached my brain; undecipherable sounds, smells that lingered. There was little recognition of what was around me, not when there was pain. I hated that each time I felt it, there was no sense of it lessening. Just mindfulness that it was ever-present. It's why the blackness was so comforting.

 **A/N: Yeah.. I know it's short, but I promise they will get longer. This is the first of 4 chapters this week. See ya on Monday. Until then, would love to hear your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	92. Chapter 91

**A/N: Answers... or some of them are coming!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine due to tinkering.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Edward? Can you hear me? If you can, squeeze my finger."

The words were familiar as was the command, but I lost the ability to figure out how to do it. It was confusing. I tried to talk, but all I heard was a groan. Why expend all this energy when it was so much easier to slip away? So that's what I did.

The next time I heard the words, there was pressure on some part of my body. Which part, I had no clue. I was disconnected from my own body. There was pain and tingles, I felt heavy and weightless. I had no control.

The pain, still clinging to me like a cheap suit, made thinking hard. Still, I tried to comply. I just couldn't figure out how to get my brain to connect to the rest of my body.

"Good!"

The shout of joy took me by surprise. Had I done it? I had no feeling of it. There was a buzz in the energy around me. Then there were more words and I tried to focus on them.

"You're in the hospital …"

 _What?_

"… badly hurt … broken … tree …"

The words drifted off as the blackness took me once more.

 **A/N: *giggles* So we know where he is... Can't wait to hear what you think and I'll see you on Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	93. Chapter 92

**A/N: I LOVE all the theories you have! They make me smile! Love to my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Miss Sally for her magic beta wand. I tinker, any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Over and over the voices spoke to me. Memories of what they were saying alluded me. I just always seemed to be hearing them. Pain was still present, but muted. No longer did I feel as if my body were floating in pieces, which I had no control over. Sensations came to me regularly: heavy head, itchy arm, tingly foot, and once, my teeth ground over a stick. It probably wasn't a stick, but I haven't a clue.

It was weird how disjointed everything felt. While I could feel parts of my body, I couldn't control them if you paid me. Sounds and smells floated over me, but as I recognized them, they were gone, and I was left empty handed to make sense of anything that was happening around me. It was frustrating and exhausting.

So I floated somewhere between awareness and the blackness. It was so much simpler there. There was no pain, no frustration. Just silence, calmness. Of course, like all good things, nothing lasts forever.

 **A/N: I know.. it's short and a cliffie! But I promise that Friday's chapter will have answers! Would love to hear your thoughts!**

 **If you received the BatB compilation.. I would love to hear your thoughts on the pieces I donated!**

 **WVG**


	94. Chapter 93

**A/N: Yes.. I know... you ALL want to know the timeline. Unfortunately that won't be answered here, but I promise next week's chapters will give some answers!**

 **Love to my ladies Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and standing by Edward and Sally for beta love. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"On the count of three, I want you to blow and blow hard. We're going to remove your tube. Don't try to talk after; your throat will be too dry. Drink water and just take it easy."

I glared at Dr. Lewis. We'd been over this already, and I just wanted to get the fucking tube out. My death glare did nothing but make him laugh. The nurse removed the tape that kept the tube in place, and I winced as a few layers of skin went with it.

Someone said three, I blew and tried not to scream as the tube was pulled from my throat. Tears leaked from eyes. My throat felt like it was on fire and I tried to swallow but I had nothing to temper the pain until the nurse shoved a straw under my nose. Cool water rushed down, hurting and easing at the same time.

"Not so much, Edward. Your stomach can only take so much right now." I groaned when she took it away. "If you're good, you'll get some broth later." She winked and busied herself with cleaning up after the tube removal.

When she left, I looked outside, the sun was shining through the window. With nothing to do but sit in that damned bed, my thoughts turned dark. I didn't want to think about how I got where I was, but it had been rolling around in my mind ever since I fully awoke. I didn't remember much of the accident that landed me in the hospital, just that I struck a tree at a high rate of speed. The broken arm, leg, several ribs, and punctured lung I suffered were all the memories I needed to have. I just wished it would've erased all that came before.

 **A/N: Dun.. dun... duuuunnnnn... hehe... He's awake and breathing on his own! YAY! Still uncertain if there will be any extra chapters next week. Next post for sure on Monday, until then, I'd love to hear your thoughts.**

 **WVG**


	95. Chapter 94

**A/N: SURPRISE! Decided there would be 4 chapters this week and the extra one would be today! Ok, so we start to get a feel on the timeline of when Edward's accident happened. As a reminder, these chapters are all flashbacks.**

 **Love to my ladies Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic beta wand. All mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENOY!**

EPOV

My bloody knuckles rested over the swell of her stomach. It was a dichotomous sight. Good and evil. Light and dark. Angel and demon. Rage boiled in my blood, still. It felt good; I felt alive. Some primal part of me wanted to go hunt the fucker down from the pool hall and kill him. He dared to look at, to touch what was mine. Scrubbing my face with my free hand, I sighed. If I did that, there would be no coming back. Yet, seeing that bump resting under my hand, I never felt more unworthy and tainted. Even worse, there was this sense of dirtiness that hung in the air over the bed. If I stayed much longer, it was going to cling to Bella. I was going to drag her and the baby down.

So I did what I always did. I left. I scribbled some bullshit note, drank in the sight of her, and walked out the door. As I drove away, my dad's words played in my head. I was good for nothing. I was just like him. I was a piece of shit. What I did at the pool hall, what I was doing, it was the definitive proof that he was right. So, I kept on driving.

I rationalized that the one good decent thing I did was to save Bella from dealing with my bullshit. That she and the baby would be better off without having to wonder when I'd go off the rails. Some guy would swoop in and take care of her, and she'd be glad. When the second bottle of Jack was done, I was even imagining that she would be grateful to me.

The next night, at some party, it took a bottle of vodka and some pills to numb the pain and convince myself my kid didn't need a worthless father. It took another bottle and even more pills to dull the craving for Bella's lips to a persistent gnaw at the pit of my dead heart.

Three days later, I woke, not knowing where I was or why there was a bottle blonde sucking my cock like a lollipop. I kicked her off me, hating the sounds she was making. It was time to get the fuck out of wherever I was.

 **A/N: Yeah... I know.. I know... he's being a dick... Posting will be Mon, Wed and Friday's post will be delayed until Saturday as I'll be out of town. Let me know your thoughts and I'll see you tomorrow.**

 **WVG**


	96. Chapter 95

**A/N: WOW... the intensity of the reviews kinda surprised... as well as those who swear Edward is a man whore.. not sure where ya'll got that... if it wasn't obvious.. the blonde held no appeal to him.. Anyways... his days are gonna get darker.. but next week he'll find a light, so can ya hang on until then?**

 **Love to my ladies for always having my back: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Reality became nothing more than a haze. It came and went in cycles of lucidity and numbness. When I would "come to" it would take several minutes, if not hours, for me to figure out where I was and how I got there. One hot, muggy summer night, I awoke in some dingy hotel in Wisconsin Dells. I had no memory of how I got there or who was in the shower that I could hear running. What I did see were empty bottles of booze, pill containers, and baggies filled with more than just weed. Already feeling as if I would crawl out of my skin, I swiped what drugs I could and bolted out the door, relieved when I saw my car was right outside the door. I drove with no destination in sight, but when the shakes and thoughts became so tormenting that I could hardly drive, I pulled over, used what I swiped, and welcomed the sweet relief from it all.

That cycle became my friend. When drugs ran out, I would find some "friends" who would be nice enough to let me party with them. Sometimes, I worked odd jobs long enough to get some food, gas, and whatever relief I could find on a dark corner.

In some deep, rational part of my brain, I knew I was on the path to self-destruction, but I couldn't stay sober long enough to deal. Sober moments meant thinking about Bella, which would lead to thoughts of guilt and pain and self-loathing. I was weak and a coward, so it was easier to drink all the bullshit away.

Haze. Lucidity. Pain. Relief.

Rinse and repeat.

 **A/N: Before ya get all up in arms about "someone in the shower" doesn't mean it was a girl, doesn't even mean there was a person in it... All these chapters are showing is a side of him Bella never knew... a side he hid, the fact that he's an addict and all he really cares right now is about getting high. He's not dealing with his demons well and all he wants is to numb the feelings. If you're still reading after this, next chapter is Wednesday. Let me know whats on your mind!**

 **WVG**


	97. Chapter 96

**A/N: This is the last full flashback chapter, and its a heart wrenching one! Grab your blankies.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

You would think in a city as huge as Chicago, there would be far more safe places for me than not. In some ways, that was true. There were plenty of places where I've never been, much less haunted by the memory of my parents. The problem lied in the fact humans tended to meander where you felt the most comfortable. I had my neighborhood, the place where I grew up, and it was where I gravitated to. Maybe it was part of my issues, or maybe it was a normal reaction, but when I went to another part of Chicago, I felt like an imposter.

So I worked hard to avoid the places I knew I wasn't ready to see. Unfortunately, fate or maybe it was karma had other plans for me. I was doing some garage work for a guy I met and that meant I had a little extra cash for partying. Sobriety was hard, and it sucked. Thoughts of Bella and the baby were much harder to ignore when there was nothing to mute them. When the chance arose for me to do something, I jumped at it. If I only knew what would happen, maybe I would've thought twice.

The party was at a friend of a friend of a friend. I didn't care who was there, just that there were the right drugs to send me into oblivion. A few lines of coke and many joints later, I was numb and mellow, and it was perfect. Somehow, I ended up with a group of people who wanted food, and there was a diner close by. We stumbled our way there, ordered food, and ended up being a rowdy bunch who left our tables in shambles. Seeing as we were all high as fuck, no one could quite remember which direction we went and ended up walking in circles. Or at least, that was how it felt.

I don't remember when I became aware of where we were. To me, it seemed as if I were transported directly in front of my old house. I never even knew I was as close as I was. No matter how I got there, I was rooted to the sidewalk, my bleary eyes locked onto the one place I never wanted to see.

Echoes of words and memories came flooding back. Fights, screams, fists, and then finally all the blood that surrounded my mom. My dad's face, twisted in rage and sadness, yelling at me how worthless I was. My face burned as if he had slapped me again. Cries from my younger self as the cops pulled me away from my mom, the feeling of helplessness that I couldn't save her.

It was too much. Too many memories for me to contain and deal with. So when I found myself back at the party, I was clamoring for the sweet relief of nothingness. I didn't want to think, feel, or even be. I wanted to be anesthetized to the world around me.

 **A/N: Aww... poor Edward... we get a little more insight as to life with daddy dearest... Remember that Friday's post will be delayed to Saturday when I get back in town. Until then, would love to hear what you're thinking!**

 **WVG**


	98. Chapter 97

**A/N: I'm baaaaaack! Missed you all! To the GR asking about his bike- he left MN in March.. when there is still snow, so it's not unheard of for bikers to have cars for the winter.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta wand. All mistakes are mine, as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

The weeks that followed that party were a bit of a blur. I only have flashes of memories, and I'm uncertain how real they really were. I was willing to take anything to keep from feeling anything. Rage boiled in my blood at feeling so affected by the sight of my old house. I felt weak and pathetic, nothing more than a helpless fifteen-year-old. It all left a bitter taste in my mouth that only fueled my desire to wipe the memories and feelings from my body.

How I didn't die in those weeks, I'll never know. I was doing everything short of putting a gun to my head. Maybe that was how or why I was driving. Maybe the drugs weren't doing it, and I needed to physically escape once more. I may never know the reasons why. I vaguely remember leaving a party and getting into my car. I don't know where I was headed or why I was going nearly eighty-five before I lost control and hit the tree.

Both the police and doctors say I was lucky, that there was a guardian angel watching over me. I should've died. I think there was a part of me that wanted to. Death seemed easier than the guilt I could never get rid of. Question was, what did I do now?

Fate had the answer.

 **A/N: And the flashbacks are over and we're back to him being in the hospital! I can't wait for you to read next week's chapters! Not sure if I'll post an extra one or not... for certain the next chapter will be Monday! Let me know what you think.**

 **WVG**


	99. Chapter 98

**A/N: A few points of clarification- all the chapters last week were flashbacks, of his time after he left and how he ended up in the hospital. So he HAS NOT been released from the hospital and then ended up back in. Also, where are we in the timeline? His accident was a day after Bella's dream and that dream happened end of September. Hope this clears things up.**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta work. Any mistakes are mine as I like to tinker.**

 **Shall we see what fate has in store?**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Fate came in the form of a tiny, take-no-shit, hospital social worker named Jane Socorro. I met her once, shortly after I woke up. She was the one to tell me what the police were able to figure out about my accident. She was also the only person to look at me like I was human. There was no pity or detached aloofness like some of the doctors and nurses. Coming in with veins filled more with drugs than blood would do that.

"How's it going, Edward?" Her cheerful voice broke through my morose thoughts. Turning away from the window, I gave her a shrug.

She narrowed her eyes at me, seeing through my bullshit. "I see that Pulmonary is coming later today to start working on lung capacity. Has Ortho been by to talk to you about your leg?" Her eyes scanned my computerized chart.

"Yeah. Seems I fucked up my knee as well. They found shredded cartilage. They'll have to go in to repair it, but they need the swelling to go down some more."

She nodded as she glanced once more at notes made by the doctors and nurses.

"It will add to your recovery time." She logged out of the computer and sat down next to me. "But what I want to talk about is more long term. Once you're stable, you'll be transferred to a facility to work on physical rehab. I think you also need to consider drug rehab."

Those words hung in the air, thick and oppressive. Jane pinned me with her clear blue eyes. She was serious. I just laughed.

"I don't need that shit."

"Yes, you do, Edward. You had several drugs in your body when you got here, as well as alcohol. You wrapped your car around a tree. If you'd hit or killed someone, you'd have no choice in the matter. It would be rehab or jail. As it is you're being charged with DWI and reckless driving, and I'm certain a few other things." She paused as she gathered her thoughts, never once looking away from me. It was too intense for me, so I turned my head back to the window.

"Whatever is going on in your life, you're not handling it well. I've seen it before, Edward. Keep it up and you will die. Is that what you want? If you ask me, I don't think so. I think you're scared, and I think you're hurting. I know of some really good places where you could go."

I didn't say anything. I was a coward. So, I waited her out.

"Think about it. You've got some time before you need to decide." With that, she left, and I was once again left with my thoughts.

 **A/N: *claps* I love Jane and hope you will come to love her as well. So, she broached him going to rehab and she can see through his BS... NICE! I am thinking there will be just 3 chapters this week. Until I post on Wednesday, I'd love to know what you thought of Jane.**

 **WVG**


	100. Chapter 99

**A/N: So glad you all love Jane. I think that feeling will only grow.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta wand. Any mistakes are mine, I tinker.**

EPOV

Jane never pressured me about rehab. Instead, she became this annoying presence day to day. Mornings were spent with the pulmonary and respiratory departments. Who knew that breathing exercises could tire you out? When I would finally be wheeled into my room, I would crash hard and wake to see Jane with her lunch and mine waiting.

The first couple of days it was idle chitchat- How I was feeling, was I from Chicago, learning I loved motorcycles. I learned that she was engaged to be married and was setting her sights on a New Year's Eve wedding, but her mom was trying to talk her out of it. She was the youngest of five and only the second girl.

The next day when she brought me car and motorcycle magazines, I grew curious about her motives.

"Why are you spending all this time with me? I'm sure you've got work or something better to do other than hang out with me."

Jane regarded me thoughtfully, her head tilted as she looked at me. "I tend to think you're a very awesome person to hang out with, Edward. It's a pity you don't see your own worth."

Over the next few days, she asked me about my family. Not wanting to even think about my parents, I told her my parents were dead and that I had family in Minnesota that I lived with since I was fifteen.

"Do you want me to call them for you?"

Her question surprised me. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I bet they're worried about you, and we could all use a little support in our dark days."

I laughed at her. "My days aren't dark."

Jane just sighed. "They are; you've just forgotten what the light looks like."

 **A/N: *sighs* I love Jane! One more chapter this week on Friday. Until then, let me know what you think!**

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	101. Chapter 100

**A/N: Sorry for the late post, the day got away from me!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"I see knee surgery went well." There was no mistaking the happiness in her voice. "Did the surgeon say anything?"

"He said the tear wasn't as bad as he thought. He cleaned up the muscles and joints and said I should heal well."

"Awesome! You'll be up and riding in no time. I see you've come down with a little lung infection. How's your breathing?"

"It hurts, and I feel like I'm trying to breathe through water. Doc says the infection should go away after a course of antibiotics. He also said I really need to stop smoking, which sucks ass."

Jane patted my hand. "He's right. Smoking and lung trauma do not mix." She plopped down into the plastic chair next to my bed. She rummaged in her lunch bag as an aide brought my lunch in.

"What ya got," I ask as I lift the cover off my soup and sandwich.

"Salad. I had veggies I needed to use up." She shoveled a huge forkful into her mouth as she watched me drink my soup. We ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. "You got a girl?"

I froze. My sandwich was inches from my mouth when she dropped that question on me.

"Or a guy?"

"A guy?" I croaked out.

Jane shrugged. "I don't know your orientation, nor is it a big deal. I just wanted to know if you have a special person, girl, boy, or robot in your life." She smirked as she quietly ate her salad.

"Umm … no?" I replied. I hated how it came out like a question. I took a huge bite of my sandwich to delay answering any more of her questions.

The fucking smirk on her face never left. "Uh huh. Liar, liar, pants on fire. You're so in denial of your pain, Edward, that you're at risk of drowning in it."

 **A/N: Jane has the best one-liners! I am thinking there will be 4 chapters next week, just not sure when I'll get the extra one in. Until next time, I'd love to know what you're thinking!**

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	102. Chapter 101

**A/N: SURPRISE! Here is your extra post for the week. Also, a point of clarification, Edward didn't deny Bella, he just never answered Jane's question. He's still not sure what her motivation is.**

 **Love to my ladies Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen magic. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

 _You're so in denial of your pain, Edward, that you're at risk of drowning in it._

Those words rolled around in my head. I wanted to deny them, to dismiss them as nothing more than psychobabble from a social worker who didn't know shit about me. But I couldn't. Jane saw me, and she could see right through me. I was in this damn hospital because I was trying to run from everything- Bella, the baby, my parents, my past.

Even with all that insight, I was still nothing more than a prick. That night, I snapped at my nurse who took too long to get my pain pills. I yelled for the night nurse to get out of my room when she tried to check my vitals in the middle of the night. To add to matters, my dreams were filled with Bella, and I had nothing I could take or snort to make them stop.

I woke in the morning with a start and a nurse trying to calm me down. I'd been sweating, my gown was sticking to my body, and my heart was racing.

"Take some deep breaths, Edward. We need to get your heart rate down." She stood by my bed as I took huge gulps of air that made my lungs burn with the exertion.

"Fuck, that hurts," I growled.

"I bet it does," quipped Jane from the open door.

My eyes snapped to her. "Fuck you, Jane."

She just rolled her eyes and waltzed right into my room. Looking over at the monitors, she gave the nurse standing there a smirk. "He's a bit cranky, I see. How was his night?"

"He was restless, sweating, accelerated heart rate, and less than cooperative," recited the nurse.

"Way to be a tattletale," I mocked.

They both ignored me.

"Is he stable enough to head upstairs with me?"

"If you want, sure. Let me get an aide, and we can transfer him to a chair."

"Where in the hell are you taking me, Jane?"

Without looking at me, she replied, "I'm taking you to do some real work."

 **A/N: I think Edward's time is up.. Jane is gonna wipe the floor with him! *giggles* Where do you think she's taking him?**

 **I'll see you Monday. Let me know what you think!**

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	103. Chapter 102

**A/N: You guys seriously rock my world. Love you!**

 **Even more love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

We were both silent as she navigated the wheelchair through corridors and elevators. There was a part of me that wanted to demand she tell me what in the hell she was doing, but a bigger part was just tired of it all. I was tired of fighting, I was tired of hurting, and I was tired of just being. What was the point of it all?

"We're here," announced Jane. I looked up to see a bright room covered in windows. Comfy chairs and couches were scattered around, close to the windows. Plants and vases filled with colorful flowers were sprinkled around the room.

"What is this place?"

"We call it the sunroom, but I think the official name is like Meditative Solarium or something. Do you want to be parked next to a window?"

I nodded, and Jane maneuvered me and the chair to a set of windows where I could look out on downtown Chicago on one side and Lake Michigan on the other. Locking the wheels of my chair, she moved one of the comfy chairs close to me.

"Care to talk to me?"

I looked up at Jane, her body and face were neutral but open. There was no condemnation or pity, just an openness I wasn't sure how to deal with.

"What about?" I asked evasively.

All Jane did was cock her brow and smirk. I gave her an eye roll.

"It wasn't a big deal. So, I'm a little cranky. I'm healing from a horrific car accident. Can't I be cranky, or do I need to be little Miss Mary Sunshine all the time?"

Jane's laugh had me trying not to crack a smile. "Oh, Edward, I'm not stupid. I see much more than you know."

Now it was my turn to give her a bitch brow.

"It doesn't take a genius to see you're running from something. When you talk about your family, you're guarded and tense and don't mention anything about your parents, just your aunt and uncle. When I asked you about having a special person, you looked as if I had ripped out your heart."

Jane leaned forward, getting all up in my personal space. "I'd bet everything I own that you're not dealing well with your issues and self-medicating is your very stupid answer." She paused, watching me with her critical blue eyes. "Go head, tell me I'm wrong, Edward, and I'll leave you alone."

Her gaze was too much for me to handle; it was like she was rummaging around in my soul, finding all the dark secrets I've tried to forget. I had to look away.

"Why do you care?" I demanded.

"Because I wished someone would've helped my brother the way I'm trying to help you. Maybe if they did, he'd still be alive. I care because I don't want you to die, and I know you're much closer to death than to living."

 **A/N: Ahhh... look at Jane, dropping little truth bombs. *giggles* Leave me your thoughts and I'll see you on Wednesday.**

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	104. Chapter 103

**A/N: The love for Jane continues... deservedly so!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for adding all my missing commas. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 ****** Possible trigger and tissue warning*** ENJOY!**

EPOV

I could feel Jane's eyes on me as she spoke. Her words penetrated my psyche deeper than I wanted.

"Alec was ten years older than I was, but I idolized him. I was his little shadow. He never cared; he would often carry me on his shoulder, play with me, and in general, he was an awesome older brother. He suffered his first OD when he was seventeen. He swore to my parents it was an accident. A year later, he was back in the hospital; this time it was coke and heroin. My parents shipped him off to treatment. He lasted two weeks before he walked out. He didn't come home, instead he hung out with his 'friends'."

She pinned me with a scary glare. "These were the same 'friends' who dumped him at the hospital, seizing. Not one of them visited him in the hospital, but they were all too willing to pick him up outside rehab."

Her eyes peered into mine. I could feel them looking around the dark corners, laying bare all my horrible mistakes and transgressions.

"We heard from him from time to time. It killed my parents but devastated me. He promised me he would always be there for me. Two weeks after I turned nine, we got a call from the police. Alec was dead at nineteen. The autopsy showed a lethal cocktail of alcohol, speed, and heroin. Later, my parents learned he had been admitted to the hospital a few weeks earlier due to tweaking out on meth. No one tried to save him. No one stood in front of him and reminded him what he had to lose in life. No one told him that he was worthy of so much more."

My eyes clouded over. Worried she would see the effect her story had on me, I closed them. The truth of her words were too ugly for me to face.

"Edward, I guarantee that you have so much to lose if you stay on this path. You will die, and I refuse to let you do that to yourself. So, you have a few options. You can tell me to fuck off, and I will hound you until you leave and you can snort coke all you want until you eventually end up dead, or you can look me in the eye and say 'Help'. You just need to be honest with yourself."

With her story over, she sat back and looked out the windows. The silence that descended between us hung thick in the air. Being honest with myself wasn't easy. I'd been hiding from or pushing the truth away for so long that I wasn't sure what was the truth. The only real thing I knew was Bella. She was the one pure thing I had. She loved me for some insane reason, and I loved her. She wanted to be a family, and she was convinced we would do better than our own fucked-up parents. She had so much faith in us, in me, that for a while, she had me believing it.

Then there was the baby. I never admitted it to Bella, but I had a copy of the sonogram picture tucked away. I was terrified of being like my dad, so much that it paralyzed me. Yet, there were moments when I pulled it out, and I would wonder what it would look like. There were times I was looking forward to meeting the baby, excited even at the prospect. Then the nagging thoughts would invade, wiping away any good feelings.

"Is it possible for someone not to be like one of their parents, even if they were horrible?"

"You're your own person, Edward. No matter who your parents are, you're your own person. All you can do is learn from your life and make different, healthier choices."

I looked up at her, letting her see the tears that had formed, not just from her story, but from mine. "Help."

 **A/N: Is that a collective cheer I hear? She got through to him! Can't wait to hear your thoughts. I'll see you on Friday!**

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	105. Chapter 104

**A/N: I think the tide may be turning on Edward... but its very small.. unless you're Miss Bee... she's firmly on the fence.. and I love her for it! For all the readers wondering about Edward's sobriety when he finds out about the baby- don't worry... we've got a LONG time until he needs to deal with it.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for cheering me on and pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta skills. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

My one good knee bounced as I waited for Jane to speak. In an impressive word vomit, I spilled my story, every dark thing that happened with my dad, the light stuff with my mom before our world spun out of control, and how Bella was the best thing to ever happen to me. In hushed whispers, I told her about the baby and then about the night I ran from her.

When I was done, I was surprised how light I felt. The crushing weight of all my mistakes didn't seem so bad. It was still present, but no longer was it solely my burden to bear. As I revealed in my new sense of relief, Jane's hand stilled my knee.

"Thank you for sharing your story with me. I know how hard that can be. You've had hard moments in your life and made plenty of incorrect choices, but nothing I heard changes how I see you. In fact, it just reinforces what I think."

I looked up at her. There was no trace of deceit, just the openness I've come to expect. Staring in her eyes, I wordlessly asked her to tell me what she sees in me. For all I see when I look at my reflection is one colossal fuck up.

"I see a kind, loving person who's been adrift in fear and hurt for so long; you don't trust love and stability when it's been right in front of you. I see a man who is strong of heart, who wants to be loyal but doesn't have faith in the loyalty shown to you."

I barked out a teary laugh, her words causing the waterworks to flow once more. "All I see is one messed-up guy."

Jane squeezed my hand. "You're not messed up, Edward, you've just lost your way, and I want to help you find it. But before I do that, I want you to do something that will be scary and hard, but in the end, it will help."

"What?" I asked.

"I think you should call your family so they don't need to worry about you, and I'd love to see if they could come and support you."

My heart stopped, the thought of talking to my family flooded my body with panic. Sensing my anxiety, Jane began to rub soothing circles on the back of my hand.

"You're going to need all the support you can get, Edward. Rehab will be hard, harder than you can even imagine. Having family who you can rely on will increase your chances of recovery. I'll be right by your side as you call them. I'm not going to let you go through this alone."

With a shuddering breath, I nodded. She put the phone on speaker and dialed the number as I rattled it off. My hand shook as it rang. When Carlisle picked it up, all I could do was sob.

 **A/N: I know... a mini cliffie... but I could've ended the week on Edward's cry for help. Just sayin'. There will be 4 chapters next week. Not sure when the extra chappie will post... but hey.. ya'll getting 4 chapters! Can't wait to hear your thoughts!**

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	106. Chapter 105

**A/N: You amaze me. Thank you!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her awesome red pen work. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **Hankies may be needed. ENJOY!**

EPOV

Two days, later Jane was waiting in my room for my uncle to arrive. I was a mess. The call from a few days earlier was still too fresh and raw. Carlisle's compassion and love oozed over the phone, and I felt so dirty and unworthy of it. Thank goodness Jane took over for me when I couldn't find the words. Before she hung up, Carlisle asked if he could talk to me. I nodded and Jane told him I was listening.

"Thank you for calling me, Edward. I love you and always will. I will always be there for you. You may not be my biological son, but you're my son in every way."

"I love you, Uncle C," I sobbed.

"Love you too, Little E," replied Carlisle through his own sobs.

His plane landed forty-five minutes ago, and I was so anxious to see him that the riot of butterflies in my gut were going to make me vomit.

"Calm down, Edward. He's here to support you," reminded Jane.

I could only nod. I couldn't voice my darkest fears that one day he would decide he had enough of me and I wasn't worth the trouble I've caused him. He was more my father than my real one ever was, and I hated the idea that I was a disappointment to him.

I closed my eyes to calm my racing heart when I heard a door open and then a gasp.

"Oh, Edward!" exclaimed Carlisle as he rushed to my bedside. I could only stare at him as tears coursed down his cheeks. "We were so worried about you!" He clasped my one good hand, bent his head over it, and began praying.

His prayer was filled with thanks for my life and that I reached out to him. He asked for guidance and healing. My tears fell as I listened to his fervent prayer.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I… I… was so scared, Carlisle, that I ran."

He looked up at me, eyes that I never realized how much they resembled my mom's peered into my very soul. "Don't ever scare me like that, Edward. You're just as precious to Esme and me as Alice is. It would kill us to lose you." Then he wrapped me up as best as he could in his arms and together we cried.

 **A/N: Awww... *sniffles* Before you ask if Carlisle will tell him about Bella, let me say that this week will be a lot of Carlisle and Edward..so hold off on those questions until the end of the week. I'll see you on Monday, so leave me some stuff to read!**

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	107. Chapter 106

**A/N: I love my readers! You rock!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her wonderful red pen work. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

The next several days were a whirlwind. Through Jane's various connections, she was able to get a meeting between Carlisle and the city attorney. I was extremely fortunate that the only other casualties in my crash were a deer and a tree. Based on that and the fact I was already voluntarily going into rehab, they reduced my charges to reckless driving. I paid a simple fine, and there would be no DWI on my record.

Also with Jane's help, she was able to reserve me a spot in a physical rehab facility that was attached to a drug rehab facility. I would be able to work on building strength in my body as well work on getting sober. It was a daunting prospect, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I was terrified. Yet, when it came right down to it, I needed to do it. For me, for Bella, for our kid, for my family. I didn't want to end up like my father.

I had started some physical therapy in the hospital, building back the strength in my one good arm. I felt so weak when a simple ten-pound weight would tire me out after one set of reps. Carlisle was with me every step of the way. He shaved me when I couldn't manage it myself. He took me to the sunroom every day.

For the first time, I really talked to him about my mom and dad. I laid out every dark thought and fear I ever had. He was shocked at how bad it was for us at the end. He always knew my dad was a drunk, but he never knew how crazy paranoid he was. Together, we grieved over our shared losses. There was a sense of relief that he didn't blame me for his sister's death. Rationally, I always knew that, but there was a small part of me that was weighed down with guilt and shame that I always worried he did.

One afternoon, we were back up in the sunroom, it was a cloudy day, and there was a storm coming across the lake. We'd talked about everyone but the one person I wanted to hear about the most. I had tried several times to ask him how Bella and the baby were doing. I knew she was due in May, so if she had it on time, the baby would be about four months old by now. It was hard not to wonder what she had and what the baby looked like.

Carlisle was in the middle of a story about Jasper when his phone rang. When he pulled it out of his pocket, I saw Bella's name flash on the screen. Carlisle silenced it and continued with his story. Curiosity got the best of me.

"Will you ever talk about Bella?"

Carlisle's shoulders drooped, and the air around us grew heavy. "I can't, Edward. Anything you want to know about her, you need to ask her. I won't break her confidence in me." There was something in his eyes, a wariness that shocked me.

"Come on, Carlisle, can't you give me something small? Anything!" Looking up, I begged him with my eyes to give me any small nugget of information.

"No," he sighed and looked me dead in the eyes, "You lost that right when you walked out on her. This is one of many consequences of your actions." With that, he wheeled me back to my room in silence.

 **A/N: Uncle C with some truth bombs of his own! What ya think of that? I'll see you Wednesday! Leave me some love!**

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	108. Chapter 107

**A/N: I feel the love for Uncle C... it makes me smile.**

 **Love to my wonderful team of ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Lakewinds Rehab and Recovery Center was a huge complex nestled on the outskirts of Chicago. Carlisle rode with me in the medical transport van, and together we watched as the hustle and bustle of the city gave way to towering trees and lush greenery. I was surprised by the speed in which Jane was able to secure me a spot in the center. Although, there was a part of me that knew how much she wanted me to get the help I needed. So, it shouldn't have surprised me much that she made magic happen.

As we turned down a long driveway, I finally looked over at Carlisle. I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to acknowledge him. There was still a part of me that was hurt by his refusal to tell me anything about Bella. Logically, I understood where he was coming from, but I've been in a very illogical frame of mind. All I wanted was one morsel I could cling to, something I could attach hope to.

When I told this to Jane, she laughed and then took Carlisle's side. "You have to work back up to Bella, Edward. From the moment you step into Lakewinds, you need to be working for yourself, ON yourself. Only then can you focus on Bella."

"All I want is something that will let me know I have something to go back to," I retorted back, tired of her psychobabble.

"Your hope should be tied to the will to live. Baby steps, Edward, baby steps."

Meeting Carlisle's gaze, I quirked my brow at him.

"I want you to know how proud I am of you, Edward. I know this wasn't an easy choice for you, and I know you still have a long road ahead of you. Esme and I have faith in you, we love you, and I just wanted you to know we will support you in any way we can." He reached over and patted my one good knee.

"We love you, Edward."

It was hard to stay mad at Carlisle for too long, not when every word he spoke dripped with sincerity and openness. I gave him a smile and patted his hand.

"Thank you, Uncle C. I love you, too." I meant it, and I prayed he knew how much.

 **A/N: YAY! He's at the rehab place, which is entirely fictional. Would love to hear your thoughts. See you on Friday!**

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	109. Chapter 108

**A/N: One last chapter with Uncle C... at least for a bit.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

A few hours later, I had signed all the paperwork, which felt as if they were asking for lifelong servitude, been given a tour, and then finally wheeled to my room. It was a sparse room; a full bed, dresser, desk, and a bathroom big enough to accommodate my chair. I was in the physical rehab part of the center. As I healed, I would be moved over to the drug rehab side. With Carlisle's help, we were able to unpack my meager belongings. Earlier in the day, Carlisle went out and got me some clothes and toiletries to last until he could send some stuff from Minnesota. At minimum, I would be here three months, the longest could be up to a year.

Once I was settled, we met with my care team. There was Dr. Riley Biers, who would be overseeing my overall care, Bree, my physical therapist, Garrett, who was my individual therapist, and Marcus, who was my mentor- he was a recovering addict and graduate of Lakewinds. Together, they laid out the structure of my stay. Physical rehab would be in the morning. Until all breaks healed, it would primarily focus on building muscle tone in non-broken limbs and increased mobility. Afternoons would be drug rehab groups, classes, and individual therapy sessions. At least once a week, I would meet with Marcus. Of course, like any facility, there would be downtime and activities, but my focus was healing my body and working on maintaining sobriety.

They talked to Carlisle about family weekends and how important it was for me to have the support of my family. He, along with Esme, Alice, and Jasper, were put down as approved visitors and callers. I had started to put Bella down, but a look from Carlisle had me scratching out the B I had written.

When the meeting was done, Carlisle wheeled me back to my room so he could gather his coat to leave. He was heading back home and needed to catch his plane. We sat, looking at each other, lost in thoughts, uncertain what to say.

"Thank you," I finally blurted out. "For everything. I know coming down here was a hassle, but …," I paused, unable to find the words to convey the depth of how I felt. I knew my coming into his life, angry and scared, wasn't easy, but he never let me forget that he was always there for me.

"You don't have to thank me- I'd do it all over again if I had the choice." He paused, his eyes peering into mine. I felt as if I were being measured, and I wondered what he would see. Would he see my fear? Maybe he would see just how weak and lost I felt. I felt exposed. Instead of saying anything, he came over to me and hugged me, tight and comforting. I closed my eyes, relishing the feel. Just before he pulled away, he gave me the one thing I wanted.

"Work hard, Edward, we need you. Bella needs you." With that, he walked out, and I had a small glimmer of hope.

 **A/N: Awww... all the feels! To Bee who mentioned Garrett... *giggles* There he is. Edward is all checked in and ready to get down to work. So many of you had questions about Carlisle that it inspired me to write an outtake in his POV. If you have any ideas of other outtakes, let me know. Not sure if there will be an extra chapter next week, so I'll see ya on Monday! Let me know what you think!**

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	110. Chapter 109

**A/N: Ready for Edward in rehab?**

 **Love to my wonderful team of ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta work! Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

When you hear of rehab, it's always in the abstract. So and so is in rehab. Their words conveying pity and condemnation. When someone gets out of rehab, they never talk about. It's an unknown entity that is tiptoed around. What you never hear about is the work, the systematic breaking down of walls until you're left raw and exposed.

For me, that work started with physical rehab. Bree worked me to the point of exhaustion. I lost the cast a little more than two weeks after I arrived. The sight of my pale and skinny arm made me feel weak. So, when Bree handed me a five-pound weight, I scoffed at the minuscule weight. My scoffs turned to grunts of pain as I attempted to lift it over my head for the millionth time.

"Patience is needed, Edward. You can't jump right back to a twenty-five-pound weight until your arm can handle the smaller weights." I gave her a side eye, and she stuck her tongue out at me.

Therapy with her always ended with me flat on my back as she helped me with range of motion exercises for my one good leg and simple bends for my healing knee. I both loathed and loved it. The stretches felt good, but the lingering pain sucked. Once I entered Lakewinds, they cut me off from the good pain pills. All I could take was stuff like extra strength ibuprofen.

Being in pain left me feeling cranky. I hated the weakness of my body, the cravings I couldn't shake, and the relentless nitpicking of my life in group and therapy. I longed for just a few days of solitude. I wasn't ready to deal with shit. I knew I needed to, but I couldn't find the courage to open the doors to my dark past.

 **A/N: Ahh, Edward is finding out rehab isn't a ball of fun. Got a few fun announcements: In my FB group I'll be posting occasional teasers as well as songs that are part of my EPOV playlist. Come join if you're not part of the fun. See ya on Wednesday. Until then, what ya thinking?**

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	111. Chapter 110

**A/N: Thank you for being awesome readers!**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Damn bitch got on my nerves, man. She's always up in my shit! So I have a few so I can deal with her crazy ass! You all need to get off my back! Nothin' but a bunch of damn junkies." Paul, the new guy, ranted and raved about his wife, who he blamed not only for his drinking but the fact that he fucked her up pretty bad during a drunken rage.

Jake, our group therapy leader, listened to him with patience when all I wanted to do was smack him. I rolled my eyes as Jake tried to get him to admit that his drinking was getting out of control. Paul was having none of it. It was typical of the new residents who arrived at Lakewinds. They weren't quite willing to admit their life was out of control and that alcohol or drugs weren't helping. I had gotten to the point of admitting that I was using to avoid shit; I just wasn't ready to deal with my shit.

Yet, as I sat there and listened to Paul exclaim that his wife was asking for being backhanded for nagging him about his drinking, I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Why don't you just shut the fuck up, Paul. No matter what a woman does, you don't lay a hand on them. No one asks to be hit, and if they did, that person right now would be you. I'm so fucking tired of listening to you whine like a punk-ass bitch. Be a fucking man and own up to the fact that you're nothing more than a fucked-up drunk!"

I whirled on Jake, eyes blazing with anger that felt good to let out. "And you! Letting him go on and on about hitting his wife? That shit is just fucking wrong! You never lay a hand on them!" I pushed my chair away and stormed out of the room.

 **A/N: Ohhh seems a little nerve was touched upon in group. And we've met Jake... I will saw that I like my Jake.. and as Team Edward all the way... its a little weird to say it. Decided there will be an extra chapter on Saturday. Also, like promised, there was a future teaser posted in my FB group. Go check it out! Let me know whats on your mind and I'll see you on Friday.**

 **WVG**


	112. Chapter 111

**A/N: Shall we see what happened after he stormed away?**

 **Love to all my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"So, I heard there was a little blow up in group yesterday." Garrett's calm voice belied the interest flashing in his blue eyes.

I rolled mine at him. "I was tired of listening to that asswipe. All he was trying to do was show he's some big man, like there's a pissing contest to be won, and it was grating on my nerves. Nothing more or less than that."

"From what Jake told me, you seemed really upset at the idea that he had hurt his wife and didn't take responsibility for it. Did that hit a little too close to home?" His steel blue eyes pinned me, a brow arched, waiting to see what I would say.

I glared at him, not willing to give him anything. This was only the fourth time I'd met with Garrett. I had only recently moved to the rehab side now that casts were off, and PT was reduced to three times per week. I still had lots of muscle tone to gain back, but since I could do some exercises on my own, Bree thought it was time for me to move wings.

When I didn't say anything, Garrett continued as if I weren't there. "What did it remind you most of? Your dad hitting your mom or when you laid a hand on Bella?"

He knew both of those were topics I had adamantly refused to engage him in. The wounds too painful. I didn't have the courage to open those doors. There were too many ghosts and too much guilt that needed to be dealt with.

"Eventually, Edward, you need to start talking to me. I can't help you and you can't begin to heal until we start dealing with your issues. So, I'm going to give you a choice. We'll sit in silence every session until you pick a topic. What will it be? Your mom, dad, or Bella?"

Silence fell in his room. To me it felt oppressive, like a million eyes looking at me, judging me and finding me as worthless as I felt. I just wasn't ready for any of this. So, I said the one thing that surprised me- but seemed to be what was on my mind.

"Can we talk about the baby?"

 **A/N: WELP... that was surprising. Just as a heads up- things he talks about with Garrett may come out in different ways... so just watch out for those little nuggets... I'll see you for an extra chapter tomorrow. Leave me your thoughts.**

 **WVG**


	113. Chapter 112

**A/N: Ohh how I love how your minds are buzzing about the baby... *evil smirk***

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her cool beta pen. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Later that day, I was walking slowly with Marcus. It was just our third meeting, and I was still feeling him out. He had one hell of a life filled with military service that led to PTSD, a suicide attempt, and then drug use that cost him his family. He claimed that an eleven-month stay at Lakewinds saved his life and kept him out of jail due to multiple burglary charges. He had seen and done it all.

He was a man of few words, instead, letting things come out naturally. So it was no big deal that things were silent as we walked. Problem was, it didn't last long.

"I heard about group." His voice was calm and very matter of fact.

I gave a humorless chuckle. "Is there like a blog or something where you all chat like old biddies?"

Marcus laughed. "No, that would be too weird. Jake talked to me when I got here. It's good to know; how else will I be able to help? How did therapy with Garrett go?"

I snorted. "Fucking surreal. I'm a bit raw. We talked about the baby." I let that bombshell sit there.

Marcus just nodded his head. "That's good. Anything you want to share with me?"

I paused to look at him. When things got bad in his life, it was just him and his wife; they were trying for a baby but, as he put it, fate decided against him procreating. I wasn't sure if he'd understand how the baby made me feel. So, I shook my head.

"I got a different question for you." We'd made it to a bench that was shaded by towering willows. "Mind if we sit? My knee is throbbing."

Silently, we sat, and we both looked over the immaculate grounds. It was a nice fall day, the surprise warmth of the last few days dissipating with the overnight storms. Taking several deep breaths, I asked the one thing I knew he'd be able to help with.

"How do you starting to deal with all the shit?"

 **A/N: *giggles* Did ya think I was gonna make it easy on you? We will learn his thoughts on the baby... but like I've said to a few of you, its not what you think! There will be an extra chapter next week... with answers! Leave me some love and I'll see ya on Monday!**


	114. Chapter 113

**A/N: Sorry for the late posting... had a lonnnnnnng day at work.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen work. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

At my question, Marcus laughed. It wasn't a short chuckle; it was a bones-deep, full-out belly laugh. I watched in equal parts fascination and frustration. What was so fucking funny? When I asked that exact question, all he did was laugh even harder. So, I sat there fuming as Marcus laughed his ass off. I swear if I didn't have a bum knee, I would be hightailing it back to the main building.

What seemed like hours later, but was most likely just a minute or two, Marcus wiped his eyes and got quiet. From my periphery I could see Marcus was gathering his thoughts, so I stayed as quiet as he was.

"I won't lie to you, Edward. That first moment when you start to talk, like really talk about shit, is fucking terrifying. It's like admitting it out loud makes it real, and you can't ignore it any longer. But to get to that point, you'll have to decide what's more important, the fear you have or the desire to start making things right."

He grew quiet, and his words lolled around in my brain. They made sense, a lot of sense. It was also easier for him to say than it was for me to do. Yet, there is the fact that he'd been in my shoes, he had faced the same dilemma and came out a different, changed man.

When we had made our way back and planned for his next visit, he looked at me, once more pinning me with his gaze.

"Let me ask you one final question, one you only have to answer for yourself." He paused to make sure I was listening, so I nodded for him to continue. "Ask yourself how you felt after you finally confided in Garrett about the baby? Was there a sense of relief? Now imagine how that would feel once you got the real heavy stuff off your chest."

With that, he gave me a mock salute and walked away.

 **A/N: I imagine Marcus to look like Sam Elliott... a wise man. I know you're dying to know what he discussed with Garrett and we will get there.. but.. well.. Edward needs to find some courage, its hard taking that first step. But we will get there. Next post will be on Wednesday. Until then, leave me your thoughts.**

 **WVG**


	115. Chapter 114

**A/N: I love that you're encouraging Edward to start talking... makes me smile!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Five more good ones, Edward; you can do it." Bree smiled at me as I grunted in discomfort. "You said five more over ten reps ago!" My words came out all nasally, and Bree smirked at my whining.

"Do them well and I promise ten extra minutes of Watsu." I looked over at her to gauge her sincerity. Feeling as if she were being honest, I put effort into the last five reps. She was working my knee, doing resistance to build back the strength and mobility. It hurt like a mofo. By the end of the five reps, I was sweating, and my whole body ached.

"Bree, I think you nearly killed me." I sat up and swigged down the water she handed to me.

"Dramatic much, Masen? Wait till you're fully healed, and I get to work on muscle tone." She tried to do an evil laugh, but all it did was make me laugh. She threw a towel at me. "Meet me in the pool in fifteen minutes."

Twenty minutes later, I was in the pool and cradled in a swing-like contraption. It helped me stay afloat while Bree worked on massaging me and easing the tension in my joints and muscles. I loved when I got Watsu. I was hesitant at first, not sure how Bree, who was five-foot-three and barely hundred pounds would keep me floating as she massaged me. But after my first one, I felt better and slept so deeply. I became hooked.

It was also a good time to think. Marcus' words had been bouncing in my head for a few days. I would have another session with Garrett tomorrow, but tonight, there would be an NA meeting I would attend. I usually stayed quiet, deciding to offer support instead of sharing my story. Tonight, I was contemplating sharing, albeit, a small portion of my story. It was a way to ease into finally opening up to Garrett and talk about my past. As I floated, I realized that if I really wanted to get better, stronger, I had to start opening the doors to everything I had locked away.

My musings must've been noticeable to Bree. As we both climbed out, she touched my arm to get my attention.

"Whatever has you thinking so hard, Edward, remember one thing; you're in a safe place. Everyone here wants to help. Trust that."

I gave her a jerky nod. "See you next week?"

She smiled at me. "Can't wait. Do good."

With a deep breath, I headed to get dressed. Time to do some dirty work, Masen.

 **A/N: Seems he's ready! I promise the next 2 chapters will have him talking! Watsu is a real physical therapy tool... it looked cool when I was doing some research. Not sure if I'll post tomorrow or Friday.. but I'll see you soon! Until then, leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	116. Chapter 115

**A/N: SURPRISE! Happy Day of Thanks and Family! I'm thankful for my amazing readers! Here is my gift to you all!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta skills. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Later that night, I was listening to a guy named Jared, who was celebrating six months of sobriety. His story of depression and addiction to amphetamines was nearly impossible to listen to. His cycles of extreme depression and flying high euphoria made him a mess. He lost his job as a property manager and was committed for a month due to severe paranoia. He began his road to sobriety only after a near-fatal heart attack.

When he was done telling his story, the moderator, Jake, asked if there was anyone else celebrating a sober milestone. I rubbed my hands on my pants, and before I could psyche myself out of it, I raised my hand. There was a fleeting look of shock on Jake's face before it was replaced with a wide grin.

"Edward, I see you're ready to share." He gave me an encouraging smile.

I cleared my throat, swallowed, and tried to remember to breathe. "Hi, my name is Edward." I paused, and I got a group, "Hello, Edward" back.

I flexed my fingers, trying to shake out the anxiety that was clawing its way through my blood.

"I've been sober for forty-five days." Another pause and they clapped. I took several deep breaths and reminded myself they were all here to support me.

"Awesome milestone, Edward," chimed Jake. "Would you like to comment on tonight's topic?"

I nodded and flexed my hands some more. "I started using to forget, to wipe away the memories of what I did. I used to become numb, tired of hurting those I cared about and tired of fucking up. I wanted oblivion." I paused, guilt flooded my body, and I had to push it down.

Sensing I was in a delicate place, Jake gently prodded me on. "Do you want to share a memory you were trying to forget?"

I could only nod. The silence in the room grew as they waited for me to gather my courage. Closing my eyes, I confessed one of my many sins. "I wanted to forget that I hurt, Bella, my girlfriend, and that I ran away from her and the baby she was carrying. I ran away from my baby."

 **A/N: So he has started his sharing. Tomorrow will have the rest of his group meeting. What do you think so far?**

 **WVG**


	117. Chapter 116

**A/N: I'm starting to feel the love for Edward. Warms my heart. We are still in his group session.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

As I spoke, the anxiety in my chest slowly released its hold on me. My body uncoiled from the tension it was carrying. But most surprising, were the looks of understanding and compassion I saw in the other attendees. There were no judgements as I recounted St. Patrick's Day and the absolute blind rage I felt, and how I was so amped up on a snort of speed, I was unaware I was choking Bella. At least not until it was too late.

Not wanting to get into issues around my parents, I shifted to why I felt I needed to do speed. Not even Jasper knew I had done it. To him, we were just going to smoke a joint. It wasn't until we'd gotten kicked out of the pool hall and he saw how jittery I was that he made me admit I'd taken something else.

"The look on his face, how disappointed he was that I had started up again, pissed me off. He didn't understand how fucked up I felt. I was going to be a dad in a few short months, and I was terrified. Bella was so happy, and I tried so hard to be excited. Every time I mentioned the baby or touched her stomach, she was ecstatic, her whole face would light up. I just didn't have the heart to crush her. I had put her though so much. If I fucked up again, she wasn't going to be able to forgive me."

When I finished, I had tears running down my face, but so did a few other people. Feeling safe enough, I uttered the words I first spoke to Garrett last week. Words I had only begun to admit to myself.

"I was utterly exhausted from pretending all the time. I didn't want to be a father and I wished several times that the baby didn't exist. I wasn't ready, and I felt as if I was suffocating. Leaving was both equal parts relief and guilt. Both ate me up, so I had to numb it all."

 **A/N: Edward's feelings are rather personal to me and while I wont go into detail, I will say, it is very possible for someone to feel like Edward but show no outward signs. But now we're starting to see some of what simmered in Edward. I'd love to hear your thoughts. See you on Monday!**

 **WVG**


	118. Chapter 117

**A/N: My readers are awesome and keep surprising me! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her special red pen. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

I had expected the days and nights following my admission to be filled with nightmares featuring any number of the ghosts and mistakes that littered my life. Instead, they were filled with relief. There was a palpable sense of feeling less burdened with the weight of my shit. So many people at the meeting came to tell me times when they felt the same way. For the first time in what felt like forever, I didn't feel so alone.

When I realized how relieved I felt to finally open up, it led to the start of introspection on my part. Who did I want to be when I was done here? It was a question that Marcus had posed to me when I first met him. He reminded me there was so much to think of beyond maintaining sobriety. Where would I live and work? What kind of a person did I want to become? I was one of the lucky few who had a stable support system that wasn't connected to my using. I always kept them separate, finding the wrong crowd when I was in need of a fix.

The job at Jasper's was something he helped me with until I got settled. It was something I was good at, even though I never had any formal training to be a mechanic. I just didn't know if it was what I wanted to do long term. Growing up, I wanted to be a teacher like my mom. When shit went down, I was so angry that trying to be a teacher or even thinking of having a future was a path I refused to go down.

Tinkering with cars was one way Carlisle tried to reach me when I came to live with him. It gave me a way to calm the rage in me. Over time I learned things, and Jasper taught me a lot more. Ideas and thoughts floated in my head, but before I became too overwhelmed, I reminded myself that I had plenty of time and other work I needed to do before I needed a plan for the rest of my life. As I walked back to my room, I felt as if I was ready to start living; death no longer held a place in my thoughts.

 **A/N: I think this chapter makes me proud of Edward. Now, before you rant that he didn't mention Bella- its early in his rehab and that**

 **is still a sensitive and hot topic for him, so he's not quite in a place to even think about her. Small steps, ya'll. See ya on Wednesday. Leave me some love!**

 **WVG**


	119. Chapter 118

**A/N: I love my readers... you guys rock!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Miss Sally for waving her magic beta wand. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **May need some hankies.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

My knee bounced as I watched people stream in through the front door, my eyes scanning the throng. I spotted Carlisle first, his lips curling into a simple smile. He bent down to talk to someone near him, his hand pointing in my direction. The crowd parted, and I could see him holding Esme's hand. She did more than smile; she sped-walked to me where we wrapped each other into a hug.

"Edward! I'm so happy to see you!" I heard her sniffle then felt her hug me tighter. We swayed a bit, and I let myself sink into the feeling of being in her arms. Esme never tried to take the place of my mom, but my teenage self often felt like she was and therefore was, often cold to her. She never held that against me, and as I grew, I realized she was just taking care of me.

"I'm happy to see you, Auntie. I missed you so much." I blinked back tears as I turned my head to kiss her cheek.

"Can I get in this love fest?" Esme and I separated at Carlisle's voice. He held out his hand, but that just wouldn't do for me. I ignored it and went straight for a hug. A tsunami of emotions, many unexpected, flooded my brain as we hugged. So much that I needed to push it back but made a mental reminder to talk to Garrett.

In no time, we were ushered into the large meeting room for the reception and dinner. We made small talk as we ate, nerves sitting in my stomach made it hard to do much more. I was beyond excited to have them attend family weekend. I had missed them so much. Yet, there was the heavy weight of knowing I would have to finally confess to Esme what was really going on with me. Carlisle told her the bare bones, at his insistence, but the in-depth stuff he knew needed to come from me. I was certain she would be disappointed in me and that thought petrified me.

As we were leaving the room to go for a walk, Garrett stopped us to introduce himself. His calm demeanor easily put Carlisle and Esme at ease. After idle chitchat, he turned his penetrative gaze on me.

"After your walk, why don't you bring them by my office? I'll be around."

His message was loud and clear. They will have questions, and he will be there to help us. Knowing that gave me the boost of confidence and courage I needed to take the next step.

 **A/N: Admitting your addiction to those closest to you is a huge step. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	120. Chapter 119

**A/N: Sorry this is posting late.. it was a crazy busy day. Better late than never. To GR Mona- Right now its November, baby was born back in late May, so we are past where we left BPOV.**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn & Carmen for pre-reading and ally for her beta pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"It's lovely here, Edward." I hummed non-committedly, my mind distracted by the conversation I was trying to figure out how to start. We were strolling the grounds, letting our food digest. It was a squeeze from Esme's hand that brought my attention back to her.

"Sorry, got lots on my mind. Care to sit over by the fountain? It's one of my favorite spots." I led them over and sat. I watched the water, the spray creating ripples, and it never failed to remind me of the ripples of life. The only sound was that of water hitting water. It was soothing- rhythm and chaos at the same time; much like how my life felt. So lost in my head, I never realized I was wringing my hands until I felt one of Esme's warm ones cover mine.

"Edward?"

I looked at her. There was nothing but concern and love written on her face. It was too much for me to handle. Guilt and shame like never before washed over me like a tidal wave.

"I'm an addict, Esme." The words were nothing more than mere whispers, but they felt loud and echoed in the space between us. Yet, with those four simple words, I felt free and unburdened. "I started using shortly after I came to live with you. It wasn't often, just when memories and life got too much. Several times, I quit, only to go back. When I left … Bella and the baby, I went on a continuous bender: drinking, coke, speed, and even a little ecstasy."

I paused, not only to give Esme time to digest the information but time for me to gather my thoughts as to what I wanted to say next.

"I wanted to die, Auntie." Her gasp and sob broke my heart. "I felt I was a giant fuck up and if I just used or drank more, I could just fade to nothing. Memories of the crash have flickered on and off in my head. I remember letting go of the steering wheel and wishing when I hit, it was enough to kill me."

"Ohh, Edward!" Seconds later, I was enveloped in her loving embrace, and together, we cried for my pain and the lost little boy I once was and the man who needed a mother's love.

 **A/N: That last little bit gets me every time. I know it was short.. but the whole purpose of this was the admittance of his addiction. There will be 4 chapters next week as Edward and Garrett get started on some tough shit. Next posting will be on Sunday. I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	121. Chapter 120

**A/N: Have I told you that I have the best readers ever!? Cuz I do!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her wonderful red pen skills. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"I want to talk about Bella today." There was no room for discussion in Garrett's voice- it was firm and the message clear. It was time to deal with my shit. We had spent the last several sessions on my conversation with Carlisle and Esme and my relationship with them. Admitting that I kept them at arm's length because I was afraid of losing them was a revelation that took me a bit to process.

I sighed, but I knew resistance was futile. "Okay, what do you want to know?"

"I want you to tell me at least three things that bothered you about her. What are the things she did, big or small, that irritated you."

"Why?"

"Trust me," was his simple reply.

I gave him an eye roll, but then leaned my head back, pondering his question. A part of me was rebelling against the idea of nit-picking Bella. She wasn't the fuck up, I was. Yet, Garrett asked me to trust him, so I did.

"She always stole my pickles, she was a bed and cover hog, and … I don't know what else."

Garrett pinned me with a steely gaze. "Dig deeper, Edward. What else about her bothered you? You know this is a safe place. I won't judge you. But you need to be honest with yourself about Bella. So give me one more."

We stared each other down. I wanted to sit there and refuse to say anything, but I knew Garrett would be fine with that. His mantra was that he got paid whether I spoke or not, so it was no skin off his back. It also wasn't very helpful to me. So, I did what he asked and really thought about it. There was one thought, but it felt wrong to say it out loud.

"I can see you got one, Edward. It's okay to say it. It doesn't make you or her bad."

Slumping my shoulders, I nodded. "She never came after me whenever I left her. She just let me leave. It was as if she didn't love me like I loved her." The words were out, and I wanted to swallow them back, but I had to admit, even if just to myself, they no longer festered in the deep recesses of my heart.

Garrett just nodded. "Great! We got that out of the way."

I tilted my head, not sure what he meant. "Care to explain what you mean?"

Garrett smirked as he nodded his head. "Sure. You can't have Bella on a pedestal and be able to talk about her and your relationship. I need you to realize she's human. Humans make mistakes and are imperfect. Your guilt was building her up as this paragon who could do no wrong. But as you just admitted, she hogs the bed and she left you alone when you needed her." He paused, which caused me to look up at him.

"Now you're ready to talk about her and the hard stuff."

I could only pray he was right.

 **A/N: Now... don't hate on me or Edward...sometimes the things we want from the people we love isn't rational... The main point of this was as Garrett said- to take Bella off the pedestal Edward has her on. If you're in my FB group.. there is a sneak peak teaser of a future chapter. I'll see ya Monday, until then, let me know what you think!**

 **WVG**


	122. Chapter 121

**A/N: I love all your insights.. they make me smile... thank you for being so awesome!**

 **Love to all my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

As much as Garrett thought I was ready, it was still fucking hard to say things out loud. We started easy- how we met and how our relationship progressed. I couldn't stop smiling as I talked about how she just knocked me out but seemed so unaffected by me. She made me feel normal, like all the shit in my life didn't matter.

"She drew me in like a moth to a flame. I was captivated by her. She seemed too perfect and pure for me. I didn't want my past to taint her."

"But you shared your story with her, right?" prodded Garrett. I could only nod, my throat dry. "How did she react?"

At first, I could only shrug, not sure what he wanted me to say. "She listened, we cried, and that was about it."

"How did it feel to tell her, to see that she hadn't ran away from you?" I paused as I thought back to that day. I could still feel her arms around me, the comfort her small arms gave me left a mark on my heart.

"I was scared shitless, afraid she would use it against me, or go running. Even thought I knew that wasn't how Bella worked. Eventually, It wasn't something I had to think about. She knew and she still loved me." It still amazed me how accepting Bella was of everything I told her.

"Did you ever tell her it was because of your parents that you didn't want to have kids?"

My brow furrowed as I thought back to that night. There was sex, lots of it. I had missed her something fierce, so much that it was hard to stay away. A faint inkling that I had mentioned my aversion to kids came to me, hazy and unformed. It took a few seconds more for the haze to clear.

"I did, and I told her if she wanted kids it was best she admits it, and we could split before we got any deeper." The words were whispers, the rose-colored glasses where Bella was concerned slipped off.

"What did she say, Edward?"

"Not much actually. She brushed it off and that was it." There was a release of tension in my body and a nugget of guilt chipped away.

"Where did you think you both stood on the topic?"

I looked up at Garrett, certain the dawning realization was written all over my face. "That it was resolved. She stuck around; she picked me and not kids."

I knew the answer to Garrett's next question before he said it. "How did you feel when she became pregnant and wanted to keep the baby?"

The answer was automatic.

"Like she betrayed me."

 **A/N: Dun dun dunnnnnn... If you remember, he did tell her, and Bella just brushed him off.. go back and look.. ch. 44. Can't wait to see what you all think. I'll post again on Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	123. Chapter 122

**A/N: WOW... last chapter brought out the reactions. I hope my replies to your thoughts helped you dive a bit deeper into mine.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

My admission rolled around in my head causing me to vacillate between guilt, anger, and sadness. For the first time in my recovery, I had an urge to use. The thought of not having to deal with how I felt or thoughts of Bella was tempting. It was the first real test of my sobriety. The thoughts and questions were so pervasive. _Did Bella lie to me when she said she didn't want kids? Did I miss understand? Where did it all go so wrong?_ I had no recollection of making it to group. It was Jake's voice that brought my attention away from the sweet relief a hit of speed would bring me.

After Jake recited the group rules, he opened the floor to the group for anything we may need. Without a single thought, my hand shot up, and I was speaking before Jake could say my name.

"I'm having a bad moment right now. The urge to use is so strong …" My voice trailed off, unwanted thoughts and feelings about Bella creeping up into my brain. "I just don't want to think right now. I don't want to feel anything right now. I want numbness." My body shook as I fought the urge to flee.

Seconds later, Jake was in front of me. "Thank you for your honesty, Edward. We're all here for you, and we'll help you get through this moment."

The rest of group time was spent helping me combat not only my urges but forcing me to confront the feelings and thoughts I wanted to run from. Each negative thought was countered; each thought of doubt was replaced with messages of strength and courage. At the end of the two hours, I was emotionally spent, I even had more questions than answers when it came to my relationship with Bella. Yet, there was a small spark of hope that I could come out the other end of this better and stronger. I just had to hold onto that sense of hope.

 **A/N: A test of his sobriety and I have to say I'm proud of our guy. Rehab is s system of understanding underlying causes, thoughts and feelings that brought an addict down the using road... and then its tearing the road apart and building a better foundation to construct a better road. Let me know what you think. See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	124. Chapter 123

**A/N: I can't say thanks enough to you all! Your word have kept me going!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Days melded into weeks, which morphed into months. As I grew stronger physically, it came time to eventually say goodbye to Bree. I had gained considerable strength in the bones that were broken. I was nowhere near where I was pre-accident, but I was on my way. My knee was feeling better than ever. The only issue that remained was lingering pains in my chest. It was to be expected with having cracked ribs.

Before Bree could discharge me from her care, she was taking me through my paces: mobility, gait, range of motion, and strength testing. When she was done, she declared me fit as a fiddle.

"You happy to be done with me, Edward?" She gave me a sly smirk.

"Not in the least! You're the one person who doesn't want to tiptoe through my brain. You just want me for my body." She gasped as I winked at her in jest. "All kidding aside, thanks so much for all that you did. I appreciate it."

Bree blushed before she playfully slapped my arm. "It was my pleasure. I love what I do. Being able to help someone heal their body can only help them heal the emotional scars." She regarded me thoughtfully. "I've seen a lot people come through here, Edward. I have a good idea about those who won't make it. You're not going to be one of those people. You're going to make it, Edward. I have faith in you."

She handed me a sheet with my discharge papers. "Now go and prove me right!"

 **A/N: I thought you could use a little lighthearted chapter. Next week there will just be 3 chapters. So next post will be Monday. Would love to hear your thoughts!**

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	125. Chapter 124

**A/N: I hope you all had a great weekend. Ready for a little emotion? Also. a lot of reviewers asked about the timeline, so here it is:**

 ***He left March, baby born/died end of May, his accident was end of Sept which is also when the last BPOV took place and we are now in Feb. So he has been gone almost a year. Hope that helps.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

My knees bounced as I stared at the phone on the desk. Anxiety spiked, leaving me with a queasy feeling in my gut.

"If you're not ready, Edward, we can do this another day." There was no condemnation in Garrett's words. I believed that if I said I wasn't ready, he would let me call this off and wouldn't hold it against me. But if there was one thing I'd learned in the nearly five months I had been at Lakewinds it was that sometimes you have to confront the difficult issues. When I told Garrett this, he just smiled at me, letting me know I was making the right choice.

"Make the call," I whispered. I watched him dial with growing trepidation. My hands alternated between fists and shaking out my fingers, and I couldn't sit still. Through the fog of my panic, I listened as Garrett talked to Carlisle, knowing he would clue him in to what was happening and the parameters, which I had requested, were for the call.

There was a brief silence where all I heard was the rushing of blood in my veins and the tick of the clock Garrett used during sessions. It was just a few seconds, but they stretched out before me like a chasm, deep and dark. In my gut, I knew I had to make this call. I had to start making amends to all those I had hurt. Not because they were steps in my program but because I owed it to her.

Once she knew the depth of my lies, how I kept so much from her, I could only guess at how betrayed she would feel. We were kindred spirits, both born of the same cloth of loss and abandonment by those who were supposed to love us and keep us safe. Granted, we both found reprieve and a place to call home where we had unconditional love. But we both wore similar scars, and that connected us in a way not many could understand.

"Edward?" As if he sensed where I was, Garrett's soothing voice brought me back to the present. He gestured to the phone to let me know she was on, ready and waiting for me.

"Alice?" I asked. In reply, I heard her sobbing, and I quickly joined her.

 **A/N: Ok... so honestly.. how many of you thought for a hot second he was calling Bella? And once you realized I faked you out.. how many cursed my name? hehe The rest of his call will be on Wednesday. Also, as a heads up, the week of Christmas there will be no posting.. I got too much going on... Leave me love!**

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	126. Chapter 125

**A/N: Ok... here is Alice's story. Grab your kleenex.**

 **Love to all my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta work. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"I'm so sorry, Alice!" It was the only thing I could say after telling her how far off the rail I got.

"You lied to me, Edward! You promised me you would stop! You promised me!"

The anguish in her voice cut me deep. "I know, Alice! I'm so fucking sorry!"

"I kept your secret for years! YEARS! I kept it hidden from Mom and Dad! You said you would stop, and I promised you I wouldn't tell as long as you stopped."

The betrayal she felt was layered on each syllable. There was nothing I could say to make it right. I deserved her pain because I knew just how much this affected her. It wasn't just the lies; it was so much more.

The silence on the phone was heavy; it permeated the distance between us. Alice's pain and sorrow was another consequence of all my using and bad choices in life. Lost in my own pity party, I almost missed the fact that Alice was talking again.

"You, of all people, Edward understand my fears. You know why I made you promise me. I can't go through this again. I can't lose someone else that I love."

There it was- Alice's devastation and desolation. She was right; I did know. I knew she watched her biological parents die of an overdose. She hid in the closet, watching as her parents partied with their dealer, and when the money ran out, her dad exchanged sex with her mom for more drugs. She heard each disgusting and degrading thing her dad and the dealer called her mom. Listened as her extremely stoned mother was raped, and then when the final speedball of heroin did them in, the dealer ran.

"I know," I whispered. The failures of our parents bonded us. "All I have right now are apologies, and I know they do you no good. I'd love to promise you that I'll never use again. But I can't make that promise, Alice. I'm an addict, and as much as I want to make that promise, it would be impossible. What I can promise is that I'm working hard to get better and learning how to live life sober. I'm working on my demons, Alice."

Her sniffles nearly did me in, the thought that I caused her pain almost as unbearable as the pain I've caused Bella. Yet, it was her words that threatened to annihilate me.

"How did I not know, Edward? I keep wracking my brain, wondering how I missed all of this!" I couldn't let her take this on herself, she was in no at fault.

"It's all on me, Ali. When I used, I got good at hiding it. It all got out of control when I left." The implication of my words hung in the air.

I paused, trying to order the chaotic thoughts churning, but I realized there was just one thing left to say.

"I love you, Alice."

She sobbed and sniffled some more, but through it all, I heard the best thing ever. "I love you too, Edward."

 **A/N: As you can see... they have a pretty special bond. And if you think back to early conversations she had with Bella... you'll see why she acted in certain ways. Last chapter of the week will be Friday! Leave me some love, it makes me smile!**

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	127. Chapter 126

**A/N: I felt the love you had for Alice, made me smile! I love her relationship with Edward.**

 **Love to my lovely ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta wand. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

For the most part, when in rehab, you're there to focus on your own sobriety and issues. That doesn't mean that participation in group therapy, and even at NA/AA meetings, isn't encouraged. The thought is for those further along in the program and in their sobriety have insights that could be relatable. They're not wrong. There have been plenty of times Marcus had a way of reframing things that Garrett was trying to get across. Hearing how Marcus survived what he did and was still able to maintain his sobriety gave me hope that I could follow in his footsteps.

So I did my part and participated, usually when Seth was talking in group. He was twenty-one years old and had struggled with addiction since he was fifteen. He reminded me so much of myself; I had a soft spot for him. He was sharing a recent call with his girlfriend, one that didn't go very well.

"I've said sorry to her, not sure what else she wants from me!" Seth threw his hands up in the air.

"I think she's worried, Seth," replied Jake. We all nodded our heads. "How many times have you said you're sorry?" Jake gave him a pointed stare. "To her, I bet it's too many times. Now she needs action."

Seth sighed. "I know. I just want to get through this for her, get out, and hope she's still there when I get out."

"Seth, you can't do this for her," I reminded him. "This has to be for yourself, and the benefits to others will follow. You'll never stay sober if your motivation is wrong." We all kept talking to Seth, supporting him in making better choices.

"You need to dump the bitch," scoffed Paul. "Plenty of pussy around."

I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they'd roll out of their sockets. "That's sound advice from a dude who is married," I snarked back at him.

"Fuck off, Masen."

I shook my head at him. "Whatever. Guys like you are all the same." I turned away from him. "Don't listen to him, Seth. If you love her and she loves you, then you've got to have faith she'll wait for you."

Paul snorted. "Such pussy advice. Fuck her, Seth. Bitches are only good for pussy; once they start being all whiney, cut 'em loose."

I shouldn't have let him get under my skin. But I knew guys like him, and they pissed me off. So it was no surprise the words were out before I could censor them.

"You're a pussy for beating on your wife like a loser."

Jake barely had time to reprimand me before Paul tried to lunge. I ducked, and he fell onto the floor where I just laughed. "See, loser."

 **A/N: Ahhh... Paul.. what an ass... but he will serve a larger purpose for our Edward. I decided that next week will only have 3 chapters, I dont want to leave you with a huge cliffie when I take the week of Christmas off. I would love to hear your thoughts. I get to go volunteer for 5 hours at the ice rink.. so warm me with your words! See ya Monday!**

 **WVG**


	128. Chapter 127

**A/N: To all you Paul haters, he doesnt get any better in this one... but.. there is method to my madness!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Both Jake and Garrett read me the riot act. They were less than impressed with my egging Paul on. As much as they were right- that it wasn't a helpful way to act- it sure felt good. I just didn't tell them that. Instead, I apologized to them both and went on my merry way.

Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to say that was the last issue between Paul and me, I can't. It didn't help that he was pissed off and therefore stomping around like a pompous ass. Rumor mill had it that he tried to get out, but his all-important daddy, who was instrumental in getting him in rehab instead of jail, told him to stay. Seems people were still pissed that he got rehab when he was driving drunk with his kid in the car.

Two weeks after our last altercation, we were back in group. I was sitting as far away from him as I could, not even daring to look at him. Jake was talking to us about building a supportive group, including significant others. We were discussing how our partners could be a benefit to us, especially in social situations, if an urge to use grabbed a hold of us.

Paul, who had been silent, snorted in derision. "Fuck this shit!" Then he unleashed a tirade that included racial slurs at Jake and Seth for their Native American heritage, to how his "bitch of a wife" wasn't going to stop him from using, and if she did, he'd backhand her into next week.

At this, my patience snapped. Hearing violence against women was a trigger for me, I was self-aware enough to know this. However, I had yet learned how to effectively deal with triggering situations. So, it eventually it became a screaming match between the two of us. Insults were hurling so fast and furious that we weren't listening to each other. It all came to a spectacular head when Paul lunged at me and took a swing. It glanced off my forehead as he was swinging wildly.

With all the ruckus, it didn't take long for other staff to come in and break up the scuffle. I was sent to the med clinic as I was bleeding, and Paul was hauled off to administration.

Later, it was announced that Paul had a positive pee test and was faced with starting the program over with major restrictions, so he walked out. We were all shocked, but none of us lost sleep over his departure. Sad thing was maybe we should've.

 **A/N: Not everyone in rehab is ready and willing to learn how to live a sober lifestyle. But what comes next... safe to say.. brings big changes for Edward. I'll post again on Wednesday. Please leave me some love, I love all your thoughts!**

 **Remember no posting next week due to the holidays!**

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	129. Chapter 128

**A/N: So the general consensus is that Paul is an asshole! LOL**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for making my words pretty.**

 *******Possible triggering issue- Its just a mention of violence*****

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

I was having a shitty few days. My head had been a mess ever since Garrett announced at the end of my last session that we were going to start tackling my parents. To say I was apprehensive would be putting it mildly. My head was filled with memories, sounds, and smells. I was a walking ball of nerves.

Even in my sleep, I was fighting invisible demons that would cause me to wake screaming and leave my heart pounding furiously. As I panted for air, I would struggle to hold onto the wispy remnants of my dreams. I couldn't remember anything, just an overwhelming sense of panic. Garrett said it was my mind starting to think about the memories I've stored away.

No matter the cause, it was leaving me on edge and mentally exhausted. I knew I needed to talk about my parents. As cliché as it sounds, they are at the root of a lot of issues I have. But I've done such a good job avoiding them that the prospect of confronting them leaves me feeling wary.

I didn't know what I wanted to confront first: my mom or my rat-bastard of a dad. Both held potential landmines waiting to blow up and tear me a part. Garrett thought I was being a bit melodramatic. I knew the truth. Luckily for me, fate had a way of forcing me to do what it wanted.

We were gathered in the group room, but this time, it was filled with more than just residents. There were several of the staff therapists and other group leaders. Jake sat at the front of the room, looking subdued. I sat next to Seth.

"What's going on? A surprise pee test?" I asked Seth.

He shrugged. "Not sure. But it seems serious." I nodded but said no more as Jake stood and asked for the room's attention. In seconds, a silence descended, and there was an air of heavy expectation.

"As you all know, one thing we always talk about are the consequences of choices. It's like the stone thrown in the water- the ripples go farther than can be anticipated. A few weeks ago, Paul made a series of choices; to use while in treatment, to stop participating in services, and the ultimate one was to leave before he was done. It is with a heavy heart and profound sadness that we tell you that yesterday, Paul took the lives of his wife and children before taking his own."

I didn't hear anything else; my vision went fuzzy, and my blood rushed in my ears. Images and sounds exploded in my head: blood, screams, my father's smirking face, and my pale mother. It was all too much for me, and when I felt the coming blackness, I gladly welcomed it.

 **A/N: Well... a few of you called it.. Paul was gonna take things out on his own family. Seems the news of what Paul did hit waaay too close to home for Edward. Seems it triggered some memories. Soon we will be delving into the real story of what happened to Edward's mom and it could contain several triggering situations. If anyone has concerns, please share them with me and I'll do my best to help. I based Paul on several clients I used to have... sadly, one did try to kill all his kids (only ended up shooting one of them) and their mom, he then turned the gun on himself when cops found him.**

 **I would love to hear your thoughts. I will post again on Friday!**

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	130. Chapter 129

**A/N: Sorry for the late post.. the day just got away from me. Some of you thought the last chapter was a little dark before the holidays.. oops?**

 **Love to my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta wand. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Are you sure you're ready, Edward?" There was real concern in Garrett's question. It was understandable. The panic attack triggered by the announcement of what Paul did shook me. Long forgotten memories surfaced, confronting me with a rewrite of my history. It took days for me to finally feel as if I wasn't in the grip of panic.

"Ready? Hell, no. Need to? Yeah." I sighed. "I need to, G. I can't go forward unless I do this." I felt weary, and I hadn't said a single thing. "The past can't kill me; it's just gonna feel like it is."

Garrett nodded. "I'm proud of you, Edward. You've come a long way. I think we need to start easy. Let's talk about your mom. Tell me about her life."

Taking a deep breath, I blew it out. I launched into a tale of how she grew up in Wisconsin on a dairy farm in some tiny town. She was the youngest of three, and after watching her older brother Ben die from complications of scarlet fever, she decided to become a nurse. That was how she ended up in Chicago; she went to college there on a partial scholarship.

"She told me how her parents were so proud of her when she graduated. She was the first one in her family to go to college, if you don't count Carlisle going to seminary school." Images of my mom in scrubs filled my head.

"Where did she work after college?"

"Umm, she worked in a hospital for a while on one of the medical floors. After I was born, she switched to a clinic setting. She said she did it so she wouldn't miss me growing up."

"What are some of your favorite memories of her when you were growing up?"

I smiled as many came to mind. "How she always had plans for the weekends. Whether it was camping, going to the zoo or movies, days of baking. She just spent time with me. We would often have Disney marathons, and together, we would sing all the songs. We both sucked."

I laughed and then sobbed, a lone tear streaking its way down my face. "I miss her so fucking much!"

Silence descended in the room and I used it to gather my composure.

"How did she meet your dad, Edward?" Even though his tone was quiet, it felt as if he had screamed it in my head.

"At a bar. They were both out with friends and got to talking after he accidently bumped into her, knocking her down and spilling her drink."

"Sounds like a pretty normal meeting," commented Garrett.

"Yeah. I just wish it would've stayed normal."

 **A/N: Hopefully this is a little lighter chapter. What's coming up is Edward finally dealing with some of his demons and we'll learn the truth of what happened the night his mom died. Also, a reminder that I'm taking next week off, there is just too much going on for me to post. So I'll post on Dec. 31st.**

 **Yesterday was the first day we could post our BatB offerings. Since mine was the first 2 chapters of a new story, I wont post until I have enough chapters stockpiled. So I hope you enjoy all the other stories and outtakes!**

 **A Blessed Yule and Happy Holidays to you and yours!**

 **WVG**


	131. Chapter 130

**A/N: I'm back! I missed you all! I hope you all had a joyous holiday! Just as a quick refresher, we last left Edward talking about time with his mom and how his parents met. We are entering a really dark place in Edward's story. This week the chapters will be setting the stage for when he really gets talking about what he dealt with. There will be abuse and domestic violence triggers. Please let know if you need to skip those and I can let you know when to bow out of a chapter.**

 **Love to my ladies Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for being a comma queen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"What else do you know about those early times between your parents?"

I tensed up. My heart rate spiked, leaving me feeling breathless.

"Take deep breaths, Edward. You're safe; nothing can hurt you here."

My head jerked in acknowledgment. I focused on a blemish on the rug in front of me, concentrating on its shape and size in hopes of distracting myself.

"You're doing well, Edward."

I shook out my hands that were fisted. I welcomed the tingly feeling of blood rushing back into my fingers.

"They dated for over a year before they got engaged. He was working construction. He loved to work the jobs that required him to be high up. Mom said he got a thrill out of it. If you asked him, it was for the extra money it brought in."

"Would you say your parents struggled financially?"

I shrugged. "Not really, I guess. If they did, they never discussed it where I could hear. There was always food, clothes, and we didn't have to move around like some of my other friends."

"Can you remember any good times as a family? You talked about the things you did with your mom on the weekends. Did your dad join you in those activities?"

"Sometimes. During the summer, he often worked six days a week. On Sunday, he would relax." A faint memory of something I had long forgotten crept up. "I vaguely remember Mom massaging him or him sitting with cold and heat packs."

"Construction can take a toll on someone's body. Do you remember if he had any health issues related to his work?"

I jolted up. His questions triggering something deep inside me that I had long forgotten.

"He had a serious accident when I was like ten, maybe eleven years old. I think he was in the hospital for a bit." My eyes were wide, not seeing Garrett's office but a scene from a buried memory. My hands began to shake, my vision blurry.

"It seems as if you buried this particular memory. Is there any reason you can think as to why?"

"Because when he came home, everything changed." I tried to hold on, but the panic attack that had been building stole me away. Curling up and screaming was the last memory I had before it went dark.

 **A/N: Ohh Edward... you need a hug. I have a feeling that I may get the question of how could Edward forget his dad's accident. Answer- trauma. Trauma has a way of re-writing your past in order for you to survive it. Plus, he's 26 now, so this would've happened over 15-16 years ago, and our memories tend to get, blotchy. Add in his trauma and he will forget things. But with Garrett making him go back to relive this part of his past, he will start remembering things he's been running from. Normal posting schedule this week. I'll see you on Wednesday! Have a great New Years Eve, be safe and I'll see you next year. I know.. its lame.. but so am I! Leave me love!**

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	132. Chapter 131

**A/N: Thank you being awesome!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for adding her red pen corrections. I'm always tinkering so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Let's go over everything."

I rolled my eyes at Garrett. His response was to cock his brow at me.

"This is serious, Edward. I'm trying to help stave off any more panic attacks. I would think you'd want that as well."

I nodded. I did. The last one took so much out of me; it was days before I felt normal. When I asked Garrett why they were so frequent, he hypothesized that talking about my parents was bringing up memories that had been buried away. My brain did that to try and cope with the trauma, and talking about it was causing the trauma to be front and center. So, he devised a plan to help me if I felt an attack coming on.

Garrett handed me a foam stress ball. "Hold this and if you feel like an attack is coming on, drop it. If you can't, and I see signs that point to one starting, I'll touch you either on your arms or knees." He then demonstrated how he would touch me.

"This feels stupid, Garrett." I sighed. All the planning seemed just a bit over the top to me.

"Edward, you've been a victim of abuse, and you're going to be reliving some of it. It's not uncommon for survivors to feel like they're back at that time and place, and any touch could be startling. I'm doing it to save your mental health and to prevent me from getting hit."

I stared at him, wide-eyed. "Has that ever happened before?"

Garrett gave me a wry smile. "More times than I care to admit." He regarded me thoughtfully. "I'm ready to begin if you are."

Taking a few cleansing breaths, I squeezed the foam ball, already feeling a knot of tension in my gut.

"Yeah."

"Let's go back to your dad."

 **A/N: Poor Edward. To deal with the crud ya gotta go through hell. Next post will be on Friday when we learn a little more about his dad... and I may surprise you! Leave me love as it makes me smile!**

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	133. Chapter 132

**A/N: Seems like you're coming back around to liking Edward.. I like that!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Before his accident, can you remember any good memories of times with him?"

I closed my eyes and was assaulted by visuals and sounds. My breaths turned ragged.

"You're safe, Edward. Take regular breaths."

My hand was rapidly squeezing the stress ball as I went back to my earliest memories of my dad.

"Baseball. He would take me to ballgames. He once caught a fly ball for me, and after the game, he took me down to the field, so we could get it signed."

"How does that memory make you feel?"

"Happy," I whispered. "We were both awed being next to the players. We both smiled the whole way home."

"Did you feel safe with your dad?"

Tears began to streak down my face. "Of course," my voice cracked, "he was my hero."

Garrett gave me a few minutes to gather some composure and reconcile myself to my newfound revelation. It was something I would need to ponder later.

"Tell me about his accident. What happened?"

"A concrete wall collapsed on him. It wasn't shored up and was bumped by a front-end loader. He was buried for over an hour."

By now, my hand had a death grip on the ball. I didn't want to go any further, and in a pathetic voice, I pled with Garrett. "Please, no more."

"Open your eyes and look at me, Edward."

I hadn't realized they were closed, so when I opened them, Garrett was inches from me. "You're safe. No one will hurt you." There was such truth in his eyes, but it did little to quell the riot of nerves in my body.

"One last question. Did you visit him in the hospital?"

I nodded. "Mom took me when he finally woke up a few days later. His head was bandaged; one of his legs was in a cast. He let me write on it. He also fractured his lower back. He was always in so much pain."

My mind had shifted from memories of the hospital to those of when he was finally home. I couldn't make them stop. My gut churned, and I couldn't draw in enough air. Somewhere, I had the presence of mind to drop the ball. I never heard it drop, but I felt Garrett grab my hands, anchoring me to the here and now.

"Focus on me, Edward. You're not back in the house; you're here with me. Breathe with me." The next minutes had me hyper-focused on Garrett and his breathing. Slowly, the tendrils of panic I felt loosened their grip on me. When Garrett let go of my hands, I slumped back in my chair, my body heavy with exhaustion.

"You did well, Edward."

My response was uncontrollable as I began to sob. "I don't think I'm going to survive this."

 **A/N: I think Edward needs a group hug and cuddle. Slowly the pieces of his past are coming to light. Many of you commented that Edward needs to realize the role his dad's accident played. He will get there.. but it will take a little time. Would love to hear your thoughts! I'll see you on Monday!**

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	134. Chapter 133

**A/N: We gonna slow things down a bit this week.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her magic red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"One triple cheese with bacon and fries?" I waved my hand, and the young waitress set the plate in front of me.

"Grilled Rueben for you, sir?" she asked Marcus.

"Oh, yes," he stated, and they both chuckled.

I bit into my burger and moaned with the explosion of flavors.

"Better than the café at the center?" asked Marcus.

I glared at him as I took another bite. Marcus just laughed. In silence, we ate. I was taking full advantage of my day pass away from the center. Food was high on my priority list. There was only so much healthy food a red-blooded man could take before the craving for real food took over.

Eventually, we started chitchatting. He let it slip that he was dating someone, and so I relentlessly grilled him on the details. To get me off his back, he asked me how I was doing.

"Garrett thinks I'll be ready for discharge within the next several months." I dredged a few fries through some ketchup. "Hopefully," I added as an afterthought.

"How ya feeling about that?" I looked up to find Marcus watching me.

"Not real sure. I haven't thought about life after rehab." I drifted off and just shrugged my shoulders.

Marcus pushed his plate away and folded his hands on the table. "Better start thinking about it, Edward. The better prepared you are, the better you'll fare out there."

I could only nod. It was the same thing everyone at the center was telling me. No longer feeling as ravenous as before, I pushed my plate away as well.

"Care to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" Marcus signaled for coffee and waited me out.

I gathered my thoughts as the waitress brought over two cups of coffee and left us a carafe so we could refill as we wanted.

"I don't know how much more I can take of talking about my parents, Marcus. I'm having panic attacks, and the nightmares afterwards …" I paused, willing away the tears that seemed always on the verge of falling. "It's too fucking much," I rasp out.

Taking a sip of the scalding coffee, I looked out the window, unwilling to even glance Marcus' way.

"Having it hurt like that is a good thing, Edward."

I scoffed.

"It's true. All that pain and agony you feel has been with you all this time. You've just buried it so deep. It's time that you get it out. It's like a tumor, Edward, growing and making you sick. Talking about it not only allows you to get it out, it lessens its power over you."

I couldn't say anything; instead, I rubbed at the gnawing pain in my chest.

"Don't let that bastard ruin any more of your life, Edward. You're stronger than he was. A man who does what he did isn't a strong man. He was nothing more than a coward. You, Edward, are not a coward."

I gripped my cup. "How do I find the strength, Marcus? I feel like I'm dying."

"You lean on those in your group, and you trust Garrett to do right by you. I know this sounds like nothing but a giant cliché, but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I mean it, Edward. You're stronger than you know, and it's time you start trusting yourself and believe it."

 **A/N: GAH! Don't ya just love Marcus? He's a wise man! In case you didnt see it, I posted some songs that are on my EPOV playlist yesterday as well as a very tiny teaser in my FB group. Check them out and I'd love to know what you thought about them. I finally have an outline of how the final section of this story is gonna go... so I'm excited. Next post will be on Wednesday, until then... what ya thinking?**

 **WVG**


	135. Chapter 134

**A/N: My readers rock! *mwah***

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for tiding up. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **We're back to delving into Edward's past.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Tell me your earliest memory of when things changed after your dad's accident." I was back in Garrett's office, the familiar coil of panic sat in my stomach as he began our session. I sighed. No matter how resolved I felt prior to our sessions, the minute he started to ask me questions, the panic would set in.

Despite the gnawing feeling of anxiousness, I closed my eyes and transported myself back to the weeks after his accident. Flashes of images, words, and sounds poured into my brain. I winced at the overload.

"Breathe, Edward."

"The memories are all jumbled."

"Then just start talking; we'll sort it out later."

I nodded and started to talk.

"He was in lots of pain, always complaining about it. My mom would drive him to therapy in the morning before she went to work. He was always taking pills, but I don't know what they were. My mom would try to work with him in the evening, and it would end in shouting matches."

My breathing hitched as I replayed how things seemed to change in minute ways. A look, a scathing remark, led eventually, to biting comments at the slightest mistake or word.

"Dad hated that he couldn't work, he hated physical therapy, and eventually he stopped going. Drinking went from only when he was watching sports in the evenings, to all day long. It was small things that just snowballed; he complained Mom had to work, but then when her paychecks came, he complained she wasn't doing enough."

My gut churned, familiar feelings of helplessness flowed in my blood. Some part of me cursed my weakness. My dad was dead, long gone, but he still had power over me, and I fucking hate it and him.

"Do you have a memory of when things appeared to change or be different?" Garrett's question moored me to the present. I clung to his presence, reminding me I was no longer that vulnerable little boy. Turning my thoughts back to the past, I dug deep, moving pass the panic that felt ever-present.

I couldn't pinpoint an exact time or moment that everything changed, but I kept coming back to the first time I was ever scared of my dad. When I mentioned it to Garrett, he said to go with that memory, so I did.

 **A/N: Yeah.. I know... a bit of a cliffie... sorry? Next chapter will be Friday. Reviews are love!**

 **WVG**


	136. Chapter 135

**A/N: Sorry for the late post.. work was hell! So time to delve into some of Edward's memories.**

 **Love to all my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 *****Possible triggering subjects*** Blankie's needed.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"My dad was a huge Bears fan. There was this one time he was pissed they lost to the Packers in a close game. My mom wasn't much of a football fan, so it was always just my dad and me watching. The game ended, and my dad went on a mini tirade; mom walked passed him and chided him about his swearing."

I paused, the familiar tang of fear lay heavy on my tongue. That taste always proceeded things going to shit at home. Breathing through the fear like Garrett taught me, I continued talking.

"It happened so fast I don't think we knew what happened. She was telling him to mind his language, and his hand shot out. The sound was like a gunshot. It appeared to echo in the room. If it weren't for the red splotch on her face, I wouldn't have been sure he hit her. The look of shock on her face and the confusion and then terror on my dad's face are my starkest memory."

I looked up at Garrett, tears I couldn't hold back streaked down my face.

"He apologized, and she accepted. But it was like a snowball that's rolling down a steep hill, it couldn't be stopped. Within six months, the house was filled with cruel words to us both, and Mom became his target when he needed to lash out physically. It was then that she would send me away during the summers to get away from him. I think it was because she did that it took him longer to turn on me." The truth of it all hit me like a freight train, my whole body trembling from the knowledge.

"Do you remember the first time he hit you, Edward?"

I knew the question was coming; the memory was already playing in my head, the emotions boiling in my blood.

"Yes," I whispered.

"I want you to take me there."

"Please, no," I begged.

"You're safe, Edward; we need to talk about it. It's time to stop running from this."

I flopped backward onto the chair I was sitting in, a deep sigh rushing out. Garrett was right. I can't run, but I knew once we tackled this there would be no delay in talking about the night my mom died. I didn't think I would ever be ready for that.

 **A/N: Are we all ok? *group hug* Next chapter (on Monday) we learn about the first time Edward was hit by his dad. Would love to know what you're thinking! Have a great weekend!**

 **WVG**


	137. Chapter 136

**A/N: I think you're gonna love the chapters for this week!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading (hopefully they are reading what I just sent!) and to Sally for her magic beta pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

 *****Trigger warning- grab your blankie*****

EPOV

"My mom was good at deflecting my dad's wrath from me. If I was unwittingly in his path, she always found a way to get me away from him." I looked Garrett in the eyes. "I never realized that's what she was doing, G. For about two years, I watched my dad berate my mom, call her every name under the sun. I heard the arguments at night. I would see the bruises. I was always so concerned for her that I never realized she kept his attention off me."

I jumped up, unable to sit still anymore. My hands tingled with restless anxiety; I was squeezing my stress ball vigorously.

"I had just come back from visiting Carlisle and Esme, I was in a good mood, and I had forgotten my place. I had shit all over the place in my room. Dad had told me to pick it up, but I was feeling lazy and was playing a video game. I went out to get a drink or something …"

I paused and looked up at Garrett; there was an inexplicable need for him to understand.

The memory took hold and I was transported back to that day. My body stilled, waiting for the pain. "I … I didn't mean to … the glass dropped … I never saw him … I said I was sorry…" In an instant I could smell the sweat from my dad, his face twisted in a grimace, my body was locked up, and the way my head whipped back when he smacked me.

I couldn't talk; the sobs were coming harder. I collapsed to my knees, the weight of the memory and my own emotions crushed me and it was too much to bear. Garrett joined me on the floor of his office. Words and flashes of the past came out so fast, it was hard for me to tell if they were all from the same time.

"When he hit me, my head snapped back, I stumbled into a wall, and when I fell, I landed on a piece of glass. There was blood, and I kept getting it all over the place. He was screaming at me …"

The sobs came harder, making my words choppy. "Worthless, stupid, can't drink from glass, need bottle like a fucking baby, make me sick, wished never was born!"

Over and over the words tumbled from my lips until Garrett finally snapped me back to the present. My panting was loud and labored, but I could barely hear them over the furious pounding of my heart. I clung to Garrett as I cried, finally letting go of all the pain I held inside.

 **A/N: Ohh poor Edward. This is the most detail I go into regarding his own abuse. The rest of the this week I slow it down and give you a sneak into Edward's mind.**

 **I rarely give recs, but one of my closest friends re-posted of my fave FF stories and its finally complete: Ren Faire by Everleigh Allen... please go and give it a read.. its a fun one!**

 **Until Wednesday... reviews are love!**

 **WVG**


	138. Chapter 137

**A/N: Sorry for the delay... the day got away from me. The next 2 chapters will give little hints to things coming up...**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for making it look pretty. I tinker to any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

 _I'm running, I can hear my mom's cries, and I see blood everywhere. I'm panting, the sound of blood rushes in my ears. I can hear my dad bellowing; fear courses through my veins. I run to find my mom. I run to get away from my dad._

I closed the brown leather-clad journal, laying it down next to me. My head, throbbing from reliving the dream, drops to the cool window I'm sitting by. Anxiety hovers over me while guilt and worry stick to me like the sweat drying on my skin. Consciously, I work on taking deep breaths, hoping to rid by body of the remaining panic. Garrett was spot on when he said my dreams were gonna get worse the more we talked about my heard me screaming and, thankfully, woke me up. Unwilling to go back to sleep, I decided to journal for a bit, willing to do anything to help me deal with the memories.

A shuffling of feet had me looking around. Emily poked her head into the day room. "You doing okay, Edward?"

I gave her a weak smile. "Hanging in there, Emily."

Her smile is warm and full of concern. "Try and get some rest."

I waved her off, turning to look back out the window. Images still played in the back of my mind, making me restless. I could journal the memories, but it would just be more of the same. There was just one thing that helped calm me down. Looking down, I picked up a worn purple journal and flipped to the next open page.

 **A/N: Short... I know... and a little cliffie... but... we see he is starting to reliving things about his mom... that's good.**

 **Next post on Friday... a little review makes a writer happy!**

 **WVG**


	139. Chapter 138

**A/N: My readers rock! Love to Carmen and Dawn who pre-read and Miss Sally for her magic beta wand. I tinker so any mistakes are mine!**

 **Ready to see what's in the purple journal?**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

 ** _Dearest Bella,_**

 ** _The dreams keep coming; they're relentless in how they hound me. Always the same: blood, screams, searching for my mom, running from my dad. Why can't they just leave me alone? It's bad enough that I have to talk to Garrett about them, but why do they need to haunt my dreams? I know this is the consequence of all my bad choices. But isn't there a limit to the amount of emotional turmoil the human heart and soul can take? Some days, I doubt I'll ever find the strength to keep going. But then, the sun still rises, and it's a new day._**

 ** _I saw one of the other patients here with his kid. Not sure how old, couldn't have been more than a year or two. I watched as he played with his son. He made it seem so easy. Can it really be that way? Made me think of you and the baby. So many questions flooded my mind. What does the baby look like? How are you? Is the baby walking yet?_**

 ** _Then the fear sets in. Not about being like my dad. I'm starting to see and learn that I'm not him. But more about things like, can I even be a good dad? What do I know about babies or kids? But I'm also scared I won't know how to love the baby. I know what it's like not to feel loved by a parent, Bella. I don't want to be that person._**

 ** _Look at me, rambling about me, when you're out there, doing this whole parent thing on your own. You've always been stronger than me. It was that strength that drew me to you. That and your ass. Was that a bit too much, too soon?_**

 ** _I miss you, Bella. Every fucking day, I think of you. I know there's so much shit we have to wade through, and I have no right to ask for another chance. But, I want you. I want to try and learn how to be a father to the baby. I want us to be together. I want to show you I'm better, and I can do better. I love you, Bella._**

Wiping away a few tears, I closed the purple journal. Feeling spent, I padded off to my room, hoping to dream of Bella instead of blood.

 **A/N: So, a few of you called it about the journal... so smart you all are! A lot of you have asked why he hasn't tried to contact Bella- mainly because in rehab he is there for himself- to focus on his issues. As a substitute for talking to her, he journals letters to her. I hope this chapter shows you just how he feels and what he hopes for them when he returns.**

 **Next week we will have 4 chapters and they will all deal with the night his mom died. While I wont go in great graphic detail, it is very likely still triggering. If you have any questions, please let me know. I think I'll post again on Sunday. Until then, I'd love to know what you think.**

 **WVG**


	140. Chapter 139

**A/N: So many of you wanted to know about Bella- we will get there.. I promise!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **Remember that all this week we will be hearing what happened the night Edward's mom died. Possible triggering subject. Grab your blankies and stuffies.**

EPOV

"I want to try a different tactic today, Edward. Instead of letting you just tell the story, I want to guide you through it."

I looked at Garrett, trying hard to decipher what he meant. "Care to translate all that?"

He chuckled. "I want to take you through that day, step-by-step. My hope is that if we can focus on what happened it may reduce your anxiety."

I barked out a humorless laugh. The idea that I could get through this day with anything less than full-blown panic and anxiety seemed ludicrous. "I think you're crazy, G, but hey, if you think it will work, I'll give it a go."

Garrett nodded at me. "Let's begin. I want you to get comfortable, try to relax, and take slow, deep breaths."

Disbelieving this method was going to work, I gave Garrett a reproachful look, but when he returned it, I did what he asked. I focused on my breathing, slow and even, as I got as comfortable as I could. When I was as ready as I ever would be, I nodded to Garrett.

"Tell me about that morning. What time of year was it? Where was everyone?"

I closed my eyes, picturing the house on that day. "It was summer, school had only been out for a few days. I would be heading to see Carlisle and Esme soon. Mom left a note for me to finish my laundry and start packing. She left to go to work. Dad was still sleeping when I woke."

"Did you do as your mom asked?"

I smiled sadly. "Not really. I took time to play video games while Dad was still asleep. I knew once he woke up, he'd kick me off."

"Tell me about your room on that day."

That made me laugh. "A fucking mess. I had the contents of my locker in one corner, a pile of laundry in another, and just random shit all over. I was procrastinating. I knew I would work on it, but I wanted a few moments of fun."

"You're doing great, Edward. Let's move forward. Your dad is awake. What was it like being home with him while your mom was at work?"

I inhaled sharply, hating what we're so close to talking about. "I tried to stay out of his way. I think it's why my mom gave me so much to do. I didn't want her coming home to extra shit to do, so I cleaned my room and did some laundry."

Looking to face the window, I frowned when I realized it had started to rain, the dreariness outside matching my mood. "He was moody. Woke up complaining that his back hurt, which was nothing out of the ordinary. He popped some pills. He made a few comments that I was a little pussy for doing laundry. I just ignored him, pissed that he never lifted a finger to help Mom out. Yet, on the other hand, I was happy when he left the house shortly after lunch."

"So, were you relieved when you had the house to yourself?"

I nodded. "Yeah, for a few hours, I could breathe."

"What happened to change that feeling?"

"The Cubs lost that day and Dad snapped."

 **A/N: It may help to re-read ch. 43- as that is when Edward told Bella the story about this night... you will see over the course of this week, that there is so much more to it than he was willing to admit to even her.**

 **I'll post again on Monday. Let me know what's on your mind.**

 **WVG**


	141. Chapter 140

**A/N: Ready to keep going?**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta wand. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Mom got home before he did, so we could relax. We made spaghetti." I paused, enjoying the fuzzy memory of us throwing noodles on the wall.

"Tell me what you're seeing, Edward."

I frowned, hated that Garrett broke into what felt like a private moment. There was a part of me that wanted to keep quiet, hating that I had to lay everything bare. Couldn't I keep this small part of my mom to myself? Yet, there was a rational part that understood what Garrett was doing; he wasn't taking my mom from me. He was helping deal with the last day I spent with her so I could finally stop running from it.

"We're flinging noodles on the wall." I look up at him, my eyes narrowing at him, daring him to laugh. There was no laugh, just a smile.

"Checking to see if they were done?"

I could only nod, my throat choked with too much emotion. Only after swallowing around the lump in my throat could I speak. "It was rare we could let go like that. For a short bit, we could be normal. So, when she flung a noodle up there, we laughed. So hard that tears formed. We threw a few more, and it was like the black cloud around us lifted."

I paused. I closed my eyes against the confession that hung on the tip of my tongue. I had only told one other person, and the filth of it felt like a dark stain on my soul. Time to see if confession really was good for the soul.

"I remember telling her how I liked it when it was just the two of us and how I wished he wasn't around. The sad look she gave me broke my heart, G. She looked so defeated. When she said that Dad was sick and needed us, I got mad at her. I told her that I wished he were dead and that I was the one to do it."

The tears I could no longer contain fell. I felt dirty, and I tried to rub it off. My skin crawled, and the urge to vomit made my stomach gurgle.

"It's a common thought, Edward. Many children who were abused wished death on their abuser. To them, it was the only way it would end. It doesn't make you bad; it makes you human."

Garrett's compassion was like a bullet to my fragile psyche. I couldn't deal with the guilt of wishing I could kill my father and the thought that I was just a normal abused child. I didn't want to be a victim or a survivor. I wanted to feel right and clean. Knowing I could be neither of those, I did what I did best- lash out.

"That's the thing, G. I would've done it." I paused, terrified of admitting how bad I wanted to hurt him like I hurt. Yet, at the same time, I needed him understand why I never did. "I was ready to, but my mom told me not to. She begged me not to, told me she didn't want that on my soul. So I promised her and I never broke a promise I made her."

 **A/N: Ohh the truth will set you free Edward... and what a horrible truth he needs to face. I can't wait to see what you all think! See ya on Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	142. Chapter 141

**A/N: Buckle up peeps... the ride is gonna get bumpy. If you rather not have to wait to hear the whole story.. may want to wait till I post Friday and read back to back...**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and Sally for scribbling with her red pen. Any mistakes are mine as I like to tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"What do you mean, Edward? Tell me what happened later."

Unable to sit still, I began to pace Garrett's office. I had to keep moving or I was going to give in to the urge to claw my way out of my skin.

"She hated that I said I wanted him dead and made me promise to never try and make a move on him. I kept asking her why. Ya know? Like why was she _still_ defending him after all the shit he'd put her through? But she wouldn't budge unless I promised her. I tried, G, I really fucking tried."

"I know, Edward. She was just looking out for you." I snorted in disgust.

"It was my job to protect her." I glared at Garrett, daring him to contradict me. He just quirked his brow, letting me know this line of thinking would be tackled next.

Instead, he softly commanded, "What happened, Edward?"

Sighing, I begrudgingly continued. "We didn't hear him come in. We were cleaning up after eating, playing around; throwing bubbles and stuff. It happened all so fast. He wanted to know what was so funny. We tried to explain, but we couldn't stop laughing. He got mad; he pushed Mom asking her if she was making fun of him."

Exhausted from everything, I sank back into the chair. "When he was paranoid like that, all you could do was try and calm him down. I stayed quiet while she talked to him softly, told him we were just playing with the bubbles. She managed to get some space and asked him how the game was. He bitched about the Cubs losing."

I looked at Garrett, trying to make him see I just couldn't go on. I couldn't talk about it. The words felt heavy on my tongue; bile churned in my gut threatening to erupt. "Please," I managed to whine out. I cringed at the pathetic sound of my voice. I once again was that fifteen-year-old boy, begging someone to just make it all go away.

In the blink of an eye, Garrett was kneeling before me; cautiously, he touched my tightly fisted hands. "You're safe, Edward. You're not back there in that house; your dad can't touch you. I want you to take some deep breaths with me. Breath in- three, four, five; now let it out- three, four, five." He loudly sucked in air then blew it out in a whoosh.

Over and over, he did it until my brain engaged, and I began to mimic him. Deep breath in for five counts, blow out for five more. I don't know how long we did that. Long enough that the panic I was entrenched in began to loosen the tendrils it held me in. I was numb, there were no thoughts or feelings in my brain, my body was heavy, yet I felt one gust of wind would knock me down.

"Welcome back." Garrett's words were loud; they bounced in my brain as if he were screaming them through a megaphone. Blinking, I looked up at him. "Now, tell me, what happened, Edward."

 **A/N: Garrett won't stop until the whole story is out there. Friday we get the whole story... Would love to see what's on your mind.**

 **WVG**


	143. Chapter 142

**A/N: Are you ready? Grab your blankies, teddies and kleenex... This will be the longest chapter to date.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta magic. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **Hang tight and I'll see you at the end of it all.**

EPOV

"What the fuck, Garrett?" I bounded out of the chair, a burst of white-hot anger sparking my body into action. "I'm begging you not to go on and all you can do is ask me what happened? Are you really that uncaring? Go to hell!"

I stood there, looking at him, fuming at his audacity.

"Good, get angry, Edward. You need to get angry. But you're not angry with me and you know it. You just can't bring yourself to get mad at the one person you've wanted to get angry with for all these years. So, I'm asking you again, Edward, what happened?"

There was too much truth in his words. "No! No, I refuse to go there. You're about to cross a line, Garrett. Not cool. So, back off!" I was standing toe-to-toe with him, daring him to push me.

Garrett just cocked a knowing smile, and it rubbed me the wrong way. "What did your mom do, Edward?"

That was it, any patience I had snapped, and all I saw was red. He dared to blame my mom, and I wasn't going to tolerate it. Too bad Garrett was more prepared for me that I knew. I went to push him away, needing him to clear my personal space. Quick like lightening, Garrett grabbed my hands, twisted them and me in a way that he was holding them behind my back, and we were on the ground. I struggled, but the more I moved, the tighter he held me.

"Tell me what your mom did, Edward. You've been holding onto it all these years, and you need to be free from it." I struggled, whether it was to free myself from him or to escape a truth I kept buried, I don't know. Over and over I struggled and over and over he kept asking me the same fucking question. It became too much and I exploded.

"She made a snippy remark!" Words roared out of me, fast and furious. The log jam of emotions churning in me broke and I couldn't talk fast enough. "She joked with him. When he got all pissy about the Cubs losing, she patted him on the arm, said it was just a silly game, and laughed. She never saw the fist that was coming. She turned her back to him!"

"He started wailing on her and I jumped on him. I screamed for her to call the cops, but she ignored me. He managed to punch me a few times, but I gave him a few of my own. For some crazy reason, she pulled him off me and told me to take a walk."

I was talking so fast that I was panting. The words were a staccato of rapid-fire words. "I don't know why I listened to her. But I did. I left, went down to the park. I was so pissed at her. Even I knew better than to joke around with him. The last few months, he was so paranoid. Always thinking people were talking about him."

I slumped in Garrett's hold, and he immediately loosened his grip on me, but we never moved from our spots on the floor.

"I had a bad feeling. I didn't like the thought of her being there by herself. I was only gone maybe twenty minutes. I swear that was all, G."

For some inexplicable reason, I needed him to understand.

"I know, Edward. What happened wasn't your fault."

I grunted in disbelief. "It was my job to protect her." I closed my eyes, and that night played like a bad movie behind my closed lids. "The last block, I ran; something didn't feel right. Mrs. Cope, our neighbor, was standing outside in her robe, phone in hand. She told me she called the cops as she heard my mom scream for help. That chilled me. She'd never done that before. My bat was laying in the grass, and I grabbed it. I heard Mrs. Cope tell me not to go in, but I refused to listen. My mom needed me."

Opening my eyes, I turned to look at Garrett. "There was so much blood, and he was standing over her with the knife. I watched as he plunged it into her. I screamed for her, and he turned toward me. I screamed at him, and he just taunted me. His eyes were too wide and wild, they scared the fuck out of me. Told me if I thought I was man enough, I should try and kill him, dared me to, and I froze. I didn't know where to look: at my mom who wasn't moving but was still breathing or him as he walked toward me, or the knife dripping in blood. He was yelling at me, calling me names, telling me I lacked the balls to be a real man." Bile roiled in my gut as tears streaked down my face. Any fight I had left in me evaporated like smoke.

"He was sick, Edward. Not that it makes any of what you went through easier, but your father was a very sick man."

My only reply was to sigh and continue telling him what happened. I couldn't stop talking if I wanted to. "I froze, Garrett. I had a bat in my hand and I froze. I felt so helpless. I wanted to help my mom, but he was standing in the way. I remember making a few swings at him, they never came close, they had no real force, just some pathetic attempts by a terrified kid. He just laughed at me. He ranted and raved; I don't remember most of it. But I do remember that the next time I looked over at my mom, her eyes were open, and they looked so lifeless."

"The cops came; we were so focused on each other we never saw them come in. They took his knife and my bat and got him out of the house. I tried to get to my mom, but they kept me from her, saying that she was already gone. Then I just screamed."

 **A/N: Are we all okay? If you went back and re-read ch 43 you should see the differences in the story... see some of the facts he twisted because he couldn't face them. The main one being he watched his dad stab his mom at least once and that she was still alive for a bit. In ch 43 he told Bella she was already dead when he got back. This is the last of the really heavy chapters. I get to spend the weekend at a hockey tournament... so your reviews will keep me smiling! Next week back to just 3 chapters. See ya Monday!**

 **WVG**


	144. Chapter 143

**A/N: You all survived last chapter. Time to slowly bring his time at rehab to an end.. which means.. we will get back to Bella soon.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta skills. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"That wasn't the last time you saw him, was it?"

I shook my head. "No. His attorney got him a plea deal of twenty-five years, no possibility of early parole. Carlisle, Esme, and I were at the hearing, and through his attorney, he asked to see me. I didn't want to go, but the social worker overseeing my case said it would be good for me to say goodbye. She didn't understand or maybe she didn't care why I didn't want to see him. Esme tried to change her mind, but the state had guardianship of me at the time, so her hands were tied."

"What did he say to you?"

"Even with him in cuffs and behind a window, I felt unsafe. I worried he'd break through it all to kill me. If the cops hadn't been called, I knew he would've gone after me. He asked me why I was such a pathetic son. Told me if I was a real man I would've killed him. I told him to go to hell, and he laughed, saying he'd give me a few years, and I'd turn out like him. He started ranting loudly, and the guards had to haul him away."

"Did you ever tell anyone what he said to you?"

I shook my head. "No, not at first. I just wanted to forget everything. I just wanted to get away from him, the house, away from Chicago. When he died three years later, I was sent his belongings. Carlisle kept most of it away from me, but I snooped in it one night. I was curious. There were a few letters he never sent where he talked about when he got out of jail, he'd come for me and show me how to be a real man."

"Esme found me rocking in my uncle's study, crying and terrified he wasn't really dead. Late that night, I begged Carlisle to burn it all. Even after I watched his words burn, I still never felt free from him."

"Now, do you feel free from him?"

I paused, the questions rolling around. At first, I wanted to say that I'd never feel like I could get away from him. But as I sat there, I realized it had been months since I heard his voice screaming in my head. Puzzled by that revelation, I looked over at Garrett.

"Yes. I don't hear him anymore. I haven't worried about turning out like him for a while now. I never realized that until now."

Garrett smiled then clapped me on the shoulder. "Good! As we talk about the past, confront the issues head on, we soon realize their grasp on our present no longer holds. You did good work today. I'm proud of you. I want you to keep journaling about how you're feeling. But you've made some great leaps forward. Go get some rest."

At the mere mention of rest, I could feel how bone weary I was. I didn't remember the walk to my room, and when I spied my bed, I collapsed onto it, clothes and all, and had my first peaceful sleep in months.

 **A/N: I can just picture him, tired but finally looking as if the entire world isn't sitting on his shoulders. There is still work to be done, but its minor compared to dealing with the death of his mom. It's supposed to be hella cold here the next few days... so I'll be hunkered down trying to stay warm. Reviews will help with that! *winks* See ya on Wednesday!**

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	145. Chapter 144

**A/N: I'm surviving the cold... but every time the dogs want to go out I freeze! LOL**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Whoever said that once you get the heavy stuff out in the open, you're free from your past is a fucking moron. Sure, there's a sense of relief, albeit a small one, that the big issue were out there. But dealing with the consequences of it is far from over. Once I admitted to Garrett and myself that my mom was alive when I came back in the house, it had only added to the sense of guilt I felt. Now, in addition to feeling guilty that I wasn't there for her when my dad killed her, I had to deal with the guilt of my inability to act.

It was grueling, spilling all those toxic feelings and Garrett constantly pushing me to confront those feelings. It was brutal. Garrett making me see the reality of a fifteen-year-old, armed with nothing more than a baseball bat, confronting a grown man with a knife. As much as he was right, it was hard to let go of the guilt. When I asked Garrett why I held onto it for so long, he surmised it was my way of punishing myself. It was easier to take on the guilt than to be angry with my mom, which was a new revelation I was having a hard time with.

But all that was nothing compared to the session when Garrett surprised me with the idea that he wanted to talk about my dad. I already had sessions where I railed against him, the hurt and pain he caused me came out in a flood of screams, tears and too many pages in my journal to count. I was learning how to let go of my anger toward him, but it was so hard. So, when Garrett said he had something to add about him, I was intrigued, and a little more than wary.

"I know we've talked about letting go, and hopefully getting to a place where you might be able to forgive your dad."

I snorted. I still refused to consider the idea that there would come a day I would forgive that asshole, even if it would be good for my soul.

Garrett just smirked at my snort and continued. "To help aid you in that endeavor, there is something I'd like you to consider; that your father was a very sick and mentally ill man. That he wasn't in his right mind when was hurting you and your mom."

"What the fuck, G! You can't be serious? Are you saying that he shouldn't be held responsible for what he did? That he's innocent?" I glared at him, furious for even hinting at the idea that my dad was blameless. "I watched him stab my mom. I saw the blood on the floor and on him. He was guilty."

"Not at all, Edward. I just want you to give thought to there being an underlying condition that caused your father to act the way he did." He paused, waiting to see if I would interject. He took my silence as acquiescence and resumed speaking.

"I think your father was suffering from a TBI, and it had everything to do with how he treated you and your mom."

 **A/N: Many of you have had the same thoughts as Garrett.. kuddos to my smart readers! I should say, I know that TBI is not an excuse, nor does it mean everyone with TBI will act like Edward's father. The next chapter Garrett will go into more detail and so I ask that you hold off until then to say I got it wrong. See ya on Friday!**

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	146. Chapter 145

**A/N: To all those who are not familiar with TBI, Garrett will do a little explanation.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic beta pen. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Do you mind speaking English and not doctor? What is a TBI and what does it have to do with my dad?"

His smile at my irritation deepened the scowl I already sported. I hated when he acted as if he held all the cards. It usually meant I wasn't gonna like what he had to say.

"TBI stands for traumatic brain injury. You had mentioned that when your dad had his accident, a wall fell on him, he sustained a head injury, and he was in a possible coma or unconscious for a few days. Does that sound about right?"

I nodded, curiosity getting the better of me, trying to determine where he could be headed.

"So, do you think we could agree that his head injury wasn't minor? That it was serious?"

Again, I just nodded. I knew he was setting me up for some major emotional bombshell. I got an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. As soon as Garrett revealed whatever he was working toward, I knew I wouldn't be able to unhear it. That it would worm its way into my brain, making me consider it when it came to working on my daddy issues.

"Good. Some of the benchmarks for a TBI are a blow to the head, loss of consciousness, headaches, slurred speech, as well as mood and personality changes. Does any of this sound familiar?"

Too stunned to speak, I just stared at him, a long-forgotten memory surfaced of visiting my dad in the hospital, and how, at times, he had a hard time saying certain words. A cold feeling of dread settled in my gut.

"You have memories of times with your dad before the accident; there was nothing in those memories that would suggest your dad was abusive. Would you agree to that?"

This took more thinking, as I tended to ignore anything that happened pre-accident. But months of therapy have made all sorts of memories surface, and a quick scan of them found that life was much different before he got hurt. He wasn't the most demonstrative of men, but he never laid a finger on me or my mom.

"Yeah, things were much different before the accident."

Garrett nodded. "I also think he was in excruciating pain, and to deal with that he abused the pain meds he was given. Couple that with his excessive drinking, and your father was a mess. His brain injury and addiction to alcohol and meds was a lethal cocktail, which resulted in him taking out his frustrations on you and your mom."

He paused, watching me intently as I tried to absorb all he had said. It completely made me see everything that happened in a new light. My mom always pushed him toward physical therapy, tried to do some at home. There came a point where she would hide his meds, but he always found them or came home with more. Then there were all the times she would tell me that he didn't meant to hurt her, that he wasn't thinking clearly. I took it as she was blaming his actions on being drunk, but maybe she knew more than she told me.

"Is it possible my mom knew what was happening?"

Garrett shrugged. "Hard to tell. TBI wasn't as understood back then as it is now. We also understand the addictive nature of painkillers, and most doctors monitor their use. With your mom's medical knowledge, it could be that she understood he was sick."

 **A/N: I'm not an expert in TBI and I know that most individuals with TBI don't experience as dramatic of personality change as Edward's dad. However, it is a possibility. With that said, I know it doesnt excuse his dad's behavior- just give Edward food for thought. Next week Garrett will help him process this information. Due to a my son having an out of town hockey tournament next weekend, we have to leave Thursday night. This means I'll only post on Monday and Wednesday next week. Would love to know your thoughts. Have a great weekend!**

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	147. Chapter 146

**A/N: Love how you all seem to be back on the Team Edward train... anyone still pissed off at him? We are still with G and Edward talking about his dad and TBI.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for making everything pretty! I tinker so any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

The dread I felt, turned into a sense of anxiety, which wasn't a new sensation. It happened often when my perspective on things changed. "Does this mean he shouldn't have gone to jail?" An unbidden emotion of concern and regret washed over me, and it made me nauseous.

"No, not necessarily. Regardless of injury and addictions, your father had the capacity to understand right and wrong. I suspect he lost his ability for emotional regulation, so when he got angry, he lashed out, which resulted in him abusing you and your mom."

"Could he have gotten help?"

"That is the biggest unknown, Edward. In hindsight, it's a bit easier to connect the dots. Even now, TBI and all its implications are still being researched. I'd like to hope that if his injury had happened today he would've gotten the help he needed to learn how to live with a TBI."

Silence descended in the room, my brain churned all the information, rearranging my thoughts and feelings until I was a jumbled mess. "It's almost too much to take in, G. I don't know what to think or feel. I want to hate him. I want to blame him. But I feel like you're telling me I shouldn't."

Before I even finished, Garrett was shaking his head. "Not at all, Edward. You have a right to how you feel. I know you've struggled with the 'why' of all this, and this was my attempt to help you with that question. It's another piece of information to help you understand and get to a point where you can move past it."

Sighing, I put my head in my hands; a small headache was starting to form, and I was feeling worn out. "Right now, I need to blame him, G. He killed my mom. All of this just seems like one big excuse."

"Or maybe it's a way to make sense out of a very senseless situation. I'm not here to tell you not to blame him but to challenge the idea that your dad was just a plain mean asshole and to consider instead he was just very sick."

 **A/N: Ohh G.. you da man! I forgot to tell you that I posted goodies in my FB group. There are some songs from my playlist AND 2 teasers! Check them out. Next post will be on Wednesday and that will be it for the week. Let me know your thoughts!**

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	148. Chapter 147

**A/N: Soo sorry this is late. Been busy trying to prep for hockey tourney travel AND I messed up my back... so been slow moving. Anywho.. so many of you are anxious about when he gets home and we are close to that. If you've been to my FB, you'll see the teaser that touches on that.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for making sure I have commas. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Wow, that's fucked up, Ed." I laughed at Jasper's rather succinct statement. I had just finished telling him and Alice about Garrett's theory about my dad. I had spent the last few days after that session thinking of nothing but what we talked about. I still hadn't found a way to make sense of it, so it came spilling out when I made my call to them.

"Tell me about it. Rationally, I get what he's saying. I'm just not there yet. I still see him as nothing more than a rat bastard." I scrubbed my hands over my face and wished there was an easy solution to the turmoil going on in my head.

"I get it, Edward," replied Alice. "I wanted to blame just my dad for what happened to my mom. Even though she was an addict too, I pinned blame on him. It took me a while to realize that accepting there were outside forces at work didn't absolve my parents of the choices they made. It didn't excuse them, but it gave me a better understanding of all that occurred."

"When did you get so smart, Ali?"

Her indelicate snort had me laughing. "I've always been smarter than you; you're just now realizing it."

"Whatever," I retorted.

Jasper deftly moved the subject off the heavy shit and started chatting about things at the shop. It was mindless conversation that allowed me to shift my focus off my dad and onto something more pleasant. As Jasper recounted a story about some shop shenanigans, I realized while I missed being at the shop, it was because of the people, not the work. It further solidified the idea that when I got home, there was a strong possibility I wouldn't be going back to the shop to stay.

"Any more information on when you're leaving?" asked Alice.

"I have a discharge planning meeting next week. I guess the date will be set then. From what I heard, it's usually a month or so after the planning meeting. As soon as I know, I promise to call you both."

"Will you be coming to stay with Mom and Dad?"

I sighed; I hated the idea of crowding Esme and Carlisle, but they insisted it was no bother, and everyone was telling me it was better to live with someone and not isolate myself. Plus, the apartment I held had long been given up, so I had limited options for places to live. There was no way I'd live with Alice. Ee'd drive each other nuts and I didnt want to listen to their fucking.

"Yeah. I'm hoping it will be just until I get the feel for being out of this place and more settled. Everyone says the first 30 to 60 days are the hardest. It will be nice not to be alone to start out."

"What about coming back to work at the shop? You know you always have a job." There was no mistaking the longing in Jasper's voice.

"I appreciate that, Jasper. To be honest, I'm not real sure what my work plans are. In fact, I don't know what my plans are on a lot of things. I have ideas; I just don't know what I want." I laughed. "In a lot of ways, I feel like a kid close to turning eighteen and wanting to go out into the world. If I did come back to the shop, it would only be until other plans came together."

"What else are you thinking of doing if it's not working at the shop?" I chuckled at Alice's attempt at being nonchalant.

"Nice try, kiddo. I have a few ideas, I just don't know how realistic they are. I have someone here I'll be talking to and pick their brain. I'm not avoiding the question. I just want to make sure it's an option open to me."

"We get it, Ed. It's nice talking to you. I have to head to the shop, so I give you to Alice. Can't wait until you're back. I miss you."

"Miss you, too." I tried not to listen as he kissed Alice goodbye, but it was hard, and it only highlighted how fucking much I missed Bella.

"So, squirt, is there anything else you want to talk to me about?"

Now it was her turn to laugh. "Way to be subtle, Edward. You know I can't say anything." I sighed, knowing it was true, but I was desperate for anything that had to do with Bella.

"Not even a little bit?" My words were syrupy sweet.

Alice huffed, letting me know she felt stuck in the middle. I stayed silent, knowing if I spoke too much she would shut me down.

"Ugh, fine! All I'll say is there's work to be done here, Edward. Most of which you can't even begin to guess."

"Being kinda cryptic, aren't you?"

"Maybe. I just don't want you to think that things will be sunshine and roses when you get back. There will be stuff you need to deal with when you get home. I just want you prepared."

 **A/N: A lot of questions posed: What idea does Edward have for life after rehab? What was Alice alluding to? We've also got confirmation that he will be leaving soon. This will be the last post for the week.. I have hockey tourney and some drinking to do! Next week, Edward has to face one last hurdle and we'll back to our regular posting schedule. Can't wait to hear what you all have to say!**

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	149. Chapter 148

**A/N: Sorry this is late... it's been crazy trying to get back into the swing of things after the tourney. It was a fun but LONG weekend. The normal 2.5 hour drive took 7.5 due to horrible weather and traffic and then on the way home it took 3.5 due to snow again. My liver took a hit and the kids team placed 7th. Loved all your theories! Next up.. the start of Edward dealing with one last hurdle.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for making sure I have commas. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

As soon as I stepped outside, I raised my face to the sun. The warmth and light felt amazing on my body. Sure, I could walk the grounds, but I was still _at_ rehab. Knowing that I would get a few hours off campus on such a beautiful day made me smile. I had my eyes closed as I soaked up the rays when Marcus pulled up, honking and scaring the shit out of me. I flipped him off as I slid into the passenger seat.

I was so engrossed with feeling the wind in my hair and the sun shining I failed to pay attention to where Marcus was taking me. I was feeling too content to care where we were going. I was almost done with rehab, I felt healthy, and for the first time in a very long time, I was looking forward to things in life with a positive attitude. No longer did I feel as if a dark cloud was following me around.

I felt the car slow down, and it jarred me from my internal musings about life. Looking out the window, my stomach dropped, and the cold fingers of dread filled my veins. My heart began to pound, a beating telling me to run. Swallowing the fear, I turned toward Marcus.

"Why are we here, Marcus?" I failed to keep the accusatory tone out of my question.

"Garrett and I believed there is one final hurdle you need to face, Edward."

"Cut the cryptic shit. Tell me why we are pulling into a cemetery!"

Marcus ignored me, and the fleeting thought that I could jump from his car swirled in my brain. We weren't moving that fast; I would make it I surmised. Yet, just as fast as the thought came, it left, leaving only a morbid curiosity as to what Garrett and Marcus had up their sleeves.

"Trust me, Edward," implored Marcus. I could only nod as I was suddenly inundated with flashes of images from my past. In an instant, I knew where we were headed. Nausea churned my gut while tears gathered in my eyes.

"Marcus, please don't stop." I hated the pathetic way I pleaded with him. "Keep going … please."

"I can't, kid. Ya got to face her eventually. I'm gonna be right by your side." There was nothing but understanding and concern in his words. Inwardly, I was grateful I didn't detect any pity. I don't know what I would've done if I felt he pitied me.

My eyes were glued to the rows of gravestones; gleaming in the bright sun they nearly blinded me. Even if they had, I would know the way to her grave blindfolded. When the car stopped, I was out the door a moment later. Urgency propelled me forwarded; the tears I held at bay fell at long last. When the shiny red marker was just a step ahead of me, I fell to my knees and sobbed.

"I'm so sorry, Momma. I'm so sorry."

 **A/N: Annnnnd how many of ya thought Marcus was bringing him to see the baby? *evil laugh* They're still in Chicago... just saying. This week Edward will deal with the residual issues with his mom. Hankies may be needed. See ya on Wednesday. Would love to hear your thoughts.**

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	150. Chapter 149

**A/N: If you needed a hankie for the last chapter... keep it out for this one.**

 **Love to my ladies: Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

It had been years since I truly cried for my mom. At the funeral, I was still so numb; my brain was still trying to comprehend that in one night, I had gone from two parents to none. Add in that it was my own father who had killed her; it was just a complete mind-fuck. I remember the sun was shining, and I hated it. I longed for clouds and rain to mirror the torment in my heart. Then there was the scent of Esme's perfume. It was sweet, like vanilla, and it sickened me. Where was the soft floral that my mom wore?

When it was all over, I ran to Carlisle's car and just retreated from the noise of life. I had no true memories of packing up my belongings and leaving the only house I knew. The plane ride was a haze of sleep and numbness. Several times in the early months, Carlisle would arrange therapy for me, but when it came time for the appointment, I refused to go. It was six months after she died that I smoked a joint laced with something that made me see colors. The relief from the pain and the emptiness was instantaneous. When the high wore off, I found that I could function normally by smoking weed. I locked up the pain and grief I had as it served me no purpose. As the months melded into years, it was easier to forget than to deal.

Yet, it was hard to deny everything when faced with her name and the numbers that told the story of a life cut far too short. My fingers traced over her name: Elizabeth Anne Masen. When the tears dried, I was left with a gaping hole but also a lessening of the pain and sadness I carried.

"Why did Garrett want you to bring me here?" I didn't need to turn around to know Marcus was behind me; the shadow he cast over me was clue enough.

"When I was nearing the end of my rehab, I had expressed to my therapist how much I wished I could talk to some members of my former platoon. I had discovered that I held a lot of guilt over how a few of them died; that it was my fault I didn't protect them. It was that guilt, among other things, that contributed to me becoming an alcoholic. But they were dead, so I felt stuck. Then he did what I am doing here; he found that one of them was buried locally, and he drove me there."

He paused and moved to crouch next to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed his gaze was firmly locked on my mother's name.

"When we got there, he told me to just start talking. I felt silly and stupid at first, but soon enough, I was talking, crying, ranting, and screaming. You see, as much as I felt guilt, I felt anger. I just didn't think it was an appropriate way to feel. The guy was dead; I had no right to be angry. But we both know there is no right or wrong way to feel, just in how we deal with it."

"And this has to do with me how?"

"You need to let the anger out that you feel toward her, Edward."

I couldn't help but scoff. "That's bullshit, Marcus. I can't be angry at her. She did everything she could to protect me!" I thumped my chest, indignation at the idea that I could be mad at her. "Plus, I've already talked to Garrett about being mad she got snippy that night. There's nothing more."

"Are you sure about that?" he asked softly. "Ask yourself, Edward, did she really do everything she could to protect you?"

Whirling, I glared at Marcus. "You're treading on thin ice, dude. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So back the fuck off."

"I'll back off when you finally admit the truth. You've been pissed off at her since she died. You've just never let yourself admit it."

"Seriously, Marcus, just stop right there. You're crossing a line." My whole body was shaking. The tears had started up again, and the world was nothing but a blurry mess.

Instead of backing down, he moved closer to me, his eyes bored into mine.

"I'm not leaving you, Edward. But she did. She left you alone. She stayed with that sick fuck of a dad. She's gone, and she's never coming back."

Pain like I had never felt stabbed me with each word. It reverberated in my soul to the point that all I could do was scream out in fury, pain, grief, and then eventually in rage. I screamed and screamed at Marcus until I turned to face the headstone and her name eternally carved in stone.

I moved before the thought entered my mind. My fists beat at the words. Anger like I'd never known poured out of me. I screamed at her for leaving me, for not leaving him so that we could be safe. I asked why so many times that my voice became hoarse with all my yelling and pleading with her to come back to me. Time passed, but it held no meaning. When there was nothing left in me, the anger had finally abated, and I was left with just feeling empty. Not ready to leave, I sat there, letting the wind blow around me as good memories of her played in my head and filled my heart. As I sat there, I realized there was no answers to the myriad of questions I had, but I couldn't let the 'why's' and 'what-ifs' control me. I had to find a way to move forward without the answers. Feeling as content as I had ever felt about my mom's death, I kissed her headstone and told her I loved her.

When I, at last, looked up from her headstone, it was then that I noticed Marcus was true to his words. He never left my side.

 **A/N: Anyone care to guess what TV show from the 2000's inspired this scene? Edward finally let out the one piece of anger he held in, anger that she left him alone. Next will be processing it all with Garrett. Until Friday, care to let me know what you're thinking?**

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	151. Chapter 150

**A/N: HUGE shout out to silverpieces who was the only reader to correctly guess the inspiration for last chapter. I used a episode of Charmed (S4 E3)- check it out!**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her beta pen. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"At first, it felt wrong to be so angry with her. In my mind, she did nothing but try and protect me my whole life. How could I possibly be mad at her for that?"

Sitting across from me, Garrett nodded. "Seems reasonable. So, what finally got you to realize the anger you've held?"

The answer was easy to confess. "Marcus reminded me of the fact that she died and left me alone. I remembered there was one day, shortly after I came to Minnesota, I was sitting in my room and I was thinking of her, and I felt so pissed off. I had thought it was at my dad, but kneeling there in the grass at her headstone, I had to finally admit I was angry that she left me." A few stray tears trailed down my face. In the days after the cemetery, I felt that all I did was cry. I knew it was because I was finally grieving the loss of my mother but, man, did I feel like a pussy.

"You've held on to a lot of anger when it came to your mom, Edward. At first, it was anger that she made a mistake that lead to her death, and then lastly, it was anger that you were left alone with questions only she could answer. These are all normal thoughts and feelings, but if we hold on to them, they fester."

There was a lull in the conversation while I gathered my composure. In the quietness, a question popped into my head.

"How come you had Marcus take me instead of you? He told me it was his therapist who took him to deal with his issues."

"Are you saying you would've preferred me over Marcus?"

I laughed but gave no answer. Instead, I gave him just a quirk of my brow, letting him know I expected an answer.

"Sometimes, as a therapist, the best thing I can do is nothing. There is no doubt that, had I taken you, I could've gotten you to release the anger you were hiding from. But Marcus has real-life experience. He understands the right way to push in situations like this. Plus, had he told me he didn't think he could do it, I would've taken you."

I nodded; it made sense. I think of Marcus more as a friend, someone to talk to who understands me and what I'm going through. While Marcus could get into my head, it wasn't anything like the rummaging Garrett did.

"How do you feel about your mom now?"

I sighed, closing my eyes to picture her. She looked young, free from stress. The green eyes and slightly lopsided smile that I got from her looking back at me. She reminded me of warmth, safety, and love.

"Miss her like crazy, but there is a sense of peace in knowing she's free from all the crap that happened to her. Best of all, I realized she's always with me."

 **A/N: Don't know about you.. but I think Edward has come such a long way. Next week we see Edward finish up rehab... ya know what that means... Bella isn't too far behind! Can't wait to hear your thoughts! Have a great weekend, I'll see you on Monday!**

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	152. Chapter 151

**A/N: So many of you are anxious about Edward finding out about the baby... and we're ever so close. This week starts the wrap up of rehab.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving her beta wand. Any mistakes are mine as I tinker.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

I entered the conference room with a trickle of anxiety tumbling through my veins. I knew nothing bad was going to happen, in fact, just the opposite. It was just the thought that at the end of the meeting, I was one step closer to being released. It was equal parts exciting and terrifying.

"Why do you look like you want to puke, Edward?" Marcus' large hand smacked my back as he laughed and found a seat at the large round table.

"Do I really look that bad?" I grimaced at the idea of vomiting.

Marcus just laughed harder. I had to suppress the urge to flip him off as several more people entered the room. I was left with only giving him the stink eye, which only made his smile widen.

A tall brunette sat in the seat next to me and held out her hand. "Edward, I'm Heidi, the discharge planning coordinator. It's my job to make sure all the parts of your discharge are in place before you leave." Her handshake was firm, her smile pleasant.

"Nice to meet you, Heidi."

She sat down and opened the file folder she was carrying. Looking around and seeing whatever it was she was looking for, she called the meeting to order. She dialed into the phone in the center of the table. "Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, are you there?"

"Yes, we are." I smiled at the sound of Esme's voice. I had missed it and her so much.

"Good, then let's get going. Today's meeting is to set the discharge plan for Edward Masen. I'll go around to each person, and you can give your recommendations to the group. Dr. Biers and Bree, you oversaw Edward's physical needs. What are your recommendations?"

Bree smiled at me before she spoke. "Edward has been discharged from my care for several months now. However, I would recommend that he work with a personal trainer to help regain muscle tone and as a physical outlet."

Dr. Biers advised that I see my regular doctor within thirty days to get a physical and get a referral to see a pulmonary specialist to check lung functions. Upon release, I would have a CD with all my medical records not only from Lakewinds but the hospital.

"Jake, as Edward's group leader, what do you propose?"

"It would be in Edward's best interest to participate in an outpatient aftercare program. Healing Spirit is close to where Edward will be living, and they have a ten to twelve-week program. A referral has been made but, I haven't heard back if he's been accepted."

"I can help follow up on that for you, Jake." Heidi scribbled something on the paper in front of her.

"Thanks. Also, I'm going to suggest that Edward do 90 meetings in 90 days once he's discharged."

My eyes widened at this. I had heard this was a possibility. I had always thought it was for those people they thought had a high risk for relapse. Jake was looking at me as he spoke. "This is pretty common, Edward. Being out in the real world can be a bit disorienting, so having a place to go to talk is a big help." I nodded, still feeling a bit stunned.

Heidi made a noted and moved on. "Garrett, what do you want to add?"

"I've spoken to Edward about continuing therapy, at least for a little while once discharged to help process the change and other issues that may still be outstanding. I've made a referral to a provider I think will work well with Edward. His first appointment will be a week after he is home." Heidi nodded as she scribbled notes.

"Lastly, Marcus, what are your thoughts?"

"I agree with Jake on the 90 in 90, and I've also talked to Edward about finding a sponsor within thirty days. The additional support will be beneficial." As much as I hated the idea of letting another person into my business, I knew isolation added to my risk of relapsing, and that just wasn't a possibility I was willing to entertain.

The rest of the meeting was spent confirming with Esme and Carlisle that I had a place with them. They surprised me by saying they've begun attending Al-Anon meetings so they can better support me and them in my recovery. My voice crackled with too much emotion as I thanked them.

"What about you, Edward? What plans do you have?"

I had only spoken to one person about what I was thinking, and she was looking at me with a meaningful smile. "My friend Jasper is letting me work in his auto shop. I worked there before. But that's only temporary as I'll be applying to attend Normandale Community College in the fall. I want to study sports medicine."

There were collective gasps of surprise followed by many exclamations of joy and support. For the first time, I felt as if my life had direction.

 **A/N: We have a job idea! YAY! Most of the discharge plan for Edward is standard procedure. I've been through this process a few timed with clients. Rest of the week will be last session with Garrett. See ya on Wednesday. Reviews are love!**

 **WVG**

 **P.S. Check out the FB group.. I posted a teaser!**


	153. Chapter 152

**A/N: All of you seemed to love Edward's post rehab plans... they will be a good source of support. Rest of this week will be his last session with Garrett.. I hope you find it as enlightening as I want it to be.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her red pen magic. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Has it sunk in that you'll be home shortly?"

I shook my head at Garrett. "Not in the least. I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up and find that I'm in jail or dead. It's all kinda surreal to me."

"That's a common feeling. Life in rehab is structured, with support and guidance. Leaving can be quite jarring for someone. They make the mistake of doing too much too fast and forget to make sure they are aware of what's going on with them in the present."

I nodded. Everyone was cautioning me to take it a day at a time.

"I thought for our last session, we'd talk about you and Bella." He paused to see if I would react.

"What about us?" I was curious as to where he would go. Plus, I wanted to talk about Bella. The thought that I would be so close to her was creating a mess of conflicting emotions within me.

"Give me your dream, worst, and reality."

I chuffed, not foreseeing he would take that specific line of thought. It was something Jake often did in group when people were worried about a certain situation or had a rather large decision to make. It was beneficial as it allowed you to focus on more than one possible outcome in the hopes that what ends up happening isn't much of a shock.

I smirked at Garrett. "I bet you thought you'd catch me off guard. But I've done a lot of thinking on this exact subject."

"Well then, dazzle me with your thoughts," quipped Garrett as he returned my smirk with one of his own.

"Worst case; she wants nothing to do with me. Doesn't even want me around the baby, and I end up being relegated to nothing more than a sperm donor." My chest tightened at the thought. It was one thing to think it, an entirely different beast to say it out loud. It was the one scenario that plagued my dreams.

"How does that option make you feel?"

"Sad and like I failed."

"Who would you have failed?"

"Bella, but more importantly, the baby. I'll be this shadow of a thought in their life, which could be filled with anger, resentment, and pain. I don't like the idea of causing my kid pain."

Garrett smiled at me. "You truly have come a long way, Edward." I must've given him a perplexed look; his smile grew wider before he answered my unspoken question. "I think that's first time you've ever said 'my child'."

I looked outside and smiled, maybe I've come further than I thought.

 **A/N: On Friday we will see the continuation of this conversation. I'd love to know what you think so far. Reviews are love and I could use a little smooch!**

 **WVG**


	154. Chapter 153

**A/N: So many of you anxiously awaiting 'that moment', we're getting close- just got a few other things to get through. Hang tight peeps.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magical beta pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"What about the other two possibilities?"

I turned away from my inner musings to Garrett's reminder that we weren't quite finished.

"My dream scenario? That's easy. She welcomes me back with open arms, and when I see the baby, there will be a click. A recognition or spark that unearths some primal part of me that says, ahhh, I know how to be a dad to you." I smiled at the dream I've had many times, the feel of Bella's arms as she welcomes me back home. "Bella has always been so strong and understanding. She has put up with more of my shit than she should. Yet, despite it all, she still loved me. She is more than I deserve, but she is all that I want, G."

"So, in this dream of yours, she's waited for you, for over a year for you to come back to her?"

"Yeah, I know it's a pipe dream. But Jake is always saying to shoot for the moon when thinking up your dream scenario. You might be able to work up to it."

Garrett nods. "Makes sense. Jake is a smart guy. What's the more realistic reaction you'll get from her?"

"That she'll be pissed at me, but deep down, she will still love me, even if she won't admit it at first. I'll have to work hard to earn her trust and respect and maybe even win her love all over again. I'll have to prove to her that I want her _and_ the baby and that I'm ready to learn how to be a dad."

"Is that something you're willing to do? To work hard and show her that you've changed?"

I was nodding before he finished asking the question. "Most definitely."

"In this realistic world, are you considering the possibility that even after all this work, she may still say it's not enough?"

My heart dropped to my stomach. It was a possibility that had me stressing like no tomorrow. I had nightmares of Bella walking out of my life. It was the one persistent thought that hung like a dark cloud over my head.

"I have, but I also know that I love Bella, and I need to try. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to us to try and prove I belong with her."

 **A/N: There ya have it- the other two. Yes, they were generic.. but its meant to be that way, so much of what will happen is all up in the air, so he can't get too detailed. Hockey season is over for my kid so I hope to get some more writing done on this. I can tell you that in 2 weeks we will have ExB contact... So hold on, we're getting there. Until Monday, let me know your thoughts! Have a great weekend!**

 **WVG**


	155. Chapter 154

**A/N: Time for Edward to say goodbye to rehab. In case your wondering, its early June, he's been gone little over a year.**

 **Much love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for making it shine. I tinker so any mistakes are my own.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Graduating from rehab was a low-key affair. There was no huge ceremony or celebration, just a simple gathering of people. I was one of three people who was leaving Lakewinds in the next few days. Esme and Carlisle came down to help take me home. Marcus came to wish me well and remind me that I could call him for anything. The biggest surprise was seeing Jane. It seemed that Carlisle called her to tell her I was graduating and invited her to see me off.

"It's so nice to see you, Jane." I stuck my hand out, to which she rolled her eyes. Instead, she grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a hug.

"No need to be formal, Edward. You're not my patient. I'm so proud of you."

Her words washed over me, bringing with them a sense of accomplishment. As she pulled back to regard me, words I never knew I needed to say bubbled forth.

"Thank you, Jane. I think you, no … I know you saved my life." She began to shake her head, but I continued speaking. "It's true. I know, without a doubt, that had you not inserted yourself into my business, I wouldn't be here. As soon as I was released from the hospital, I would've been right back at it, and most likely I would be dead by now."

The rightness of the words settled in my gut. It took me by surprise how truthful they were and how much I owed Jane my life. "Thank you, Jane." My voice cracked with too much emotion.

Jane smiled, her blue eyes crinkling. "I may have pushed you toward Lakewinds, but you didn't have to do the work. That was all you. My job was just to give you a different path to take; you didn't have to walk it. I'm so happy you did. There is so much more life for you to live."

This time, when she said the words, I believed them.

 **A/N: Aww... we got to see Jane one last time! Now he's headed home. I know this is HE question on everyone's mind... when will we hear from Bella... that will be next week... Patience my sweets! See ya on Wednesday. Would love to hear your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	156. Chapter 155

**A/N: So many of you were happy to see Jane. I thought it was a fitting way to say goodbye to her.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her mad beta skills. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

 _Dear Bella,_

 _I was recently reminded how life is nothing but a series of choices and decisions that we need to navigate. Looking back, I can see how I made so many wrong ones with you. So many times, I chose to run, to leave you behind, and I know I hurt you each time I did. I also know that I must've made some great choices, because they led me to you. No matter what happens when I return, I would never regret those choices. You will always be the best part of my life._

 _As the miles count down toward coming back home, I find myself reminiscing. So much so, I made Carlisle take a little detour. I had to see the sight of the crash. I still had no real memory of it, just blurry flashes that were too wispy to hold onto. When we got there, I was struck with how ordinary it looked. The grass I tore up had grown back; there were no twisted pieces of metal or glass. The only proof I could find that my life at one time was hanging by a thread in that very spot was a gouge in the tree that I hit. I felt its rough texture and felt awed and humbled. I watched as both Esme and Carlisle bowed their heads, tears dripping from the faces reminded me that my choices had consequences for others. We hugged, grateful that I was still alive and breathing._

 _There were so many horrible choices I made that led me to that very spot. So, it seemed fitting that it was that same spot where I vowed to make better ones for you. I had spent the last eight months making choices for me; it was time I worked toward you. I'm hours away from arriving in the Cities, and all I can think about is that I'm finally coming home to you._

Putting the purple journal down, I turned toward the window of the car. I had lost my driver's license somewhere in my drug-induced fog and therefore unable to fly back home. Both Esme and Carlisle assured me that they didn't mind the six-hour drive. It gave us a chance to chat and reconnect. It also gave me too much time to think about Bella and the millions of ways our eventual reunion could go. If there was still a chance she loved me, I was going work my ass off to prove to her we belonged together.

 **A/N: Seems Edward, like all you dear readers, have Bella on the brain. We will get to her... I promise... next week. Friday he is back at home. Would love to know whats on your mind!**

 **WVG**


	157. Chapter 156

**A/N: Thanks for being awesome readers! *mwah***

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for doing her thing! I tinker, any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Edward!" Alice came bounding straight for me the second I was out of the car. I swung her around, smiling at her squeal. I held her tight, trying to convey how much I loved her and was sorry for all I put her through. Her answering squeeze told me she understood.

"So happy to see you, Al. I've missed you!" She kissed my cheek, and just like that, I knew I was forgiven. It felt undeserved, but I had learned that it was her choice to forgive me, and I needed to be grateful for the second chance it granted me.

"Let the poor guy breathe, Alice." Jasper's gentle chiding had Alice pulling back. Her eyes shining with tears, but her lips curved into a beaming smile.

"Oops, sorry." She let go of me, and I ruffled her bubblegum pink hair before I turned to face a bemused Jasper. I held my hand out to him, but he waved it away. Instead he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. We've only had a handful of calls while I was in rehab. He was a man of few words, but I knew he had said all he needed to say. In his mind, it was time to move forward.

"Welcome home, man," he stated. His hug reminded me of our friendship and how much I missed it. He had always been there, and when life got too much for me, I shut him out. I vowed to do better by him.

"Thanks. It feels great to be home." We separated and his warm smile settled the last few nerves I had.

I looked over to where Esme was watching the reunion, her face split into a wide grin. It was easy to see how ecstatic she was to have me home and back with those who loved me. It was easy to smile back at her, letting her see just how happy I was to be standing among them all.

 **A/N: So he is home! YAY! We're entering what I think of as part 3. He's home and that means we will be hearing from Bella soon. In Part 3 we will get both POV as I think of this part as THEIR story. I may not switch every other chapter.. sometimes I may stick with one POV for a few chapters before switching. Have a great weekend and I'll see ya on Monday. I'd love it if you'd tell me what you're thinking.**

 **WVG**


	158. Chapter 157

**A/N: Well.. my daughter had her first dance comp of the season.. they did pretty well for being the first comp and with how recently they finished learning the dances.**

 **Love to my ladies: Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic beta wand. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

They threw me a huge welcome back feast. The table in front of us was loaded down with all my favorite foods, and we all dug in with relish. The noise in the room was full of laughter and conversation as they all stumbled over themselves to catch me up.

Jasper told me that he stored my bike while I was gone and that it was going to take some work to get it running again. I had caused some pretty extensive damage the night I left. He would have it brought to the garage where I could work on it when not busy. He told me that he had a few new guys he thought I would work well with.

Alice kept pestering me about adding some ink, and when I finally admitted I had some ideas, she was beside herself. We spent dessert talking about my ideas and designs. Jasper laughed when Alice tried to use chocolate smears to illustrate something.

My heart felt so full seeing my family, finally feeling that I was a part of it, no longer an outsider or interloper. Several times, I could tell they were avoiding mentioning Bella in their stories. I appreciated their concern. As much as I wanted her at the table with us, I knew our reunion needed to be a bit more planned out. There was too much to talk about, to work through, before we were one happy group. Pushing thoughts of Bella to the side, I focused back on the merriment in front of me. I found myself echoing Jasper's words in my head; it really was nice to be home.

 **A/N: Yes, I know.. I know... its a small chapter AND it has no Bella in it... I promise next chapter we will hear from her... in a way... *insert evil author laugh* See ya Wednesday, until then, I'd love to know what you're thinking!**

 **WVG**


	159. Chapter 158

**A/N: I know you're not reading this... you just want the chapter... hehehe**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen who pre-read and Sally for her beta skills. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

The next day dawned with the sun shining in my eyes. For a moment, I panicked, thinking I had overslept and was late to a group. It took a few minutes for my mind to remember that I was no longer at Lakewinds. It was disconcerting to think that my life was no longer regimented. For close to a year, I had a schedule to follow and expectations to uphold. Now, back at home, my time was my own, and I hadn't the foggiest idea what to do with it.

I had four days before Jasper expected me start on Monday. My first appointment with Emmett wasn't until Tuesday, and I wouldn't be able to start attending aftercare groups at Healing Spirit for over a week. The house was quiet when I padded down to the kitchen. A note on the fridge told me Carlisle would be at the church in the morning and then making house calls in the afternoon. Esme was gone running errands and would be back after lunch. It was easy to see what Marcus meant by being home would be an adjustment.

Hating the idea of being idle, I decided I needed a new routine, or at least one for the next few days. I threw some of my laundry in the wash and then went for a run. When it had finally warmed up in Chicago, Seth and I would often jog the grounds as a way to release pent-up anxiety and energy as well as stay in shape. It wasn't a long run, but it was enough to make me sweat and work up an appetite.

The rest of my morning was spent around the house, cleaning up and organizing my room. With no car to drive until Monday, I made a list of places I would ask Esme to take me when she got back. She called when I was folding laundry, and she promised to take me the next day. She informed me that she wouldn't be back until later and asked me to start the roast at noon.

I was in a comfy chair in the living room, music was playing, and I was reading when the phone rang. Thinking it was Carlisle returning my earlier call, I answered without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello, Cullen residence." I smiled at the familiar formal greeting Carlisle drilled into me to use. At the other end there was a gasp and then silence. I waited a beat before saying hello again a few more times.

Then I heard, "Edward?"

I would know the owner of that voice anywhere, it was a part of my every thought.

"Bella?"

 **A/N: Yesss... I know.. I'm evil... a cliffie... well..get used to them.. cuz the next several chapters are gonna end in them! But hey... we're close to what you all want! See ya Friday! Let me know how much ya hate me.. haha *mwah***

 **WVG**


	160. Chapter 159

**A/N: Sooo sorry this is late... its been a long and crazy day.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally who makes the commas cooperate. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Silence descended on both ends of the line. Although, with the way my heart was furiously beating, I worried it would be easily heard by her. My mind was simultaneously blank and filled with too many words and questions. What was I to say to her? I had been gone from her life for over a year. Sorry, how ya doing and what ya doing were all too inadequate. Yet, as the silence stretched, bringing with it tension I knew I had to say something.

"Bella, it's me." It was lame, but it was better than nothing. The silence from the other end was broken by her sobs, and with it, my heart cracked.

"Please don't cry," I pleaded. The words were automatic. It always killed me when she cried, even more so when I was the cause of her tears. The need to care for and comfort Bella was like second nature, even after being gone so long.

The derisive snort I heard took me back. "I think you've lost the right to act that way with me, Edward." As much as I tried to prepare myself for her anger, it was nothing like the real thing.

"I meant no disrespect, Bella …" Before I could say any more, she spoke as if she hadn't heard me at all.

"Pretty damned presumptuous of you to feel you can just pick up where you left me." The accusatory tone of her words was all warranted. "Don't you think there were more important things to say or ask?" There was such hardness in her words, my heart clenched, but I reminded myself she had reason for her bitterness.

"There are many important things I need to say and ask, I know that. This whole conversation wasn't planned so I'm at loss for what I should say. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to know anything and everything you're willing to tell me about you … and the baby."

"Do you really, Edward? Do you think you can handle the truth?"

"I do," I answered softly. "One day, I hope you'll let me see the baby."

"You want to see the baby, Edward?" There was a note of hysteria in her voice. It caught me off guard. Gone was the anger, and instead, there was this sense of manic exasperation. "If you want to see the baby, Edward, meet me at 2145 Edgewood in Bloomington. I'll be down the hill." She hung up, and I was left wondering if us being together was nothing more than a pipe dream.

 **A/N: Like I said... its cliffie city... I think it takes a strong person to take their deserved lumps... I think Edward is trying and that merits some credit. Yes, they have a long way to go... It's gonna be snowmagedon round 42197713 tomorrow... 6-10 inches of what they call heart attack snow.. heavy and wet.. I need spring. But it will be a perfect day to try and write. Next week you're gonna need blankies and kleenex... the supplies are over to the right... cuddles on the left. Until Monday, leave me love...**

 **WVG**


	161. Chapter 160

**A/N: Are ya all strapped in? Ride is gonna get a bit bumpy.**

 **Love to my ladies Carmen and Dawn who loved these next few chapters and Sally for making it shine. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

What she had left unsaid was that she expected me at that address ASAP, and I was going to do everything within my power to comply. I was still alone in the house, and there was no way I wanted Jasper or Alice to accompany me to my first meeting with Bella. From her reactions on the phone, we needed to do this one on one; it was up to us to say what needed to be said.

Not wanting to waste a minute, I called a cab and was assured it would be there in ten minutes. When it arrived, I was inside the cab and on my way to see her within minutes. As the cab sped off, I spaced out as my mind replayed the entire phone call. It was filled with so many emotions between the silences and words. I was also realizing just how big of an uphill climb I had regarding Bella. Reality of the situation far exceeded what I thought it would be like, but I knew I only had myself to blame.

I was lost deep in my thoughts as the scenery flew by outside the cab, and I paid it no attention. Instead, I was trying to figure out what it would be like to see Bella for the first time in over a year. Anxiety and anticipation roiled in my gut. I tried to rehearse what I would say, how I would act, even what I thought Bella would say, but there were just too many questions and not nearly enough answers. Eventually, I settled on letting Bella take the lead.

Feeling I had determined the best course of action, I became aware that the cab had slowed down. I'd barely gotten my bearings when the driver asked, "Is that who you're meeting?" Looking out the window, there was Bella, and my vision was tunneled straight onto her. Hastily, I threw money at the driver and stumbled out the door. I barely registered the cab driving away, my eyes were locked on Bella's frame. In slow motion, I watched as she turned to face me. My heart thumped wildly in my chest, and the urge to run and scoop her into my arms threatened to overwhelm me. The only thing that kept me rooted to where I stood was the look in her eyes. There was pain, so much of it. It was the same type of pain I saw in the mirror the first few months of rehab. Her body was curled inward like it carried the weight of the world.

"Did I do this to you, Bella?" The words were nothing but a mere whisper to myself. I knew my actions caused pain, I saw it in Esme and Carlisle's eyes, and heard it in Alice's voice. But the pain in Bella's eyes was enough to make me want to fall to my knees and crawl to her. My earlier meal gurgled in my stomach as I fought the urge to vomit at seeing the true depth of her suffering.

Without even realizing it, my feet started to carry me over to where Bella watched me. Her eyes slowly assessing me, and I knew she would find me lacking. I knew I was coming to her with nothing more than the truth and heartfelt apologies. With each step that drew me closer, I had to fight my growing panic. There were so many unknowns as to how this would all play out; it was downright frightening.

When I was mere inches from Bella, several things registered in my brain simultaneously; the breeze that stirred Bella's hair and brought with it the familiar and comforting scent of her strawberry shampoo, the sun beating down on my face, and the awareness that we were standing in a cemetery.

 **A/N: Dun.. dun... duuunnnnn... So many of you called this. I do want to give a shout out to the reader (so sorry I can't remember who you are) who called this like a million chapters ago... I so wanted to high five you.. Next chapter Edward finds out and we learn the baby's name. I have her initials posted in my FB group if you want to take a peek and maybe guess. I can't wait to hear what you have to say! See on Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	162. Chapter 161

**A/N: Are we all strapped in... here's what you've all been waiting for...**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and telling me this was the only way and to Sally for her beta wand and telling me this made her cry. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 ***hankie warning***

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

Frantically, I looked around only to be confronted by rows and rows of orderly headstones. The panic I felt was automatically replaced with a lump of cold dread.

"Bella?" Her name was part question and part prayer.

Her only reply was to turn on her heel and walk away. Once again, the unspoken command was that I would follow her. I'm sure she didn't mean it as a metaphor for any relationship we may have, but I was more than willing to follow her. I knew it was the least I owed her.

Yet, as I took that first step, the questions started. Why did she want to meet here? Why did I feel as if nothing good would come from getting wherever she was taking me? With each step, the dread grew; it went from a lump in my gut to a heavy stone upon my heart. I was awed by the determination in Bella's strides, while I felt clumsy, and I had to fight the urge to run in the opposite direction.

When Bella finally stopped, she kept her back to me. Conflicting emotions warred within me. I wanted to scream at her to yell at me, but then I wanted to be quiet in the hopes it would stave off whatever horrible truth she was going to reveal. I had to force my feet to take the final few steps. My gaze was planted firmly on Bella's hair. I tried to get lost in how the sun brought out the red in her hair or how, if I breathed deeply, there was still the faint smell of berries on the wind.

"Bella, please." I wasn't above begging. The need to have her say something, anything, was paramount.

"You wanted to meet the baby, Edward. Well, here she is." She gestured downward, but my eyes stayed riveted on her hair. Denial and confusion bubbled into my throat, clogging it with emotion I wasn't prepared to feel or deal with.

Against any will of mine, my head turned, and my eyes followed Bella's arm that was still pointed downward. I didn't want to see; there was nothing waiting for me but chaos unlike I never knew existed. I closed my eyes, unwilling to confront the truth that awaited me. My hesitation must've been noticeable to Bella, her angry words pierced my heart like millions of needles.

"Look at her, Edward!"

I opened my eyes and read the words that would crush what remained of my tattered heart.

 _Hailey Danielle Masen-Swan_

 _May 29, 2017_

 _Held in our arms for thirteen hours, forever loved in our hearts._

I fell to my knees as sobs poured out from deep in my chest. My eyes tried to stay glued to the words, burning them forever into my psyche. When my tears began to blur them from my sight, I crawled over to the dark gray stone and ran my fingers over the engraving. It was indelible proof of a truth I was still grappling with understanding.

Time ceased to have meaning as I cried and swam in an ocean of regret, guilt, and grief. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered where Bella was and why she was so silent. Wrenching my eyes from my daughter's name, I looked over my shoulder, only to find I was all alone. Bella was nowhere to be found.

 **A/N: So we have a name (many of you were close over in the FB group), he knows, and Bella ran. Are we still ok? Next chapter will will still be with Edward. Let me know what's on your mind.**

 **WVG**


	163. Chapter 162

**A/N: Many of you had mixed feelings about Bella... rightfully so... shall we see what Edward is up to?**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for her magic red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **Keep those blankies and kleenex handy**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

From deep inside, I knew I needed to get up, that I couldn't lay on the ground forever. Yet the thought of leaving Hailey all alone made me want to vomit. When I was finally standing, I looked to see if Bella had really left me alone. When she was nowhere to be found, I could do nothing but sigh in resignation. Eventually, I took a step and then one more and then another. Over and over, I just kept taking one step after another. In a daze, I wandered; there was no place I needed to go, and no place I wanted to go to. Instead, my mind was busy spitting out question after question.

 _What happened to the baby?_

 _Did my leaving cause her death?_

 _Why did no one tell me?_

 _If I would've stayed, would she still be alive?_

Each question brought a fresh wave of guilt. It was crushing me, threatening to pull me under and drown me. There was no fight in me to try and swim. There was nothing but numbness. I was lost in my own mind, torturing myself with what-ifs. My feet walked, carrying me places unknown, until I found myself on a street corner.

Traffic moved before me, temporarily bringing me to the present. With new grief-filled eyes, I looked around to gain my bearings, if only to determine where I was and where I should go. As I turned around, neon lights blinded me while a door opened and out tumbled all too familiar sights and sounds. Laughter and the stale smell of cheap beer filled my senses. From deep down came a longing so ancient and familiar, my mouth watered. I knew in less than a hundred steps, I could find oblivion, relief from the reality that surrounded me. Each time the door opened, I inhaled, drawing in the comforting smell. A small voice reminded me of how easily I could make everything go away. Temptation was staring me in the face.

Stupefied and paralyzed with want as I stared at the door to the bar, I never saw the little kid who was barreling down the sidewalk. I vaguely heard someone shout out, "Watch where you're going!" But I don't know who said it. I do know that when that kid bounced off me, it forced my attention onto him and not the bar I desperately wanted to enter. That kid gave me a few precious moments that allowed clarity to enter, so I could reach into my pocket and pull out my phone.

With shaking hands, I found the name of the one person I knew I could count on. As I listened to the ringing, my eyes drifted back to the bar, and I wondered if there would be any harm in just one drink. I licked my lips in anticipation just as the call was picked up.

Unable to wait for a greeting, I blurted out, "Marcus, help me. I'm standing outside a bar."

 **A/N: Ohh snap I just did that! *evil writer laugh* Does it help you to know that 2 out of the 3 chapters next week are BPOV? I can't wait to see you all think! Have a great weekend!**

 **WVG**


	164. Chapter 163

**A/N: So many of you were proud of Edward for not drinking! I am as well.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for adding all the commas. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

It was all too much. From the moment I heard his voice, I was a riot of colliding emotions. Most of them contradictory. I wanted to scream and then cry when he asked about the baby. It was like he nicked the edge of a fresh scab. I felt a surge of anger, white hot and explosive. Yet, the second he stepped out of the cab, I wanted him. Lust coursed through my veins, it filled me with an ache and longing I hadn't felt in over a year.

As I walked him to the all too familiar patch of grass, lust gave way to grief and then anguish. Each step brought forth a new emotion that I couldn't he said my name, part prayer and plea, I snapped. I held no rational thought. I knew he wasn't looking at the marker that haunted my nightmares. After I demanded he look and heard his pained cry, my heart shattered.

His cries swirled in the wind. They washed over me, and like the coward I was, I couldn't look. Instead, I stood as he cried, fighting the urge to clasp him to my chest or beat the ever-living shit out of him. Somewhere, a voice in me told me to look, that I needed to see with my own eyes that our daughter's headstone affected was the biggest mistake I ever made.

He was on his knees, fingers tracing over her name. There was such a haunting keening noise coming from him. Bile rose and I had to force it down. I had reduced a man I had thought was so strong to a quivering ball on the grass. I could see his tears, and the sight of them stirred long-forgotten feelings. It was all too much. So, I ran.

It was probably risky for me to drive away, but I couldn't stay there any longer. Seeing his grief confused me. I didn't know what to make of it. Seeing _him_ roused up memories I didn't want to examine. So, I pushed them down and drove as fast as I could. I had no destination in mind; I just drove while tears streamed down my face. In some part of my brain, I realized driving around wasn't helping and was getting more dangerous by the minute. I knew in my current state there was only one person I could talk to.

In an empty parking lot, I clutched my phone as I waited for my lifeline to answer. When the call connected, I didn't wait for a greeting.

"I need to see you. Now. Do you have time?"

 **A/N: YAY! We've heard from Bella! Wonder if this changes any thoughts you had about her? Some had mixed feelings on how she handled everything. Any thoughts on who she is calling? See ya Wednesday!**

 **WVG**


	165. Chapter 164

**A/N: I had plenty of happy readers when they got to hear from Bella. Now its time to see what Marcus can do to help our boy.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic pen. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"I need to you to focus on my voice, Edward. Can you do that?"

"Y-yes," I stuttered out, my eyes still glued to the door of the bar. My thoughts were filled with the feel and taste of a glass of Jack.

"Good. I want you to turn your back to the bar, Edward."

I whined and wasn't even ashamed of it. Didn't he know how much I just wanted one sip?

"TURN AROUND, EDWARD!" The shouted command broke my eye contact as I winced at the loudness of Marcus' voice.

With strength I never knew I possessed in that second, I managed to turn my back to the bar. "I turned." It was nothing more than a whisper, but my mentor's sigh of relief told me he heard me.

"Good, Edward. You're doing so well. You're gonna get through this. I promise. Is there like a café or coffee shop or book store across from where you're standing?"

Again, I found the desire to look up and down the block, ignoring the craving in my gut to turn around. When I spotted a coffee shop and informed Marcus of it, he instructed me to head toward it. It took a Herculean effort to take that first step. With each step, the craving in me screamed out in protest. Yet, with each step toward the coffee place, it seems like salvation and sanity were close at hand. The fog of craving thinned and it became easier, just minutely, to ignore the craving.

Within minutes of stepping inside, I had a tall cup of black coffee and Marcus in my ear. It was then that I realized he never asked me what brought on my crisis; he just talked to me until I was some place safer. His sure words of support and encouragement were the lifeline I needed to stay on the sober path.

Only when he heard me sipping the scalding liquid did he let out a breath. "You made it, Edward. I've been checking online, and there is a meeting just a few blocks down that's starting in twenty minutes. Do you want me to stay with you as you walk?"

I closed my eyes at his offer; his quiet support was humbling and appreciated. "Yes," I replied. "Thanks, man."

"I know, Edward. We've all been there."

I didn't say much as I walked. I just listened to Marcus as he babbled on about something funny he saw earlier in the day. I had no recollection of what he said, just how I felt- relief and gratitude that he was in my corner.

"I'm here," I told him as I walked inside the neighborhood center.

"Good. Now, I don't know what happened prior to you calling me. You can tell me later. Right now, I need you to go to that meeting and share. Tell them what happened and lean on them for support."

 **A/N: For those of you who were screaming for Edward to get to a meeting... your prayers have been answered. Are we all breathing a sigh of relief? Friday we are back with Bella and we see who she called. Reviews are love!**

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	166. Chapter 165

**A/N: Back to Bella and her mystery helper... most of you guessed it.. so smart!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for making it look pretty. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"Wait, hold on!" Kate shook her head and then looked up to the ceiling of her office. When she looked back down to me, her piercing eyes were fixed on me. "So, you're telling me that Hailey's dad isn't just 'some guy' you knew but someone you were in a serious relationship with? That he didn't want a baby but tried to be on board? That one night he got aggressive in a bar fight and then the next day he was gone to points unknown only to resurface over a year later, and you told him about the baby dying and left him at the gravesite? Did I get it right?"

The incredulous look on her face had me shrinking back into my seat. "That's the gist of it, I guess."

Kate threw her hands up in the air. "I have no idea where to start!" Exasperated, she slumped into her chair, her gaze intensely staring up at the ceiling. Silence fell in the room, and I wasn't racing to fill it. I knew I had left out some huge chunks of the story about Edward and me. In my defense, I didn't think it was a big deal. I started to see Kate after I confided in the leader of the Parents of Angels support group that I felt stuck in my healing process. She suggested I work with a therapist. Kate and I clicked right away.

I worried my lip as I watched Kate mumble to herself. Any other day, it would be funny to me. I knew eventually she would turn her focus back to me, and she would start to ask questions I was nowhere ready to answer. It didn't take much longer before my prediction came true.

Sitting forward, she looked at me and surprised me with her question. "Why did you run away from Edward?"

I opened and closed my mouth several times but nothing came out because my mind was blank. "That's what you want to know?" I didn't understand why that was what she wanted to focus on first.

With a smirk I had come to hate at times, she sat back in her chair, her gaze never leaving mine. "What should I focus on?"

"Oh, I don't know!" Unable to contain my frustration, I began to pace. "Maybe ask if I still love him. Or where in the hell he's been for the last year. How about how it felt to see him at her grave? Or how just when I felt like I was in a good place in my life, BAM, he comes back!" Whipping around to look at Kate. "There are a million other questions you could be asking me other than why did I run." All fight left my body, and I slumped back into my chair.

Kate was still watching me, her smirk firmly in place. It grated on my nerves, like she knew something that I didn't. Already feeling emotionally drained, I was unable to take anything more.

"Why are you staring at me?" Normally I would have regretted snapping, but at that moment, I didn't have it in me to care.

"Because you just laid out the issues we're gonna tackle next."

 **A/N: So we have a new person... Kate. I think you're gonna like her! Just to make it clear.. Kate is who Bella called for an emergency therapy session. A real quick announcement, the week of April 1st I'll be taking off from posting- and no its not a joke. Its spring break for the kids and while they'll be kicking their heels in Florida with grandma (soo not jealous *sarcasm*) I have a list of house stuff to do. Oh joy. Next week we stay with Kate and Bella and check in with Edward and his meeting. Have a great weekend- I have another dance comp- fun fun... Let me know your thoughts!**

 **WVG**


	167. Chapter 166

**A/N: All of you seemed to like Kate, I'm glad. I think you'll like this chapter... a little truth bomb coming your way.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for her sparkly red pen. I tinker so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

BPOV

"What do you mean? I came to talk to you about Hailey, to process her death. Edward has nothing to do with it!" Panic gripped me. I had gotten good at not thinking or dealing with anything that had to do with Edward. So, I wasn't relishing having to take the Band-Aid off.

"If you can't see how intricately he's wrapped up in your grief over Hailey, then we have even bigger issues, Bella." She pinned me with her stare, and I had to look away. How could I make her understand that when everything with Hailey happened, I pushed Edward to the side? There wasn't enough room in my heart and soul for all the sadness and grief I felt. I may still be alive, but it was a monumental struggle to get me to where I was.

Sensing I wasn't going to say anything, Kate moved on. "Tell me about the last time you saw Edward."

It wasn't a question, it was a demand, and I didn't have it in me to fight her. So, I talked about going out to play pool with Alice and Jasper, how it felt good to get out of the apartment.

"My balance was messed up due to my belly, but Edward didn't seem to care." An ache deep in my heart flared, and I found myself rubbing my chest. "It all happened so fast. One minute, Alice and I were being harassed by some drunk dude, then Edward was there, and all hell broke loose. Alice pulled me away from the flying fists and guys being pushed around. I'd never seen Edward so amped up."

"Was he drunk or high?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"He didn't seem drunk. I think Jasper and he went to smoke a joint before the flight started, but I don't know if that was it." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kate nod her head and jot some notes. The reluctance I felt earlier about talking fell away. When he left, no one talked to me about it, unless you counted Jess and Tanya calling Edward a bastard. The urge to tell someone how I felt overwhelmed me; I needed to know I wasn't crazy.

"He was just standing there, blood dripping down his face, his back was to me, and I needed to make sure he was okay. I just touched him, and he whirled around and his hand was on my throat. It wasn't long, but it was long enough to horrify Edward and leave marks. We left separately, and I felt him come to bed a few hours after I had been home, but when I woke, he was gone."

"How did all that make you feel?"

"That we'd finally reached the end of the road, like I always knew we would. He wasn't going to come back, no matter how much I wanted him to."

"Go deeper, Bella. How did you feel?"

The words I had only admitted to myself slipped out. "Angry that he didn't believe in me to understand he didn't mean to hurt me and that he hadn't stayed around long enough to know I had already forgiven him."

 **A/N: Hmmmm... well there is that... The rest of the week is with Edward. Remember that I'll be taking next week off from posting. See ya Wednesday and until then I'd love to know what's on your mind. Reviews are love!**

 **WVG**


	168. Chapter 167

**A/N: Looks like we have a 'We Love Kate' fan club forming! Huge shout out to TC! Binge read and fell in love with the story.. thanks for letting me know.**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for making this shine. I tinker, so any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

I had to look a sight as I stumbled through the door of the center. My hair had to be sticking up from where I tugged on it in the coffee shop. My eyes were wide, frantically scanning my environment as if I expected a bottle of beer to attack me at any moment. So, it shouldn't have surprised me when an older man approached me. His black hair peppered with silver and a face full of wrinkles and scruff. He looked part grandpa and part weathered sailor. There was wisdom in his eyes, as if he knew just how close I had been to falling off the cliff I spent months climbing up.

"Welcome. My name is Eleazar." He held out his hand and I took it in both of mine. My eyes closed in silent relief that I had made it, safe _and_ sober. "Looks like you need some help tonight. Can I ask your name?'

Swallowing the lump that had formed outside the bar, I croaked out, "Edward. When does the meeting start?" There was a large circle of chairs and less than a quarter of them were filled. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get lost in the crowd or have an intimate group to talk to.

"In a few minutes. Why don't we get you a warmer cup of coffee and sit down? Then we can talk." Silently, I nodded and followed him to the refreshment table where a huge pot of coffee was waiting. The warmth seeped from the cup to my hands causing a shiver to race down my back.

As I waited for the meeting to start, the questions that plagued me earlier began their litany once more in my head. The hows', what-ifs, and why's collided in a scrambled mess of guilt and anxiety. I was in danger of drowning, of just falling off my chair to curl up and die. But then Eleazar sat next to me, his knee bumped mine and stayed there. It was a connection to reality I didn't know I needed.

Looking up, I realized the circle had more people, and they were watching Eleazar, who was looking at me. There was an openness in his eyes, a well of compassion that told me he once stood at the abyss and lived to tell the tale.

"We have a new friend, Edward, and from the looks of it, I think he needs our help. Edward, would you like to talk?" I knew I could say no, but Marcus' words rang in my head, and the words started to tumble out.

 **A/N: *claps* We got to meet Eleazar... I LOVE HIM! Anywho... Edward made it to the meeting and is sharing. So proud of him. One more EPOV this week and then a week off. Let me know what's going on in your head! See ya Friday!**

 **WVG**


	169. Chapter 168

**A/N: Kids made it to Orlando safe with their grandma and I have a quiet house. Of course, my body thinks it's a perfect time to be sick... blah. Upside, you all seem to like Eleazar.**

 **Love to Dawn and Carmen for pre-reading and Sally for finding all the commas I miss. I tinker, any mistakes are mine.**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

"Like Eleazar said, I'm Edward. I've been sober for about nine months. I just got out of rehab a few days ago, and earlier today, I learned that my daughter died shortly after she was born. I was out using and being a fuck-up, and my daughter was dying!" There was no use in wiping the tears that fell; they were never ending.

Through the tears and my sobs, I explained how it all went down. There were gasps and murmurs from those listening, but they bounced off me. I couldn't be concerned with their thoughts. In my mind's eye, I was back at Hailey's grave, reality staring me in the face, showing me the greatest consequence to my choices. Not for the first time, I wondered what other hells awaited me.

"I found myself outside a bar. There was such a bone-deep gnawing; I knew it could only be silenced with a drink. I didn't want to face the guilt I was feeling. I wanted oblivion. Only due to a kid running into me did I have one sliver of sanity and called my old rehab mentor. He literally talked my ear off as he directed me to this meeting."

I slumped back into my chair. I was devoid of any emotion or thought- it was laying in a puddle in the circle of chairs.

"Thank you for sharing something so personal, Edward. I'd like to do a show of hands. How many here have been where Edward was today, staring down your addiction of choice?" It surprised me how every single person raised their hand. There was a comfort in knowing I wasn't alone.

"How many gave into the temptation?" About half the hands fell. "Each day is a battle, some days are easier, some days find you standing outside a bar itching for a drink or staring at that pill. Don't dwell on the fact that you were outside the bar, celebrate that you didn't drink, Edward. You used your skills; you used your supports, and it payed off. Even if you _had_ walked in, there would be no shame or blame. Sobriety doesn't have an end point. It's a day-to-day struggle. If we fall, we get back up."

The rest of the meeting I spent lost in my own thoughts. Each thought lead to a question that I had no answer for. My heart was hurting. I was a mess of anger, sadness, guilt, and betrayal. That last emotion hit me out of nowhere but came on the heels of wondering why no one told me sooner. Esme and Carlisle had to know about the baby. It killed me to think they kept this from me. I was mulling over the why's of it all when Eleazar called the meeting to a close. It was only when he touched my shoulder that I realized we were one of the last few left in the room.

"Come on, Edward, let's talk."

 **A/N: So Edward had a few breakthroughs and is now wondering why he wasn't told. I promise the answer to that will come soon. I'll be off next week to get better and work on stuff during this spring break. Reviews will help me feel better! See ya April 8th!**

 **WVG**


	170. Chapter 169

**A/N: I'm back! Miss me? I missed you all! My kids are back all tanned and happy from a week in FL and now they are forecasting we will get a FOOT or MORE of SNOW! FML!**

 **Love to Carmen and Dawn for pre-reading and Sally for waving her magic beta wand. I tinker so any mistakes are mine!**

 **ENJOY!**

EPOV

In silence we stacked chairs and threw away garbage. Eleazar was busy rinsing out the coffee pot as I folded up the last few tables. I waited for him, feeling more awkward by the moment, wondering how I could face my aunt and uncle. It wasn't something I was looking forward to.

"Do you like pie, Edward?" The question surprised me, not only because it is was so out of the blue, but I never heard Eleazar come up to me.

"Um, yeah, I like pie, I guess."

He smiled widely. "Good. I know a diner that's open all night that has the best pie. Let's go."

Stunned for a second, it took me a while to realize he was walking and not looking back to see if I was following. Figuring he had something up his sleeve and needing any excuse not to be home, I ran to catch up to him. The walk was quiet; not only were the streets pretty much deserted but we didn't talk much. The only thing he said was to ask me if I had my meeting log sheet. I mumbled that I did, and silence fell between us once more. It stayed that way until we were seated and our orders were placed.

"How are you doing, Edward?" He pinned me with his gaze. Instinctively, I knew he would see through any bullshit answer- he wanted the truth.

"Confused, angry, sad, and I still want that drink." I hung my head in shame. I had thought I had beat the cravings, but one stressor and they were back as if I didn't spend months learning how to deal with them.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of. I would be more worried if you said you had no urge to drink."

My head snapped up in disbelief. "I just spent months dealing with my urges. Obviously, I failed."

Eleazar's hearty laugh echoed in the nearly empty diner. I wanted to snap at him, but the waitress came by with our food, so I bit my tongue. Once she left, I glared at Eleazar.

"Care to explain?"

He pointed his fork at me. "Eat and try to take a few destressing breaths, and I'll talk. Deal?"

Instead of answering, I scooped up a bite of the grasshopper pie I ordered and put it in my mouth. He just laughed at me causing me, to roll my eyes at him.

"In rehab, you spend time learning about your triggers and the deep-seated reasons that started you to use. Out in the real world, you need to take what you learned and use it to keep you sober. It's fucking harder than it sounds, and tonight, you got a front row seat to that experience. Like I said in group, you need to focus on what you didn't do, which was drink. That is a win. No matter how close you were to that drink. Hell, you could've walked into that bar, ordered a Jack, and had it _in_ your hands, and if you didn't drink it, I'd call it a win."

He paused, letting me digest his words and to give him time to eat the pie he had barely touched. He raised good points; it was all stuff I'd heard countless times from Jake. I also knew that if Marcus were sitting in front of me, he'd shake his head at me and tell me to stop obsessing over how close I came and concentrate on the fact that I didn't drink. That was the important thing I needed to remember.

As we ate, I confessed to him that I was feeling nervous about going home and having to confront Esme and Carlisle on why they didn't tell me about the baby. The feeling of betrayal was strong, and I didn't know how to handle it all.

"I wonder if they felt the way you feel now when they learned of your addiction?" He gave me a pointed look, and I just froze. I had never thought of it that way. Damn, he was good.

 **A/N: Eleazar raised some good points.. and all over pie! Pie sounds yum!**

 **Anywho- I have a confession: I had hoped that I could've used spring break and a quiet house to write, but sickness kicked my ass, so I got zero writing done. For the longest time, I had a block on this story, but it never bothered me as I had a HUGE stockpile of chapters. But with my love of posting, that pile has dwindled. In order to make sure I can post, I'm going to have to go down to one chapter a week. It sucks.. I know.. good news.. B & E finally talked to me and I got a nice outline going AND today I finally fell well enough to write. I hope you understand. I make a promise to never abandon a story and I wont start now. Once my pile of chapters gets back up, I'll increase my postings. For now, I'll see you next Monday.**

 **Review are love and a teeny tiny teaser is in my FB group!**

 **WVG**


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